Top 90 Jeremy Clarkson Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying “Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.””

— Jeremy Clarkson

52. “Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

53. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

54. “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: ‘Can we borrow yours?’ and he said, ‘Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.’”

— Jeremy Clarkson

55. “They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

56. “I’m having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

57. “Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?”

— Jeremy Clarkson

58. “If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian’s Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: ‘Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.’”

— Jeremy Clarkson

59. “I’m not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I’m not physically capable.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

60. “This is what should be meant by people power. The power for people to choose which of the government’s petty, silly, pointless laws they want to obey. And which they don’t.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

61. “My epiglottis is full of bees!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

62. “If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

63. “I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

64. “Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

65. “Why is the forecast so bland? Why instead of ‘stormy’ don’t they just say the sea’s ‘a frothing maelstrom of terror and hopelessness’?”

— Jeremy Clarkson

66. “I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

67. “Like many men, I can never find anything that I’m looking for, even when I’m actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

68. “Boredom forces you to ring people you haven’t seen for eighteen years and halfway through the conversation you remember why you left it so long. Boredom means you start to read not only mail-order catalogues but also the advertising inserts that fall on the floor. Boredom gives you half a mind to get a gun and go berserk in the local shopping centre, and you know where this is going. Eventually, boredom means you will take up golf.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

69. “I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it here again, now. Nothing brilliant has ever resulted from a meeting.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

70. “I came up with the best pastime in the history of man. What you do is find an aerosol tin of spray adhesive, such as you would use to stick posters to a wall. You then lie in wait and when a wasp flies by, you leap out and give it a squirt. Bingo. One minute it’s flying; the next it’s tumbling silently out of the sky with a confused look on its stupid little face.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

71. “If you’re thinking of coming to America, this is what it’s like: you’ve got your Comfort Inn, you’ve got your Best Western, and you’ve got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody’s very fat, everybody’s very stupid and everybody’s very rude – it’s not a holiday programme, it’s the truth.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

72. “Let’s be perfectly clear, shall we. The fox is not a little orange puppy dog with doe eyes and a waggly tail. It’s a disease-ridden wolf with the morals of a psychopath and the teeth of a great white shark.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

73. “Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

74. “Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

75. “Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show so we’ll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

76. “This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

77. “I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

78. “I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

79. “Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

80. “If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?”

— Jeremy Clarkson

81. “It was as relaxing as being tickled.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

82. “Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that’s hard to explain.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

83. “Even NASA’s most respected engineers have admitted to me, in private, that designing and building a supersonic airliner was a greater technological challenge than putting a man on the moon.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

84. “You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

85. “I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it?”

— Jeremy Clarkson

86. “You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It’s pointless.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

87. “Maybe it’s an attention-span thing. Music is now the backdrop to our lives rather than an event in itself. We put on a CD while we’re doing something else. I can’t remember the last time I put on an album and listened to it in a chair with my eyes closed.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

88. “I am aware, of course, that many men do hate the sight of their wife and children. Doctors even have a name for these people: ‘anglers’.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

89. “When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It’s not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I’ve never changed it. It’s a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

90. “The next day I called my neighbouring farmers to say I was going to have a coronary, and they all had the same piece of advice. I had to accept whatever happens, because that’s farming. They also said I had to be patient, which is not possible. I can’t be patient. It’s not in my DNA. It’s a bit like telling Nicholas Witchell he has to be a Moroccan cage fighter.”

— Jeremy Clarkson