Top 500 Andy Weir Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “We have figured this out, yes,” said Dimitri. “With lasers. It was very illuminating experiment.” “Was that a pun?” “It was!”

— Andy Weir

102. “Snowblowers are expensive,” he used to say. “You’re free.” Once, I tried to appeal to my mom. “Don’t be such a wuss,” she suggested.”

— Andy Weir

103. “Also, have I mentioned I’m sick of potatoes? Because, by God, I am sick of potatoes. If I ever return to Earth, I’m going to buy a nice little home in Western Australia. Because Western Australia is on the opposite side of Earth from Idaho.”

— Andy Weir

104. “Anyway, much more important: I simply can’t abide the replacement of Chrissy with Cindy. Three’s Company may never be the same after this fiasco. Time will tell.”

— Andy Weir

105. “I now risked dying from oxygen toxicity, as the excessively high amount of oxygen threatened to burn up my nervous system, lungs, and eyes. An ironic death for someone with a leaky space suit: too much oxygen.”

— Andy Weir

106. “Jesus, what a complicated process,” Venkat said. “Try updating a Linux server sometime,” Jack said. After a moment of silence, Tim said, “You know he was telling a joke, right? That was supposed to be funny.”

— Andy Weir

107. “I need to ask myself, ‘What would an Apollo astronaut do?’ He’d drink three whiskey sours, drive his Corvette to the launchpad, then fly to the moon in a command module smaller than my Rover. Man those guys were cool.”

— Andy Weir

108. “People will trust a reliable criminal more readily than a shady businessman.”

— Andy Weir

109. “Deimos is a little piece of crap that’s no good to anyone.”

— Andy Weir

110. “What would you call an organism that exists on a diet of stars?”

— Andy Weir

111. “If I get back to Earth, I’ll be famous, right? A fearless astronaut who beat all the odds, right? I bet women like that. More motivation to stay alive.”

— Andy Weir

112. “Elrond,” Bruce said. “The Council of Elrond. From Lord of the Rings. It’s the meeting where they decide to destroy the One Ring.”

— Andy Weir

113. “I am sad also. But we not be sad for long. You are scientist. I am engineer. Together we solve.”

— Andy Weir

114. “I’m not the right guy for this job. I’m a last-second replacement because the actually qualified people blew up. But I’m here. I may not have all the answers, but I’m here.”

— Andy Weir

115. “And like all good plans, it required a crazy Ukrainian guy.”

— Andy Weir

116. “Nothing like a language barrier to make people leave you alone.”

— Andy Weir

117. “Voy a abandonar Marte hoy, de una forma o de otra. Ya era hora, joder.”

— Andy Weir

118. “A. John Young. He is the quintessential astronaut. Competent, fearless, highly intelligent, and seemingly immune to stress. When Apollo 16 launched, his heart rate never got higher than 70. Most astronauts spike to at least 120 during launches.”

— Andy Weir

119. “This all sounds like a great idea with no chance of catastrophic failure.”

— Andy Weir

120. “Making a sextant isn’t hard. All you need is a tube to look through, a string, a weight and something with degree markings. I made mine in under an hour.”

— Andy Weir

121. “I’m out of caffeine pills. No more Martian coffee for me.”

— Andy Weir

122. “I start to hyperventilate. “We’re dead in space. We’re stuck here forever.” “Not forever,” Rocky says. I perk up. “No?” “No. Orbit decay soon. Then we die.”

— Andy Weir

123. “Another day, another staff meeting. Who would have thought saving the world could be so boring?”

— Andy Weir

124. “She walked back to the door and knocked on it. A guard opened it up. “Anyway. I just wanted you to know why I’m doing this. I owed you that.” “Go to hell.” “Oh, I will, believe me. You three are going to Tau Ceti. The rest of us are going to hell. More accurately, hell is coming to us.”

— Andy Weir

125. “Option 1: Go home a hero and save all of humanity. Option 2: Go to Erid, save an alien species, and starve to death shortly after.”

— Andy Weir

126. “But oxygen’s easier to find on Mars than you might think. The atmosphere is 95 percent CO2. And I happen to have a machine whose sole purpose is liberating oxygen from CO2. Yay, oxygenator!”

— Andy Weir

127. “As usual, I’m working with stuff that was deliberately designed not to burn. But no amount of careful design by NASA can get around a determined arsonist with a tank of pure oxygen.”

— Andy Weir

128. “Not enough,” Annie said. “The press is crawling down my throat for this. And up my ass. Both directions, Venkat! They’re gonna meet in the middle!”

— Andy Weir

129. “Half the people who studied botany were hippies who thought they could return to some natural world system. Somehow feeding seven billion people through pure gathering.”

— Andy Weir

130. “I wonder how the Cubs are doing.”

— Andy Weir

131. “Remember those old math questions you had in algebra class? Where water is entering a container at a certain rate and leaving at a different rate and you need to figure out when it’ll be empty? Well, that concept is critical to the “Mark Watney doesn’t die” project I’m working on.”

— Andy Weir

132. “Disco. God damn it, Lewis.”

— Andy Weir

133. “It hurts like a motherfluffer!”

— Andy Weir

134. “Naturally,” Teddy said. “Astronauts are inherently insane. And really noble. What’s the idea?”

— Andy Weir

135. “Here’s a woman who had survived the centrifuge, the vomit comet, hard-landing drills and 10k runs. A woman who fixed a simulated MDV computer failure while being spun around upside-down. But she was afraid of a tattoo needle.”

— Andy Weir

136. “You’d think after almost killing myself twice, I’d be able to stop screwing around with hydrazine. But nope.”

— Andy Weir

137. “Water boils at 61 degrees Celsius here, so that’s as hot as tea or coffee can be. Apparently it’s disgustingly cold to people who aren’t used to it.”

— Andy Weir

138. “Time for science!”

— Andy Weir

139. “Resistors heat up. It’s what they do.”

— Andy Weir

140. “Jesus Christ, I’d give anything for a five-minute conversation with anyone. Anyone, anywhere. About anything.”

— Andy Weir

141. “But there’s something more important we need to discuss: What is it with you and disco? I can understand the ’70s TV because everyone loves hairy people with huge collars. But disco? Disco!?”

— Andy Weir

142. “So that’s the situation. I’m stranded on Mars. I have no way to communicate with Hermes or Earth. Everyone thinks I’m dead. I’m in a Hab designed to last thirty-one days. If the oxygenator breaks down, I’ll suffocate. If the water reclaimer breaks down, I’ll die of thirst. If the Hab breaches, I’ll just kind of explode. If none of those things happen, I’ll eventually run out of food and starve to death.”

— Andy Weir

143. “Stupid humanity. Getting in the way of my hobbies.”

— Andy Weir

144. “My master’s degree in botany makes me pretty sure plants need wet dirt to grow in.”

— Andy Weir

145. “But in the end, if everything goes to plan, I’ll have 92 square meters of crop-able soil. Hell yeah I’m a botanist! Fear my botany powers!”

— Andy Weir

146. “Martinez and Johanssen floated down the hall toward Docking Port A. “So,” he said, “who would you have eaten first?” She glared at him. “’Cause I think I’d be tastiest,” he continued, flexing his arm. “Look at that. Good solid muscle there.” “You’re not funny.” “I’m free-range, you know. Corn-fed.” She shook her head and accelerated down the hall. “Come on! I thought you liked Mexican!” “Not listening,” she called back.”

— Andy Weir

147. “I was there every day and my sparkling personality was hard to forget.”

— Andy Weir

148. “They smiled and made happy Russian sounds.”

— Andy Weir

149. “Half the people who studied botany were hippies who thought they could return to some natural world system. Somehow feeding seven billion people through pure gathering. They spent most of their time working out better ways to grow pot. I didn’t like them.”

— Andy Weir

150. “I’ll spend the rest of the evening enjoying a potato. And by “enjoying” I mean “hating so much I want to kill people.”

— Andy Weir