Top 500 Lemony Snicket Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “It was Stephano, or, if you prefer, it was Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

— Lemony Snicket

302. “I had seen buildings burn before, as part of my training and as part of my childhood. I had seen small homes and enormous mansions devoured by fire, and I had seen flames destroy factories and symphony halls and houses of worship. A school seems worse, I thought as the fire roared into the sky. Even when the school is empty, it’s a terrible thing.”

— Lemony Snicket

303. “It is true, of course, that you never know. A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.”

— Lemony Snicket

304. “You and I, of course, would never do this to any of our grieving acquaintances, but it is a sad truth in life that when someone has lost a loved one, friends sometimes avoid the person, just when the presence of friends is most needed. – P. 34.”

— Lemony Snicket

305. “It may be difficult to believe, but, at any given moment, someone somewhere is in a dangerous situation and other people in some other place are dancing and having a good time. The world is often like this. A celebration here; terrible trouble just outside the door.”

— Lemony Snicket

306. “Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday.”

— Lemony Snicket

307. “But finally, into the world came a baby girl, just as, I’m very, very sorry to say, her mother, and my sister, slipped away from the world after a long night of suffering – but also a night of joy, as the birth of a baby is always good news, no matter how much bad news the baby will hear later.”

— Lemony Snicket

308. “If you ask one question, it will lead you to another, and another. It’s like peeling an onion.”

— Lemony Snicket

309. “But some secrets are so strange and so dangerous that showing them to people makes the strangeness and the danger pour into their lives like a dark, dark ink.”

— Lemony Snicket

310. “The trick is to succumb to enough pressure that you do not drive your peers away, but not so much that you end up in a situation in which you are dead or otherwise uncomfortable. This is a difficult trick, and most people never master it, and end up dead or uncomfortable at least once during their lives.”

— Lemony Snicket

311. “Busman’s holiday” is an expression which refers to when people do the same thing on vacation that they do in their everyday lives, such as plumbers who visit the Museum of Sinks, or villains who disguise themselves even on their days off.”

— Lemony Snicket

312. “I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.”

— Lemony Snicket

313. “Ellington Feint was a line in my mind running right down the middle of my life, separating the formal training of my childhood and the territory of the rest of my days. She was an axis, and at that moment and for many moments afterward, my entire world revolved around her.”

— Lemony Snicket

314. “We’re an invincible army, but not a victorious one.”

— Lemony Snicket

315. “But happy moments came rarely and unexpectedly in the Baudelaires’ lives, and the three siblings had learned to accept them.”

— Lemony Snicket

316. “And a refrigerator may hold a basket of strawberries, which would be important if a maniac said to you, “If you don’t give me a basket of strawberries right now, I’m going to poke you with this large stick.”

— Lemony Snicket

317. “I think everyone’s parents have secrets. You just have to know where to look for them.”

— Lemony Snicket

318. “The expression “following suit” is a curious one, because it has nothing to do with walking behind a matching set of clothing.”

— Lemony Snicket

319. “And still other people think that destiny is an invisible force, like gravity, or a fear of paper cuts, that guides everyone throughout their lives, whether they are embarking on a mysterious errand, doing a treacherous deed, or deciding that a book they have begun reading is too dreadful to finish.”

— Lemony Snicket

320. “Dessert is the most important meal of the day!”

— Lemony Snicket

321. “What a schmuck!”

— Lemony Snicket

322. “Count Olaf were watching them even when he wasn’t nearby.”

— Lemony Snicket

323. “Mr. Poe opened his mouth to say something, but erupted into a brief fit of coughing. “I have made arrangements,” he said finally, “for you to be raised by a distant relative of yours who lives on the other side of town. His name is Count Olaf.”

— Lemony Snicket

324. “As I’m sure you know, to be in one’s own room, in one’s own bed, can often make a bleak situation a little better.”

— Lemony Snicket

325. “I will love you as an oven loves malfunctioning in the middle of roasting a turkey.”

— Lemony Snicket

326. “I wondered if villainy was like Armstrong Feint, someone once kind and gentle who lowered himself into treachery, or more like a mysterious beast, hidden in the depths and summoned to wickedness. But all these questions seemed wrong. They weren’t my job. Like Hector and Widdershins, like Josephine and Monty and the rest of my associates, my job was not to ask questions about villainy, but to try and repair its damage.”

— Lemony Snicket

327. “Sometimes when someone tells a ridiculous lie, it is best to ignore it entirely.”

— Lemony Snicket

328. “Most schools have a loud system of loud bells, which startle the students and teachers at regular intervals and remind them that time is passing even more slowly than it seems.”

— Lemony Snicket

329. “We both wanted to know each other’s secrets, and we both wanted the other person to go first.”

— Lemony Snicket

330. “Don’t talk, Snicket,” Theodora said. “Fools talk while wise people listen, so listen up and I’ll tell you how we will solve this case sensibly and properly.”

— Lemony Snicket

331. “The rest of the place was ransacked, a word for something that is fun to do to someone else’s room, but no fun to have done to yours.”

— Lemony Snicket

332. “It is, as you know, very, very rude and usually unnecessary to use profanity.”

— Lemony Snicket

333. “But your imaginings would be ersatz, as all imaginings are.”

— Lemony Snicket

334. “The holiday season is a time for storytelling, and whether you are hearing the story of a candelabra staying lit for more than a week, or a baby born in a barn without proper medical supervision, these stories often feature miracles. Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you’d see, and this holiday story features any number of miracles, depending on your point of view.”

— Lemony Snicket

335. “The phrase ‘for naught’ is simply a fancy way of saying ‘for nothing,’ and it doesn’t matter which phrase you use, for they are both equally difficult to admit.”

— Lemony Snicket

336. “The word “haunted”, I’m sure you know, usually applies to a house, graveyard, or supermarket that has ghosts living in it, but the word can also be used to describe people who have seen and heard such horrible things that they feel as if ghosts are inside them, haunting their brains and hearts with misery and despair.”

— Lemony Snicket

337. “I have a long list of things I’d rather not do.”

— Lemony Snicket

338. “Ike always loved the sunshine, and I like to imagine that wherever he is now, it’s as sunny as can be. Of course, nobody knows what happens to you after you die, but it’s nice to think of my husband someplace very, very hot, don’t you think?”

— Lemony Snicket

339. “He was such a sneaky and revolting person that the eldest Baudelaire simply could not accept that his scheme was only as evil as the average gym class.”

— Lemony Snicket

340. “I refuse to argue with you, Charles! You’re my partner! Your job is to iron my shirts and cook my omelettes, not boss me around!”

— Lemony Snicket

341. “Imagining the worst doesn’t keep it from happening.”

— Lemony Snicket

342. “With any word, there are subconscious associations, which simply means that certain words make you think of certain things, even if you don’t want to.”

— Lemony Snicket

343. “I like a story that could never happen to me. If I want real life I’ll read a newspaper.”

— Lemony Snicket

344. “Most field trips contain sinister plots.”

— Lemony Snicket

345. “She was stronger than Stew Mitchum, or maybe she just wanted something more than he did.”

— Lemony Snicket

346. “A rug feels like a lion, but that doesn’t mean you can ride it.”

— Lemony Snicket

347. “Troublesome things tend to remain troublesome no matter how many times you do them, and that you should avoid doing them unless they are absolutely urgent.”

— Lemony Snicket

348. “Everything. A letter may be coded, and a word may be coded. A theatrical performance may be coded, and a sonnet may be coded, and there are times when it seems the entire world is in code. Some believe that the world can be decoded by performing research in a library. Others believe that the world can be decoded by reading a newspaper. In my case, the only thing that made sense of the world was you, and without you the world will seem as garbled and tragic as a malfunctioning typewrit9.”

— Lemony Snicket

349. “Some of the bravest and most resourceful people in the world have come to bad ends.”

— Lemony Snicket

350. “Klaus had known for all twelve of his years that his older sister found a hand on her shoulder comforting – as long as the hand was attached to an arm, of course.”

— Lemony Snicket