Top 90 Jeremy Clarkson Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Quotes About Cars

2. “Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Ego Quotes, Genius Quotes

3. “Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Mistake Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

4. “You’re a car, but most of all, what you are, what you’ve become, is a mate. And that’s what makes a car special. That’s what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Featured in: Quotes About Cars

5. “Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

6. “Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

7. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

8. “I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

9. “The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

10. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

— Jeremy Clarkson

11. “Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don’t, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

12. “This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Featured in: Fun Quotes

13. “The “public” seems to have bought into this belief that life can, and should, be run without risk, that all accidents are avoidable, and that death is something that only happens to people who eat meat and smoke.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

14. “Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you’re going.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

15. “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

16. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

17. “This is a hard job. Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That’s a lot of effort in a day.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

18. “Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Featured in: Fun Quotes

19. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

20. “If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that’s a cool way to die!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

21. “All this health and safety talk is just killing me.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

22. “The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

23. “There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

24. “Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?”

— Jeremy Clarkson

25. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

26. “There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

27. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

28. “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

29. “I’m not only in touch with my feminine side, I’m in touch with my gay side as well.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

30. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

31. “We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

32. “Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

33. “Column writing is like gas – it fills the available space.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

34. “Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

35. “I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn’t work very well. I don’t understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight...”

— Jeremy Clarkson

36. “You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

37. “Italy’s youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that’s because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

38. “Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

39. “I’m a horse of a man!”

— Jeremy Clarkson

40. “Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

41. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

42. “Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

43. “We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

44. “Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

45. “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

46. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

47. “I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal’s duty to be on my plate at supper time.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

48. “I don’t think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I’m not.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

49. “Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

50. “Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can’t have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun – except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.”

— Jeremy Clarkson