Top 450 Ali Hazelwood Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “Easy peasy, photons squeezy.”

— Ali Hazelwood

52. “You’re pathologically independent and don’t let others come close out of fear that they’ll eventually leave you.”

— Ali Hazelwood

53. “Everyone, Ol. He’s a tall, broody, sullen hunk with a genius IQ. Everyone likes tall, broody, sullen hunks with genius IQs.”

— Ali Hazelwood

54. “The more I need my brain to be on top of its game, the higher the probability that it will freeze on me.”

— Ali Hazelwood

55. “I’m terrified of everything, as you can see. So, instead of telling you that truth, I will tell you another truth. A truth that, I think, will be best for you. A truth that will take me out of the equation, but will make its result better. Because I’m starting to wonder if this is what being in love is. Being okay with ripping yourself to shreds, so the other person can stay whole.”

— Ali Hazelwood

56. “Porque empiezo a preguntarme si estar enamorada es esto: que no te importe hacerte pedazos para que la otra persona pueda permanecer entera.”

— Ali Hazelwood

57. “I don’t feel any sexual attraction unless I actually get to trust and like a person, which for some reason never happens. Or, almost never.”

— Ali Hazelwood

58. “Why not treat yourself to a good time instead of waiting for somebody else to do it?”

— Ali Hazelwood

59. “She’s everything I ever wanted and I want to inject her into my veins and also to never see her again.”

— Ali Hazelwood

60. “Every once in a while, we need a bit of “because”, and if it’s not readily available, we make it up.”

— Ali Hazelwood

61. “Example: “Based on the available information and the data hitherto collected, my hypothesis is that the farther away I stay from love, the better off I will be.”

— Ali Hazelwood

62. “If academia ever makes you feel like you’re not good enough or smart enough... it’s not you, it’s academia.”

— Ali Hazelwood

63. “She was going to lose her visa and her only source of income and move back to Canada, where it snowed all the time and people ate moose heart and –.”

— Ali Hazelwood

64. “The constant feeling of not belonging, the never-ending suspicions that since so much of her life had been spent alone, then it would end the same way. That she’d never be worthy of someone caring for her.”

— Ali Hazelwood

65. “I’m 99,9 percent sure that I am right –and 43 percent sure that I am wrong.”

— Ali Hazelwood

66. “I only knew you for twenty-four hours, but I’ve never missed anyone so much.”

— Ali Hazelwood

67. “She didn’t want weekends, or a decent salary. She wanted to go back in time. She wanted to be less lonely.”

— Ali Hazelwood

68. “Is there anything I can do for you? I’ll take you grocery shopping and fill your fridge when we’re back home. Buy you a new bike and a case of decent reagent and that sludge you drink. Kill the people who made you cry. Is there something you need? Name it. It’s yours. If I have it, it’s yours.”

— Ali Hazelwood

69. “There were two beds in the hotel room.”

— Ali Hazelwood

70. “I can give you nice. I can give you better than nice. I can give you everything.” He smiles at me, full of hope. “You don’t even have to admit to yourself that you love me, Bee. God knows I love you enough for the both of us.”

— Ali Hazelwood

71. “I, too, could contain two – no, a whole multitude of Elsies. Each one would be crafted, custom tailored, carefully curated with a different person in mind. I’d give everyone the me they wanted, needed, craved, and in exchange they’d care about me.”

— Ali Hazelwood

72. “Here’s the honesty: I’m in love with you. But that’s not news. Not to me, and not to you, I don’t think.”

— Ali Hazelwood

73. “Rain is my favorite kind of weather.”

— Ali Hazelwood

74. “I know it’s scary, being vulnerable, but you can allow yourself to care. You can want to be with people as more than just friends or casual acquaintances.”

— Ali Hazelwood

75. “He doesn’t really acknowledge my existence. Well, except to occasionally stare like I’m some roach infesting his pristine living space.”

— Ali Hazelwood

76. “I grin. “I’m so happy for you.” She sobers up. “Don’t be. Life is pain and then you die.” “Ah, yes. I forgot.”

— Ali Hazelwood

77. “But a good kiss will do that: make a girl forget herself for a while.”

— Ali Hazelwood

78. “If that dinner was “not bad,” then I’m a K-pop idol.”

— Ali Hazelwood

79. “Las fechas de caducidad son para los cobardes.”

— Ali Hazelwood

80. “He gave her a brief nod, and then – Olive, or at least Olive’s body, was stepping toward Adam and gingerly sitting on his thigh, her knees tucked between his spread legs. It was happening. It had happened already. Olive was here. Sitting. On. Adam. This. Yep, this. This was her life now.”

— Ali Hazelwood

81. “Why does Tim look terrified?” He gives me an innocent look. “He does?” “Levi. What did you say to him?”

— Ali Hazelwood

82. “Adam Carlsen was handsome. Adam Carlsen, with his long nose and wavy hair, with his full lips and angular face that shouldn’t have fit together but somehow did, was really, really, really handsome.”

— Ali Hazelwood

83. “Adam smiles, too, and thinks, This is it. He thinks, I love you. He thinks, Maybe, one day, you’ll even let me tell you.”

— Ali Hazelwood

84. “Academia has its own special way of tearing apart work-life balance, wearing people down, and making them forget that they are worth more than the number of papers they publish or the grant money they are able to rake in.”

— Ali Hazelwood

85. “You are a smart-ass.”

— Ali Hazelwood

86. “Elsie, it’s the bare minimum. The bar’s so low, you could pick it up and beat him with it.”

— Ali Hazelwood

87. “I have no idea if you’re good enough, but that’s not what you should be asking yourself. What matters is whether your reason to be in academia is good enough.”

— Ali Hazelwood

88. “In Olive’s defense, the man didn’t seem to mind the kiss too much.”

— Ali Hazelwood

89. “It hit her then what was so special about Adam. That no matter his reputation, or how rocky their first meeting, since the very beginning, Olive had felt that he was on her side. Over and over, and in ways that she could never have anticipated, he had made her feel unjudged. Less alone.”

— Ali Hazelwood

90. “If I have it, it’s yours.”

— Ali Hazelwood

91. “HYPOTHESIS: The more I mention an attachment in an email, the less likely I will be to actually include said attachment.”

— Ali Hazelwood

92. “Olive scowled. “Are you trying to get me to decline my offer? Is this some kind of anti–expired-contacts-wearers campaign?”

— Ali Hazelwood

93. “If there was something she could empathize with, it was scientific studies coming to an abrupt halt because of a lack of resources.”

— Ali Hazelwood

94. “My weakness is women in STEM. I want to protect them from the structurally unequal hellfire of academia.”

— Ali Hazelwood

95. “I need a new nervous habit. Nail biting. Fidget spinners. I’ve heard great things about crystal meth.”

— Ali Hazelwood

96. “You can introduce me to the hamster.” “Guinea pig.” “Pretty sure they’re the same thing.”

— Ali Hazelwood

97. “Wouldn’t it be a problem that you’re faculty and I’m a graduate student?” He tilted his head, going serious. “It wouldn’t look great, but I don’t think so, no. Since I have no authority whatsoever over you and am not involved in your supervision. But I can ask around.”

— Ali Hazelwood

98. “I want you to marry me tomorrow so you can go on my health insurance.”

— Ali Hazelwood

99. “Chaotic goth misanthropy and creepy deadpan sarcasm are her brand, and I should know better than to take her seriously.”

— Ali Hazelwood

100. “I can’t believe you commented ‘delete your account.’ It’s cyberbullying, Liam.”

— Ali Hazelwood