Top 160 Nick Offerman Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment.”

— Nick Offerman

Featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

2. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man, fishing’s not that hard.”

— Nick Offerman

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

3. “Always maintain the attitude of a student. If you think you’ve done learning, bitterness sets in, but if you have more to achieve every day, in any arena, that makes each morning’s awakening full of potential and cheery portent.”

— Nick Offerman

4. “Technically, we’re all half centaur.”

— Nick Offerman

5. “Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.”

— Nick Offerman

6. “If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.”

— Nick Offerman

7. “And what we’ve lost sight of is that performing manual labor with your hands is one of the most incredibly satisfying and positive things you can do.”

— Nick Offerman

8. “Just stand up for your principals and be loyal to your friends and family.”

— Nick Offerman

9. “If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza.”

— Nick Offerman

10. “Love one another, make something with your hands, and exalt the farmer.”

— Nick Offerman

11. “Shut your damn mouth.”

— Nick Offerman

12. “I have a ridiculously beautiful wife who’s super sexy, and as long as she’s happy with me, I don’t need to look in the mirror and think, “How do I stack up next to Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper rock this shirt?” Doesn’t matter. He does not have your wife. You do.”

— Nick Offerman

13. “How lucky my life is that I have two arms, and two legs, and ten fingers with which to make things out of wood.”

— Nick Offerman

14. “If you don’t look at yourself and evaluate it, you instead see how the world’s reacting to it.”

— Nick Offerman

15. “Follow your gut, make a choice, and throw yourself into it. If you make a mistake, then you have merely afforded yourself a valuable lesson.”

— Nick Offerman

16. “I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.”

— Nick Offerman

17. “If you always have something in your life that you’re trying to improve upon, then every day you have a reason to get out of bed, and you have a reason to achieve something and feel good.”

— Nick Offerman

18. “I would like Americans to make things with their hands. Thomas Jefferson and I feel that makes for a much stronger nation.”

— Nick Offerman

19. “It’s taken me a lot of years to peel away my own layers.”

— Nick Offerman

20. “Actually, I’m not super-kickass at a lot of things.”

— Nick Offerman

21. “The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters.”

— Nick Offerman

22. “I don’t put a great deal of stock in art trophies.”

— Nick Offerman

23. “Let’s just say I can never be cast again after Ron Swanson. Then I have a life of theater and woodworking and my wife to look forward to, and that doesn’t make me anything but very happy.”

— Nick Offerman

24. “Of course smartphones are brilliant inventions, but the nefarious thing about Twitter and other social media is that it starts to fill all the gaps in your day. I quickly become an addict.”

— Nick Offerman

25. “Children are so egocentric – they want to watch their lives, and not yours.”

— Nick Offerman

26. “I think that laziness in many ways is the human condition, and that’s what has led us to this place where, as we’ve developed technology.”

— Nick Offerman

27. “If I put down my tweeter machine for a minute, I actually can communicate with people. As an aside, astonishingly, I just started doing Twitter.”

— Nick Offerman

28. “Jack London is a very generous description of my small hiking, bicycling, and canoeing habit. I myself feel like a weak urbanite a lot of the time, because lots of my friends are incredible outdoorsmen and women.”

— Nick Offerman

Featured in: Hiking Quotes

29. “If you want to be happy in life, consider yourself a student. Every day of your life, think: how can I improve?”

— Nick Offerman

30. “We have such an embarrassment of riches when it comes to choice. Do you want to hike in the Alps? There are 300 pairs of shoes you can order within the next 10 minutes. You have your choice of everything.”

— Nick Offerman

31. “My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois – I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus.”

— Nick Offerman

32. “If properly dried and trimmed, New York-style pizza could be used to make a box for Chicago-style pizza. I love a slice when I’m in NYC, but it’s like eating a Slim Jim compared with a filet mignon. One slice of Gino’s East stuffed sausage pizza is a bigger meal than an entire New York pie.”

— Nick Offerman

33. “I am a saxophone player.”

— Nick Offerman

34. “Don’t use barbiturates before going on stage. And be honest.”

— Nick Offerman

35. “John Fugelsang put it quite succinctly when he said, “The only way you can follow both Trump and Jesus is if you’ve never read either of their books.”

— Nick Offerman

36. “Personal experience is the surest method by which one can determine the truth of a supposition, no matter how reputable the reporter, since so many experiences are subject to individual proclivities.”

— Nick Offerman

37. “My wife, the actress Megan Mullally, was an English major at Northwestern University and loves fiction. Like so many things in my life, she curates things for me. For example, I have the daunting prospect of Donna Tartt’s “The Goldfinch” waiting for me when I get through my current reading pile.”

— Nick Offerman

38. “I’m very hairy, and men in film and TV are no longer allowed to be hairy.”

— Nick Offerman

39. “I worked a lot in Chicago’s theater scene as a fight choreographer. And so I do have a lot of experience in stage combat and also in Kabuki dance and Kabuki theater.”

— Nick Offerman

40. “Men and women alike, if you think that altering the tip of your nose with surgery will make you happier, I would suggest you alter something much more malleable than your flesh, like your priorities, or your friends.”

— Nick Offerman

41. “You know, it’s hard to beat bacon at anytime of day. But I also am a big fan of corned beef hash.”

— Nick Offerman

42. “For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I’m always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees.”

— Nick Offerman

43. “If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus on their first day.”

— Nick Offerman

44. “I grew up in a small town in Illinois, and my dad was a basketball coach. Thanks to him, I have excellent fundamentals in both basketball and baseball.”

— Nick Offerman

45. “If I had more time, I’d watch more woodworking or home-improvement shows, but, not enough hours in the day.”

— Nick Offerman

46. “Damn it all, you have been given a life on this beautiful planet! Get off your ass and do something!”

— Nick Offerman

47. “I come from a family of fishermen. Fishing is very important to us. We don’t hunt. We’re not gun folk.”

— Nick Offerman

48. “When I use weed creatively, I’m much better at drawing or making something or playing music. But what I do for a living is mostly performing as an actor or writing, and for those things I need to have my faculties sharp.”

— Nick Offerman

49. “I think the whole thing is kind of sad, honestly, in the same way that our civilization – particularly the consumers of pop culture – has grown so used to an emasculated, bare-chested leading man that something like simply growing a mustache can impress people.”

— Nick Offerman

50. “I was drinking a lot of bourbon. I was miserable. I was starting to get work, but it wasn’t remotely satisfying. It was garbage compared to the theater I was doing.”

— Nick Offerman