Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)
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451. “More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.”

— Bill Maher

452. “Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman.”

— Bill Maher

453. “Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— Bill Maher

454. “The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...”

— Bill Maher

455. “And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.”

— Bill Maher

456. “For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.”

— Bill Maher

457. “Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.”

— Bill Maher

458. “Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.”

— Bill Maher

459. “This is my question for conservatives: don’t you want to live, too?”

— Bill Maher

460. “I never thought I’d say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.”

— Bill Maher

461. “Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck.”

— Bill Maher

462. “It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.”

— Bill Maher

463. “The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they’re so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.”

— Bill Maher

464. “There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.”

— Bill Maher

465. “I’d just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted – and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?”

— Bill Maher

466. “In America, there’s no idea so patently absurd that it can’t catch on.”

— Bill Maher

467. “Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you’re tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin’s Russia is definitely the place you want to go.”

— Bill Maher

468. “There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.”

— Bill Maher

469. “If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.”

— Bill Maher

470. “But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.”

— Bill Maher

471. “Republicans have pounced. They’re outraged. They say, ‘How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?’”

— Bill Maher

472. “Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead.”

— Bill Maher

473. “Why are the patriots the ones who don’t want to spend money on trains?”

— Bill Maher

474. “Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.”

— Bill Maher

475. “It’s very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.”

— Bill Maher

476. “If a President must constantly remind the people that we’re at war, then we’re not.”

— Bill Maher

477. “My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can’t do for themselves. And that’s mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism.”

— Bill Maher

478. “The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.”

— Bill Maher

479. “The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.”

— Bill Maher

480. “New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?”

— Bill Maher

481. “New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn’t say, “In God We Trust.”

— Bill Maher

482. “The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.”

— Bill Maher

483. “Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.”

— Bill Maher

484. “I didn’t really think a lot about religion, but I didn’t really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn’t go to church, but when I got in trouble I kinda pleaded with God – whoever that was.”

— Bill Maher

485. “Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, “If Brazil can do it, America can, too!” Since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil? We invented the airplane and the lightbulb, they invented the bikini wax, and now they’re ahead?”

— Bill Maher

486. “This is a ridiculous heat wave we’re in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.”

— Bill Maher

487. “When you tolerate intolerance, you’re not really being a liberal.”

— Bill Maher

488. “Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling ‘Santorum.’”

— Bill Maher

489. “Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.”

— Bill Maher

490. “We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.”

— Bill Maher

491. “Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he’s still losing in the money race!”

— Bill Maher

492. “Do you think it’s possible that when we’re on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we’re having a really spiritual experience that we’re just high?”

— Bill Maher

493. “I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it’s a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man.”

— Bill Maher

494. “New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of “every man for himself” doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.”

— Bill Maher

495. “Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.”

— Bill Maher

496. “My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.”

— Bill Maher