Top 500 Andy Weir Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “My lungs, now full of carbon dioxide, panic. But the adrenaline rush doesn’t give me the strength I need to escape. It just keeps me awake so I can experience death in more detail. Thanks, adrenal glands.”

— Andy Weir

452. “I opened and closed my hands a few times. The bandages were off, but both hands were littered with red blisters. I looked like a leper. Or a hooker who gave handjobs exclusively to lepers.”

— Andy Weir

453. “The area around the MAV looks like the set of Sanford and Son. I learned about Sanford and Son from Lewis’s collection. Seriously, that woman needs to see someone about her seventies problem.”

— Andy Weir

454. “Armstrong Bubble sits in the middle, surrounded by Aldrin, Conrad, Bean, and Shepard.”

— Andy Weir

455. “Jesus, what a complicated process,” Venkat said. “Try updating a Linux server sometime,” Jack said.”

— Andy Weir

456. “It just has to last long enough for me to get to safety. And where will that “safety” be? Not a damn clue.”

— Andy Weir

457. “I’m getting pretty good at this. Maybe when all this is over I could be a product tester for Mars rovers.”

— Andy Weir

458. “With both of the trailer’s airlock doors open I was able to get the first battery in. After playing real-life Tetris for a while I found a way to get the first battery out of the way enough to let the second battery in.”

— Andy Weir

459. “As the ship soared, the open OMS ports took their toll. The crew rocked in their couches as the craft shook violently. Martinez.”

— Andy Weir

460. “Still, their well-maintained air shelter and regular fire drills had saved a lot of lives. Factories can be rebuilt. People can’t. It was a win.”

— Andy Weir

461. “After I board Ares 4, before talking to NASA, I will take control of a craft in international waters without permission. That makes me a pirate! A space pirate!”

— Andy Weir

462. “I had this bad habit of checking my bank account every day, as if compulsively looking at it would make it grow.”

— Andy Weir

463. “I’ll give you a million slugs.” “Deal.”

— Andy Weir

464. “But I want a pic of his face ASAP.” “Can’t do that.” “Why not?” “Because if he takes off his helmet, he’ll die.”

— Andy Weir

465. “Running to the spacecraft, he hugged Landing Strut B.”

— Andy Weir

466. “Evolution is extremely good at filling every nook in the ecosystem.”

— Andy Weir

467. “Why not? It should be pretty damned obvious why not! They didn’t want to put astronauts next to a glowing hot ball of radioactive death!”

— Andy Weir

468. “There is no “stationary” in a solar system. You’re always moving around something.”

— Andy Weir

469. “You’re a smart-ass, Tim,” Venkat said. “Noted.”

— Andy Weir

470. “Software engineers are sneaky bastards when it comes to data management.”

— Andy Weir

471. “I unraveled Martinez’s bed and took the string outside, then taped it to the trailer hull along the path I planned to cut. Yes, of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshiped.”

— Andy Weir

472. “Because if he takes off his helmet, he’ll die.”

— Andy Weir

473. “They were going back to Mars.”

— Andy Weir

474. “It was great! Straight-A student. Hanging around nerdy guys too scared to try anything. No wild side at all. You were every father’s dream daughter.” “Thanks, Dad, I – ” “But then you got on a giant bomb that blasted you to Mars. And I mean that literally.”

— Andy Weir

475. “There’ll be a lot of H2O at the end, but I’ll be too dead to appreciate it.”

— Andy Weir

476. “I’ve gutted that poor rover so much, it looks like I parked it in a bad part of town.”

— Andy Weir

477. “He waves to me with a free arm. He knows one human greeting and by golly he plans to use it.”

— Andy Weir

478. “I might have been on the run for my life, but I wasn’t willing to go without e-mail.”

— Andy Weir

479. “Ready for depress?′ Dale asked via the radio. ‘Pretty depressed, yeah,’ I said.”

— Andy Weir

480. “A frumpy Midwestern woman giggled at her window and turned to me. “Isn’t it amazing?! We’re on the moon!”

— Andy Weir

481. “I don’t even know who’ll read this. I guess someone will find it eventually. Maybe a hundred years from now.”

— Andy Weir

482. “It’s a good thing those numbers were right. If they hadn’t been, there would have been some serious scrambling when the orbital insertion went wrong. Maybe even some dying.”

— Andy Weir

483. “I was approximately as critical as toilet paper.”

— Andy Weir

484. “A clumsy, awkward success is still a success.”

— Andy Weir

485. “It’s awesome to have a bunch of dipshits on Earth telling me, a botanist, how to grow plants.”

— Andy Weir

486. “Also, please tell them that each and every one of their mothers is a prostitute. – Watney PS: Their sisters, too.”

— Andy Weir

487. “Commander Lewis, be advised I’ll publicly refute it. I’m sure the rest of the crew will do the same. Also, please tell them that each and every one of their mothers is a prostitute. – Watney.”

— Andy Weir

488. “What the fudge is going on?! Fudge? Seriously? Maybe I have young kids. Or I’m deeply religious.”

— Andy Weir

489. “You know what? “Kilowatt-hour per sol” is a pain in the ass to say. I’m gonna invent a new scientific unit name. One kilowatt-hour per sol is... it can be anything... um... I suck at this... I’ll call it a “pirate-ninja”.”

— Andy Weir

490. “I’ll give my dad credit; he never claimed it was to build character or teach me the value of hard work. “Snowblowers are expensive,” he used to say. “You’re free.”

— Andy Weir

491. “For some reason, a high concentration of O2 will kill most headaches. Don’t know why. Don’t care. The important thing is I don’t have to suffer.”

— Andy Weir

492. “Hartnell’s was for drinking. And you could get any drink you wanted, as long as it was beer.”

— Andy Weir

493. “He hadn’t expected a woman to recommend hookers. Earthers tend to be uptight on that topic, and I’ve never understood why. It’s a service performed for a payment. What’s the big deal?”

— Andy Weir

494. “Three days off the painkillers and I’m a lot smarter than I was. At least he understands that much – I wasn’t just some stupid human. I was a human with enhanced stupidity.”

— Andy Weir

495. “I already knew that, of course. But there’s a difference between knowing it and really experiencing it.”

— Andy Weir

496. “So lab-coated geeks got together and decided Mars’s elevation zero is wherever the air pressure is 610.5 pascals.”

— Andy Weir

497. “Why would New Zealand pay a bunch of money to help Africa?” I asked. “Because we’re nice,” Redell said.”

— Andy Weir

498. “But they never used large RTGs on manned missions until the Ares Program. Why not? It should be pretty damned obvious why not! They didn’t want to put astronauts next to a glowing hot ball of radioactive death!”

— Andy Weir

499. “Oh thank God. I can’t imagine explaining “sleep” to someone who had never heard of it. Hey, I’m going to fall unconscious and hallucinate for a while. By the way, I spend a third of my time doing this. And if I can’t do it for a while, I go insane and eventually die. No need for concern.”

— Andy Weir

500. “When flint strikes steel, it knocks microscopic flecks of metal into the air. The metal burns because of some complicated crap related to surface area and oxidization rates. Basically, it rusts so fast that the reaction heat makes fire.”

— Andy Weir