Top 450 Ali Hazelwood Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “It’s not a date. But if it were – which it isn’t – it would be the best date of my life. Of course, because it’s not a date, the point is moot. But. If it were. Though it’s not.”

— Ali Hazelwood

202. “You sweet summer child.”

— Ali Hazelwood

203. “This is the equivalent to someone buying their own ‘World’s Best Boss’ mug. Congratulations, you’re officially NASA’s Micheal Scott.”

— Ali Hazelwood

204. “But I wonder if certain relationships are living proof of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle: their position and their velocity simply cannot both be measured at the same time, not even in theory.”

— Ali Hazelwood

205. “Your therapist sounds great.” “He was.” “But i still want to commit patricide.”

— Ali Hazelwood

206. “I’ll just say you had a family emergency.” Holden winked. “Perhaps future-family emergency, how does that sound?”

— Ali Hazelwood

207. “Have you considered getting a real girlfriend?” His eyebrow lifted. “Have you considered getting a real date?”

— Ali Hazelwood

208. “She’s so mean. I love her.”

— Ali Hazelwood

209. “That’s the thing with science. We’re drilled to believe that false positives are bad, but false negatives are just as terrifying.”

— Ali Hazelwood

210. “Yep. I’m so glad he finally scrounged up the courage to ask you out. He’d been going on and on about this ‘amazing girl’ for years, but he was concerned about being in the same department, and you know how he is... ” He shrugged and waved his hand. “I’m glad he finally managed to pull his head out of his ass.”

— Ali Hazelwood

211. “Levi cups my face, forehead touching mine. His hands – they are my home. “Bee. Don’t take this from us,” he murmurs. Ragged. Careful. Hopeful. “Please.” I’ve never wanted anything more than to say yes. I’ve never wished to reach for something as I do now. And I’ve never been so utterly, petrifyingly scared to lose something.”

— Ali Hazelwood

212. “Qualquer boato sobre a minha vida amorosa vai se espalhar numa velocidade diretamente proporcional ao meu desejo de manter o referido boato em segredo.”

— Ali Hazelwood

213. “God, she had forced a married man, a father, to kiss her. Now people thought that he was having an affair. His wife was probably crying into her pillow. His kids would grow up with horrible daddy issues and become serial killers.”

— Ali Hazelwood

214. “Is this another one of your green card marriage interview questions?”

— Ali Hazelwood

215. “Pearl Jam’s not my favorite, but it’s good, and I hate that Levi likes good music. I need him to love Dave Matthews Band. To stan the Insane Clown Posse. To have a Nickelback tramp stamp.”

— Ali Hazelwood

216. “Then write a report about it. Due by the end of the semester. Don’t come to me bitching about it during office hours, because I will call security to escort you out.”

— Ali Hazelwood

217. “Probabilmente gli piaceva qualcosa di tremendo, come fare i dispetti alle mucche oppure i combattimenti tra coleotteri giapponesi.”

— Ali Hazelwood

218. “She would have loved to run to the edge of campus and scream into the void until modern civilization collapsed, but that wasn’t exactly a pressing matter.”

— Ali Hazelwood

219. “He’s wearing a dark-green henley.”

— Ali Hazelwood

220. “Maybe that’s what he majored in at Dartmouth: Snow Shoveling. Nicely complemented by a minor in Muscles. His honors thesis was titled The Importance of Armceps in Ergonomic Excavating. Then he moved to graduate school to study How-to-Make-a-Mundane-Winter-Task-Look-Attractive Law.”

— Ali Hazelwood

221. “There was something intrinsically enjoyable in having him next to her, so physical and undeniable. She felt it on some primal, visceral level, the giddy happiness that always came with his presence.”

— Ali Hazelwood

222. “How are you?” “Good. Fine. I mean, I wish I were dead. But aside from that.”

— Ali Hazelwood

223. “The internet is a sea full of creepy, cybercriminal fish, and if Mark Zuckerberg can cover his laptop webcam with a piece of tape, I reserve the right to keep things painfully anonymous.”

— Ali Hazelwood

224. “He cradled her head with both hands, fingers sliding through her hair and holding her tight as he lowered his forehead to hers. He was warm, and smelled like himself, like safe and home.”

— Ali Hazelwood

225. “He was holding his key card and typing something in his phone, but stopped as soon as he looked up and noticed Olive. His mouth opened, and – That was it. It just stayed open.”

— Ali Hazelwood

226. “I do reserve the right to comment on your abysmal taste in men.”

— Ali Hazelwood

227. “Approximately two out of three fake-dating situations will eventually involve room-sharing; 50 percent of room-sharing situations will be further complicated by the presence of only one bed.”

— Ali Hazelwood

228. “How the turntables,” Adam murmured.”

— Ali Hazelwood

229. “LILY SULLIVAN IS warm, personable, and sweet in a delicious Southern way.”

— Ali Hazelwood

230. “I’m not a very secretive person, mostly out of laziness: I refuse to take on the cognitive labor of tracking lies and omissions.”

— Ali Hazelwood

231. “In my fantasies, you allow me to keep an eye on you.” I feel his lips at my temple. “And when I really let go, I imagine that you let me take care of you, too.”

— Ali Hazelwood

232. “Ik hou van jou, Adam.”

— Ali Hazelwood

233. “Is he blackmailing you? Did he find out that you’re an aberration and pee in the shower?”

— Ali Hazelwood

234. “Olive felt her shoulders sag with relief and had to resist the urge to fist-pump. Take that, you stupid rom-coms. She may have fallen for the dude she’d begun to fake-date like some born-yesterday fool, but at least she wouldn’t be sharing a bed with him any time soon.”

— Ali Hazelwood

235. “He tilted his head. “Standard protocol?” “Yup.” “How many times have you done this?” “Zero. But I am familiar with the trope.”

— Ali Hazelwood

236. “And I definitely wouldn’t want you to be George.” “And why is that?” He presses his lips together. He’s even closer now. Surprisingly earnest. “It would be a waste.”

— Ali Hazelwood

237. “Bee has a useless parasympathetic nervous system, which is an endless source of entertainment,” Levi explains to Penny. “Excuse me.” I scowl. “Some of us don’t have the luxury of stable blood pressure.”

— Ali Hazelwood

238. “I step out with a small wave and notice two things: he’s staring hard at his feet, and his left hand is a tight fist at his side.”

— Ali Hazelwood

239. “Dude, stop trying so hard.” She kneeled until she was at eye level with the cage. The mouse kicked around with its little legs, its tail flopping back and forth. “You’re supposed to be bad at this. And I’m supposed to write a dissertation about how bad you are. And then you get a chunk of cheese, and I get a real job that pays real money and the joy of saying ‘I’m not that kind of doctor’ when someone is having a stroke on my airplane.”

— Ali Hazelwood

240. “For real though, Amber says, Glenn and I can see everything going on in this hallway. I thought I’d intervene before you got pregnant.”

— Ali Hazelwood

241. “You just had to go and make me fall for you, she thought, blinking against his skin. You absolute ass.”

— Ali Hazelwood

242. “It’s okay, Olive. Breathe.”

— Ali Hazelwood

243. “It sounds sketchy. Like he’s trying to lure me to a secondary location.”

— Ali Hazelwood

244. “I laugh again, exhausted and drowsy and over the moon, and I cannot help but wonder how different this morning would be if Erik hadn’t been the one to buy Faye’s croissant. I cannot help but wonder if this is the first day of the rest of my life.”

— Ali Hazelwood

245. “Academia was nothing but a bunch of busy people running around busily.”

— Ali Hazelwood

246. “Oh, Levi, Levi. I can be fearless. I can be as fearless and honest as you are. If you will teach me.”

— Ali Hazelwood

247. “You know what your condition is? It’s called – ” “Not a condition, we’ve been over – ” “ – avoidant attachment. You’re pathologically independent and don’t let others come close out of fear that they’ll eventually leave you. You have erected a fence around you – the Bee-fence – and are terrified of anything resembling emotional –.”

— Ali Hazelwood

248. “I don’t know if this is a date,” he says, serious, “but if it isn’t, will you go on one with me?” I smile so wide, my cheeks nearly hurt.”

— Ali Hazelwood

249. “I’m sorry about the socks, by the way.” She winced. “I know it’s a controversial topic.”

— Ali Hazelwood

250. “Apparently, weeping silently was her new baseline state.”

— Ali Hazelwood