Top 280 Eoin Colfer Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “The amorphobots had entered the ambulance through the air lock and morphed into one in the ambulance’s only cell. Actually, the bot holding Mulch Diggums was excluded from the morph, as the other bots could not identify the chemical spectrum of the gas bubbles inside the dwarf’s body, and did not frankly like the look of Mulch anyway, and so, though it tried to meld with the others, the bot was repulsed and wobbled lonely in the corner.”

— Eoin Colfer

202. “Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?”

— Eoin Colfer

203. “Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?”

— Eoin Colfer

204. “Time to do what he did best – plot dastardly acts.”

— Eoin Colfer

205. “Some instruments seemed like they were held together with duct tape and prayers. Everything looked out of date.”

— Eoin Colfer

206. “Mulch was not impressed. ‘I’m not impressed,’ he said.”

— Eoin Colfer

207. “I’m just a teenager with hormones running wild. And may I say, young fairy lady, they’re running wild in your direction.”

— Eoin Colfer

208. “If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.”

— Eoin Colfer

209. “Friendship is not a science, Mud Boy. Forget about your massive brain for one minute. Just do what you feel is right.”

— Eoin Colfer

210. “I’m on my feet, pacing around the room, punching a fist into my palm, which I stop doing when I realise how drama queen it feels.”

— Eoin Colfer

211. “Holly wanted to be sure she understood what was being said. “So you’re saying that Shelly is going to light a fart?” “No, Shelly is going to light the fart. He has stored enough methane to power Haven for a year. There hasn’t been a fart like this since the last dwarf tribal gathering.”

— Eoin Colfer

212. “There is always a use for everything, Victor had told him. Even pain.”

— Eoin Colfer

213. “You display inordinate pride for someone who has completed a task which could have been performed by a lesser primate in a shorter time.”

— Eoin Colfer

214. “Yes, Chix, it’s between us. Everyone has a right to be temporarily unstable. – Foaly.”

— Eoin Colfer

215. “Her glare was so intense that you completely forgot she was wearing pink.”

— Eoin Colfer

216. “I am surprised. ‘A disk? A bloody disk. What do I look like to you? Jason goddamn Bourne?”

— Eoin Colfer

217. “Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you. Commander Julius Root.”

— Eoin Colfer

218. “Now, my little leech, do your nasty work for Aunt Opal, and I will reward you by squeezing your innards into a bucket.” He sighed. “Why are all my best lines wasted on annelids?”

— Eoin Colfer

219. “A sprite came into my office the other day, and he had a bunch of microscopic hoop-worm larvae wriggling around his armpit. What is wrong with people?”

— Eoin Colfer

220. “Now before we get into anything, ladies, no scratching, no spitting and no tattling to mummy.”

— Eoin Colfer

221. “Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn’t the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history.”

— Eoin Colfer

222. “Hilarious, dude. You should, like, have your own show.”

— Eoin Colfer

223. “That was all he said, except for “Aaaeerrgghhh.” Which is not really a word. But the reason that he screamed “Aaaeerrgghhh” was that Franco had bitten him savegly on the wrist.”

— Eoin Colfer

224. “I am perhaps unusual in that I came to ‘Doctor Who’ through the numerous novelisations and not through the television show.”

— Eoin Colfer

225. “The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers’ head.”

— Eoin Colfer

226. “I have a lovely office at the back of my house; it’s an old stable and you can see right out to the countryside on one side and into the house on the other side.”

— Eoin Colfer

227. “Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.”

— Eoin Colfer

228. “Caballine likes me to be masterful. She calls me her stallion.”

— Eoin Colfer

229. “Most craft give a nod, however brief and unfriendly, towards beauty. Vogon ships did not nod towards beauty. They pulled on ski masks and mugged beauty in a dark alley They spat in the eye of beauty and bludgeoned their wait through the notions of aesthetics and aerodynamics. Vogon cruisers did not so much travel through space as defile it and toss it aside.”

— Eoin Colfer

230. “The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.”

— Eoin Colfer

231. “Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder.”

— Eoin Colfer

232. “He had seen bigger men than he with mummy’s handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.”

— Eoin Colfer

233. “Excuse me, Tex,” the nurse said, hands on hips. ‘Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn’t want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.”

— Eoin Colfer

234. “The female guard smiled broadly then collapsed. On the ground she began singing a nursery rhyme about doggies and their bones.”

— Eoin Colfer

235. “Of course. Opal is toying with our emotions for her own gratification. Nothing more. She wishes to place herself in a position of power, emotionally.”

— Eoin Colfer

236. “Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.”

— Eoin Colfer

237. “Mona was half ninja, half gunslinger, popping off charge after charge into the blue creatures.”

— Eoin Colfer

238. “I’m the nut!”

— Eoin Colfer

239. “Certain battles were won by retreating.”

— Eoin Colfer

240. “Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.”

— Eoin Colfer

241. “Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell? N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off. “Aaarrk,” Artemis half choked.”

— Eoin Colfer

242. “But then what were physical feelings if not more electrical messages from the brain? Why believe in them either? Was there anything trustworthy in the Universe that one could hug and hold on to in the midst of a butterfly storm, other than a Hawaliusian wind staunch?”

— Eoin Colfer

243. “But even though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.”

— Eoin Colfer

244. “Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife’s stares were daggers, he’d be dead already.”

— Eoin Colfer

245. “The thought of revenge always gave her a warm fuzzy feeling.”

— Eoin Colfer

246. “But as time went by, fewer camera crews turned up at the gates each morning. After all, how many hours of drooling can an audience be expected to sit through? Gradually the LEP crews were downsized from a dozen to six and finally to a single officer per shift. Where could Opal Koboi go? the.”

— Eoin Colfer

247. “Sounded like girls. Mixed feelings on that score. He didn’t despise them with the same passion he used to. In fact, Benny suspected that there would come a time in the not-too-distant future when he might develop a mysterious interest in them.”

— Eoin Colfer

248. “Young love is common, but that doesn’t mean it’s not precious.”

— Eoin Colfer

249. “Artemis was wearing a pair of red Armani boxer shorts, which were pretty much the same color as his face.”

— Eoin Colfer

250. “Orion sniffed. “Good. Then, Worthy Centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your back. Then I can make a few pennies with my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby.” This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away. “This isn’t Middle Earth, you know. We’re not in a novel. I am not noble, neither do I have a repertoire of circus tricks.” Orion seemed disappointed. “Can you juggle at least?”

— Eoin Colfer