Top 450 Ali Hazelwood Quotes (2025 Update)
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401. “It looks good. As in, really good. You were probably one of the most handsome men I’d ever talked to last week, but now you look even better. Not that I care about these things. I don’t care at all. I rarely notice guys, and I’m not sure why I’m noticing you, or your hair, or your clothes, or how tall and broad you are. I really don’t get it. I never care. Usually. Ugh.”

— Ali Hazelwood

402. “Hey.” The voice, deep and even, came from somewhere behind Olive, but she didn’t need to turn to know that it was Carlsen’s.”

— Ali Hazelwood

403. “The shape oh his lips under hers was like an old song, familiar and easy.”

— Ali Hazelwood

404. “Greg’s dad, who stands silently next to her, popping three cubes of colby jack into his mouth with the vacant smile of someone who’s been dissociating since 1999.”

— Ali Hazelwood

405. “There is no guarantee that we won’t be suctioned off the surface of the earth by a demonically possessed vacuum cleaner.”

— Ali Hazelwood

406. “There’s nothing bad about taking more than five years to graduate,” he offered in a conciliatory tone.”

— Ali Hazelwood

407. “Like global warming and capitalism had a love child who’s going through a bodybuilding phase.”

— Ali Hazelwood

408. “Cat jumps on the island. He gingerly sidesteps our mugs and with a curious expression sniffs Erik’s croissant. “Oh, buddy, no,” Erik whispers. “You don’t want to do that.” Cat takes a delicate lick. Then he turns to me to stare with a horrified, betrayed expression.”

— Ali Hazelwood

409. “I marvel that I was given credit for my idea. Goes to show how low the bar is for cis dudes in STEM, doesn’t it?”

— Ali Hazelwood

410. “Mara on either side of me in my queen-size bed, and my heart is so full, I’m afraid it’ll overflow. Apparently this is what I am now, a unicorn rainbow marshmallow kitten creature. Bah.”

— Ali Hazelwood

411. “Hey, he’s my cousin-or-something.” Sadie pats her on the shoulder. “It’s the or something that gets me every time. You can really feel the unbreakable family ties.”

— Ali Hazelwood

412. “So if Carlsen is secretly an extraterrestrial life-form planning a takeover of Earth that will ultimately result in humanity being enslaved by evil overlords who look like cicadas, and the only way to stop him is dating him, you can tell me and I’ll inform NASA –.”

— Ali Hazelwood

413. “When the weight in her belly began to feel too heavy, her knees gave out on her and her back slid down until she sat on the floor. Olive stayed like that for a long time, trying to pretend that this wasn’t her life.”

— Ali Hazelwood

414. “And then a girl with curly dark hair and a pretty, round face plopped in the chair next to hers and muttered, “So much for the STEM programs’ commitment to inclusivity, am I right?” That was the moment everything changed.”

— Ali Hazelwood

415. “Did you know that conservatives tend to have larger amygdalae than liberals? That taxi drivers’ hippocampi grow bigger as they memorize how to navigate London? That brain differences predict variations in personality?”

— Ali Hazelwood

416. “He studies my face for several moments, like he cannot stop on the cover or the first page, like he needs to read the whole book every time.”

— Ali Hazelwood

417. “They aren’t bad people, but I doubt they wanted a kid, and I know for sure that they weren’t fans of whatever changes my arrival brought to their lifestyle. Probably the reason they were never huge fans. We talk maybe once or twice a year now – and I’m always the one who calls. Oh well.”

— Ali Hazelwood

418. “Not anyway, but because.”

— Ali Hazelwood

419. “There is no universe in which I’m going to let you go. I want to be with you, on you, every second of every day.”

— Ali Hazelwood

420. “Science, I tell myself in my inner Jeff Goldblum voice, finds a way.”

— Ali Hazelwood

421. “Maybe spending so many years alone had warped her in some fundamental way and that was why she seemed to be unable to develop a true romantic connection, or even the type of attraction she often heard others talk about.”

— Ali Hazelwood

422. “This is my life, after all: a flaming ball of scorching, untimely awkwardness.”

— Ali Hazelwood

423. “In which case she supposed that she would see him again, when she pleaded guilty in federal court.”

— Ali Hazelwood

424. “I’ve never wanted anything more than to say yes. I’ve never wished to reach for something as I do now. And I’ve never been so utterly, petrifyingly scared to lose something.”

— Ali Hazelwood

425. “For the life of me, I can’t remember a better activity than staying at home in my pj’s and hanging out with my roommate.”

— Ali Hazelwood

426. “But take your time, Elsie. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

— Ali Hazelwood

427. “I hate that I love him,” Mara mutters under her breath. Sadie sighs. “At least yours isn’t running against the wall because he can’t use the controller.”

— Ali Hazelwood

428. “I want to be with you, on you, every second of every day. I think – I dream of crazy things. I want you to marry me tomorrow so you can go on my health insurance.”

— Ali Hazelwood

429. “I want to try them all. All the kisses Levi Ward is capable of, I want to sample them like fine wine.”

— Ali Hazelwood

430. “One of the people visiting town is a biologist from Stanford. He’s as tall as Jack – an impossibility, I thought, especially within the nerd community.”

— Ali Hazelwood

431. “Just lots of talking through how my inability to functionally communicate my needs stemmed from a family that never allowed me to. Same old.”

— Ali Hazelwood

432. “He opened his mouth, and then closed it. And then opened it again. You kissed that mouth, Olive. And it was a good kiss.”

— Ali Hazelwood

433. “She was never going to get used to the fact that professors were real people and had first names –.”

— Ali Hazelwood

434. “Had she hallucinated it? Had Adam really just pushed a giant truck all by himself? Was he an alien from planet Krypton who moonlighted as a superhero?”

— Ali Hazelwood

435. “Her mind was never calm, or orderly – more like a garbled mess of thoughts, really.”

— Ali Hazelwood

436. “We were terrified, and probably somewhere deep down we were convinced that we’d signed up for it and we deserved it. That we were failures who would never amount to anything.”

— Ali Hazelwood

437. “Adam rolled his eyes, clearly amused. “Olive, this is my friend and collaborator. Dr. Tom Benton.”

— Ali Hazelwood

438. “My hair, eyes, sometimes even my soul, are black-hole dark. And here he is, Martian red and ocean blue.”

— Ali Hazelwood

439. “No. Lily and I dated briefly ages ago, but now we’re friends. She’s a teacher, and a single mother for the past year. Sometimes I’ll watch.”

— Ali Hazelwood

440. “Erik: Congrats, man. Erik: Unrelated question: Are you guys ever scared of your wives? The replies are instantaneous. Liam: 100%. Ian: Hannah’s still not my wife, but yeah. Shitless.”

— Ali Hazelwood

441. “His calm acceptance of her anxiety had the exact opposite effect of Dr. Aslan’s enthusiasm: it relaxed her.”

— Ali Hazelwood

442. “I’m not being needlessly dramatic when I say that it was a whole thing. On Facebook. On the news, including 60 Minutes. Even Oprah talked about it – the Jonathan Smith-Turner Affair, the Theoretical Hoax, the Physics Scandal. Einstein rolled in his grave. Newton puked up his apple. Feynman quietly stepped in a tank of liquid helium.”

— Ali Hazelwood

443. “Malcolm huffed. “You two can be so smart and yet so slow.”

— Ali Hazelwood

444. “You have no food, man.”

— Ali Hazelwood

445. “I can give you nice. I can give you better than nice. I can give you everything.”

— Ali Hazelwood

446. “He covers his eyes. “You mean, when I asked you to dress professionally while I was wearing a T-shirt with a hole in the right armpit?” “Were you really?” “Most of my T-shirts have armpit holes. Statistically speaking, yes.”

— Ali Hazelwood

447. “Please don’t build an atomic bomb.” “Don’t tell me what to do.” He sighs. “I’ll make room for the plutonium in the cheese drawer.”

— Ali Hazelwood

448. “I really wish I had the emotional fortitude to hang up on you.”

— Ali Hazelwood

449. “Like I’m as light as an Amazon delivery box, the giant ones that for some reason have only a single stick of deodorant packed inside.”

— Ali Hazelwood

450. “Clearly, sports were another thing Adam Carlsen excelled at – unfairly so.”

— Ali Hazelwood