Top 500 Lemony Snicket Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “How can someone so wonderful do something so terrible?”

— Lemony Snicket

102. “You would run much slower if you were dragging something behind you, like a knapsack or a sheriff.”

— Lemony Snicket

103. “It is often difficult to admit that someone you love is not perfect, or to consider aspects of a person that are less than admirable.”

— Lemony Snicket

104. “They’re book addicts.”

— Lemony Snicket

105. “I know that having a good vocabulary doesn’t guarantee that I’m a good person, but it does mean I’ve read a great deal. And in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil.”

— Lemony Snicket

106. “A passport, as I’m sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly.”

— Lemony Snicket

107. “Reading poetry, even if you are only reading it to find a secret message hidden within its words, can often give one a feeling of power the way you can feel powerful if you are the only one who brought an umbrella on a rainy day, of the only one who knows how to untie knots when you’re taken hostage.”

— Lemony Snicket

108. “It is hard for decent people to stay angry at someone who has burst into tears, which is why it is often a good idea to burst into tears if a decent person is yelling at you.”

— Lemony Snicket

109. “Dead women tell no tales. Sad men write them down.”

— Lemony Snicket

110. “Anyone who thinks the pen is mightier than the sword has not been stabbed with both.”

— Lemony Snicket

111. “People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter – it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.”

— Lemony Snicket

112. “We’re not out of the woods yet.”

— Lemony Snicket

113. “The trouble with being patient is that eventually you get tired of it.”

— Lemony Snicket

114. “Nobody wants to fall into a safety net, because it means the structure in which they’ve been living is in a state of collapse and they have no choice but to tumble downwards. However, it beats the alternative.”

— Lemony Snicket

115. “I recommend learning how to write a very good thank-you note. A child who can write a nice thank-you note can turn into a cocaine dealer five years later and be remembered as child who wrote nice thank-you notes.”

— Lemony Snicket

116. “There is nothing wrong with crying at the end of a long day.”

— Lemony Snicket

117. “Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.”

— Lemony Snicket

118. “There’s an easy method for finding someone when you hear them scream. First get a clean sheet of paper and a sharp pencil. Then sketch out nine rows of fourteen squares each. Then throw the piece of paper away and find whoever is screaming so you can help them. It is no time to fiddle with paper.”

— Lemony Snicket

119. “The burning of a book is a sad, sad sight, for even though a book is nothing but ink and paper, it feels as if the ideas contained in the book are disappearing as the pages turn to ashes and the cover and binding blacken and curl as the flames do their wicked work.”

— Lemony Snicket

120. “It was a sickness in my stomach and in my mouth and even in my heart. The symptoms were nervousness and dread. I don’t know what the illness is called. I’ve had it since I was a child.”

— Lemony Snicket

121. “Depressed” is a word that often describes somebody who is feeling sad and gloomy, but in this case it describes a secret button, hidden in a crow statue, that is feeling just fine, thank you.”

— Lemony Snicket

122. “If you don’t care about something, one way to demonstrate your feelings is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the first letters. Somebody who didn’t care about dentists, for instance could say ‘Dentist, schmentists.”

— Lemony Snicket

123. “Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure.”

— Lemony Snicket

124. “Tragedies are stories that usually begin fairly happily and then steadily go downhill, until all of the characters are dead, wounded, or otherwise inconvenienced.”

— Lemony Snicket

125. “Like an envelope, a hollow figurine, and a coffin, a refrigerator can hold all sorts of things, and they may turn out to be very important depending on what kind of day you are having.”

— Lemony Snicket

126. “Whether you have been sent to see the principle of your school for throwing wet paper towels at the ceiling to see if they stick or taken to the dentist to plead with him to hollow out one of your teeth so you can smuggle a single page of your latest book past the guards at the airport, it is never a pleasant feeling to stand outside the door of an office...”

— Lemony Snicket

127. “How does anyone know anything about anything? I read it, of course!”

— Lemony Snicket

128. “But the sad truth is that the truth is sad, and that what you want does not matter. A series of unfortunate events can happen to anyone, no matter what they want.”

— Lemony Snicket

129. “If everyone fought fire with fire, the whole world would go up in smoke.”

— Lemony Snicket

130. “The last safe place is safe no more.”

— Lemony Snicket

131. “All cannot be lost when there is still so much being found.”

— Lemony Snicket

132. “That, Beatrice, is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.”

— Lemony Snicket

133. “You’re just jealous of me because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!”

— Lemony Snicket

134. “Tea should be bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a two-edged sword.”

— Lemony Snicket

135. “The smell of cooking food is often a calming one.”

— Lemony Snicket

136. “It takes years for the land to recuperate from a fire, but even in the darkest of ashes eventually something can grow.”

— Lemony Snicket

137. “Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.”

— Lemony Snicket

138. “I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.”

— Lemony Snicket

139. “Tears are curious things, for like earthquakes or puppet shows, they can occur at any time, without any warning and without any good reason.”

— Lemony Snicket

140. “There are many expressions to describe someone who is going about something in the wrong way. “Making a mistake” is one way to describe this situation. “Screwing up” is another, although it is a bit rude, and “Attempting to rescue Lemony Snicket by writing letters to a congressman, instead of digging an escape tunnel” is a third way, although it is a bit too specific.”

— Lemony Snicket

141. “I had a list of ways I would prefer to die. Drowning was toward the bottom of the list. My top choice was “never.”

— Lemony Snicket

142. “Instead of the word ‘love’ there was an enormous heart, a symbol sometimes used by people who have trouble figuring out the difference between words and shapes.”

— Lemony Snicket

143. “It is a curious thing, but as one travels the world getting older and older, it appears that happiness is easier to get used to than despair... It is almost as if happiness is an acquire taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.”

— Lemony Snicket

144. “There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense.”

— Lemony Snicket

145. “Members of your family might say they are working hard all day long, while you are off at school or clarinet lessons, but the only way to know this for sure is to follow them at a discreet distance.”

— Lemony Snicket

146. “It is often said that if you have a room with a view, you will feel peaceful and relaxed, but if the room is a caravan hurtling down a steep and twisted road, and the view is an eerie mountain range racing backward away from you, while chilly mountain winds sting your face and toss dust into your eyes, then you will not feel one bit of peace and relaxation.”

— Lemony Snicket

147. “It is always better to ask a question than to answer one.”

— Lemony Snicket

148. “A very long time ago, my brother and I played a game each morning while we waited for the school bus to arrive. We called the game Beethoven, and my sister refused to play because she thought it was inane. “Inane” is a word which here means that my brother and I would pretend we couldn’t hear each other very well while we were talking.”

— Lemony Snicket

149. “The moral of “The Three Bears,” for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.” The moral of “Snow White” is “Never eat apples.” The moral of World War One is “Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.”

— Lemony Snicket

150. “Never trust anyone without a book.”

— Lemony Snicket