Top 500 Andy Weir Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “They see the water reclaimer as a critical survival element. There’s no backup, and they think I’ll die instantly without it. To them, equipment failure is terrifying. To me, it’s “Tuesday.”

— Andy Weir

302. “And just like that another climate denier is born. See how easy it is? All I have to do is tell you something you don’t want to hear.”

— Andy Weir

303. “Everything just changed. Watney’s headed for Pathfinder.”

— Andy Weir

304. “One of them was from my alma mater, the University of Chicago. They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially “colonized” it. So technically, I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!”

— Andy Weir

305. “I spend a lot of it sitting around on my lazy ass watching TV. But so do you, so don’t judge.”

— Andy Weir

306. “I need some encouragement. I need to ask myself, “What would an Apollo astronaut do?”

— Andy Weir

307. “I’m the first person to be alone on an entire planet.”

— Andy Weir

308. “I experimented with potato skin tea a few weeks ago. The less said about that the better.”

— Andy Weir

309. “I would only be “in command” of the mission if I were the only remaining person. What do you know? I’m in command.”

— Andy Weir

310. “Something very hot and very explodey had happened, and I wasn’t sure what. Or how.”

— Andy Weir

311. “I was left without references and relied on Phobos to guide me. There’s probably symbolism there. Phobos is the god of fear, and I’m letting it be my guide. Not a good sign.”

— Andy Weir

312. “People have been using human waste as fertilizer for centuries. It’s even got a pleasant name: “night soil.”

— Andy Weir

313. “THEY GATHERED. Everywhere on Earth, they gathered. In Trafalgar Square and Tiananmen Square and Times Square, they watched on giant screens.”

— Andy Weir

314. “Very few people get a chance to quantify how much their father loves them. But I did. The job should have taken forty-five minutes, but Dad spent three and a half hours on it. My father loves me 366 percent more than he loves anything else. Good to know.”

— Andy Weir

315. “I washed it down with some Martian coffee. That’s my name for “hot water with a caffeine pill dissolved in it.” I ran out of real coffee months ago.”

— Andy Weir

316. “Ever transcribed 141 random bytes, one-half of a byte at a time?”

— Andy Weir

317. “No one ever talks about the really hard parts of first contact with intelligent alien life: pronouns.”

— Andy Weir

318. “He was chosen for the mission in part because of his personality. An Ares crew has to spend thirteen months together. Social compatibility is key. Mark not only fits well in any social group, he’s a catalyst to make the group work better. It was a terrible blow to the crew when he ‘died.’” “And they.”

— Andy Weir

319. “The thing that sucks about life-or-death situations is how boring they can be.”

— Andy Weir

320. “All around me there was nothing but dust, rocks, and endless empty desert in all directions. The planet’s famous red color is from iron oxide coating everything. So it’s not just a desert. It’s a desert so old it’s literally rusting.”

— Andy Weir

321. “Goodness me! DuBois appears to be black! I’m surprised you allowed it! Aren’t you afraid he’ll ruin the mission with talk of rap music and basketball?”

— Andy Weir

322. “A clumsy, awkward success is still a success.”

— Andy Weir

323. “It’s awesome to have a bunch of dipshits on Earth telling me, a botanist, how to grow plants.”

— Andy Weir

324. “Just once I’d like something to go as planned, ya know?”

— Andy Weir

325. “Also, please tell them that each and every one of their mothers is a prostitute. – Watney PS: Their sisters, too.”

— Andy Weir

326. “Goddamn, it’s annoying to commit crimes in a small town.”

— Andy Weir

327. “The rover was not so lucky. It continued tumbling down the hill, bouncing the traveler around like clothes in a dryer. After twenty meters, the soft powder gave way to more solid sand and the rover shuddered to a halt. It had come to rest on its side. The valves leading to the now- missing hoses had detected the sudden pressure drop and closed. The pressure seal was not breached. The traveler was alive, for now.”

— Andy Weir

328. “Despite what you see in action movies and comics, bigger really is better. A six-foot man just has too much of an edge over two slim women.”

— Andy Weir

329. “And the American people may be sentimental, but their government is not. The US State Department won’t trade anything major for one man’s life.”

— Andy Weir

330. “Human waste has pathogens in it that, you guessed it, infect humans.”

— Andy Weir

331. “Commander Lewis, be advised I’ll publicly refute it. I’m sure the rest of the crew will do the same. Also, please tell them that each and every one of their mothers is a prostitute. – Watney.”

— Andy Weir

332. “What the fudge is going on?! Fudge? Seriously? Maybe I have young kids. Or I’m deeply religious.”

— Andy Weir

333. “Martinez was first out of his bunk. An air force man, he could match Lewis’s navy schedule with ease.”

— Andy Weir

334. “It’s a weird feeling, scientific breakthroughs. There’s no Eureka moment. Just a slow, steady progression toward a goal. But man, when you get to that goal it feels good.”

— Andy Weir

335. “Yeah, I definitely pulled something in my back. I woke up in agony. So I took a break from rover planning. Instead, I spent the day taking drugs and playing with radiation.”

— Andy Weir

336. “Well, that concept is critical to the “Mark Watney doesn’t die” project.”

— Andy Weir

337. “Got to love computers. They do all the thinking for you so you don’t have to.”

— Andy Weir

338. “The computer finishes its boot process and brings up a screen I’ve never seen before. I can tell it means trouble, because the word “TROUBLE” is in large type across the top.”

— Andy Weir

339. “Then he knelt on one knee and fist-pumped repeatedly.”

— Andy Weir

340. “Were you followed?” “Of course,” I said. “And I led them straight to you. Turns out I’m not very bright.” “Smartass.” “Dumbass.”

— Andy Weir

341. “There are probably a thousand things that led to them being sapient and stuff.”

— Andy Weir

342. “My lungs, now full of carbon dioxide, panic. But the adrenaline rush doesn’t give me the strength I need to escape. It just keeps me awake so I can experience death in more detail. Thanks, adrenal glands.”

— Andy Weir

343. “I panted in my suit and suppressed the urge to puke. That was way the hell more exertion than I’m built for. An oxygen-deprivation headache took root. It’d be with me for a few hours, at least. I’d managed to get altitude sickness on the moon.”

— Andy Weir

344. “Snowblowers are expensive,” he used to say. “You’re free.”

— Andy Weir

345. “Also, I’ll lose half a liter of water per day to breathing until the humidity in the Hab reaches its maximum and water starts condensing on every surface. Then I’ll be licking the walls. Yay.”

— Andy Weir

346. “I opened and closed my hands a few times. The bandages were off, but both hands were littered with red blisters. I looked like a leper. Or a hooker who gave handjobs exclusively to lepers.”

— Andy Weir

347. “Also, I need to make an outdoor shed for the potatoes. I can’t just pile them up outside. The next major storm would cause the Great Martian Potato Migration.”

— Andy Weir

348. “Very good. Most would not know that.” “I teach junior high school science,” I said. “These things come up.”

— Andy Weir

349. “You’d be amazed at how fast you can get going with a tiny acceleration over a long time.”

— Andy Weir

350. “I’m Canadian, by the way. But don’t worry! I’m not one of those anti-American Canadians. I think you guys are alright.”

— Andy Weir