Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)
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451. “Don’t you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you’d better get out there and say you’re a very faith-based person.”

— Bill Maher

452. “During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he’s made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate.”

— Bill Maher

453. “I like groaning. That means that you’re not pandering to their already settled prejudices.”

— Bill Maher

454. “When the tabloids photograph me when I’m out, I always say: “You know what, folks? I’m not married and I’m not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty.””

— Bill Maher

455. “New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’”

— Bill Maher

456. “When we make mistakes they call it evil.”

— Bill Maher

457. “Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there’s also a lot to laugh at, I think it’s a good balance.”

— Bill Maher

458. “Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country.”

— Bill Maher

459. “The Eleventh Commandment: don’t speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn’t it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans?”

— Bill Maher

460. “Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I’m beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.”

— Bill Maher

461. “If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.”

— Bill Maher

462. “But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.”

— Bill Maher

463. “Republicans have pounced. They’re outraged. They say, ‘How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?’”

— Bill Maher

464. “Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead.”

— Bill Maher

465. “Why are the patriots the ones who don’t want to spend money on trains?”

— Bill Maher

466. “Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest.”

— Bill Maher

467. “It’s very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.”

— Bill Maher

468. “If a President must constantly remind the people that we’re at war, then we’re not.”

— Bill Maher

469. “My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can’t do for themselves. And that’s mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism.”

— Bill Maher

470. “The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.”

— Bill Maher

471. “The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.”

— Bill Maher

472. “New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?”

— Bill Maher

473. “Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck.”

— Bill Maher

474. “It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.”

— Bill Maher

475. “The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they’re so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.”

— Bill Maher

476. “There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.”

— Bill Maher

477. “I’d just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted – and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?”

— Bill Maher

478. “In America, there’s no idea so patently absurd that it can’t catch on.”

— Bill Maher

479. “Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you’re tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin’s Russia is definitely the place you want to go.”

— Bill Maher

480. “There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.”

— Bill Maher

481. “This is a ridiculous heat wave we’re in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.”

— Bill Maher

482. “When you tolerate intolerance, you’re not really being a liberal.”

— Bill Maher

483. “Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling ‘Santorum.’”

— Bill Maher

484. “Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.”

— Bill Maher

485. “We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.”

— Bill Maher

486. “New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn’t say, “In God We Trust.”

— Bill Maher

487. “The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.”

— Bill Maher

488. “Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.”

— Bill Maher

489. “I didn’t really think a lot about religion, but I didn’t really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn’t go to church, but when I got in trouble I kinda pleaded with God – whoever that was.”

— Bill Maher

490. “Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, “If Brazil can do it, America can, too!” Since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil? We invented the airplane and the lightbulb, they invented the bikini wax, and now they’re ahead?”

— Bill Maher

491. “Do you think it’s possible that when we’re on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we’re having a really spiritual experience that we’re just high?”

— Bill Maher

492. “I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it’s a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man.”

— Bill Maher

493. “New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of “every man for himself” doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.”

— Bill Maher

494. “Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.”

— Bill Maher

495. “Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he’s still losing in the money race!”

— Bill Maher

496. “My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.”

— Bill Maher