Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.”

— Bill Maher

302. “Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it’s probably because there was some truth in it.”

— Bill Maher

303. “When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.”

— Bill Maher

304. “You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts.”

— Bill Maher

305. “Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.”

— Bill Maher

306. “I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

307. “The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.”

— Bill Maher

308. “We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.”

— Bill Maher

309. “The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is.”

— Bill Maher

310. “New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.”

— Bill Maher

311. “I think we need to change that old saying, “I don’t need a building to fall on me.” Because two did and we still don’t get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.”

— Bill Maher

312. “Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a ‘tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.’”

— Bill Maher

313. “New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, “Dude, do not mess with Lysol”?”

— Bill Maher

314. “Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.”

— Bill Maher

315. “The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.”

— Bill Maher

316. “The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren’t sexy anymore.”

— Bill Maher

317. “Clint Eastwood’s speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t exist.”

— Bill Maher

318. “I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.”

— Bill Maher

319. “Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said, ‘Marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what’s ruining this country.’”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Strong Quotes, Country Quotes

320. “New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It’s not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That’s just a common fantasy of Republican men.”

— Bill Maher

321. “Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn’t possess because you don’t possess.”

— Bill Maher

322. “The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.”

— Bill Maher

323. “If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it’s kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.”

— Bill Maher

324. “Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk.”

— Bill Maher

325. “Don’t vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.”

— Bill Maher

326. “I don’t know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer’s market. I don’t want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama’s new campaign slogan is ‘Are you better off than you were four days ago?’”

— Bill Maher

327. “Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.”

— Bill Maher

328. “Death is nature’s way of killing you.”

— Bill Maher

329. “I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.”

— Bill Maher

330. “For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda – patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan.”

— Bill Maher

331. “What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can’t vote.”

— Bill Maher

332. “You’re not a patriot unless even when you lose, it’s still your country.”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

333. “Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show.”

— Bill Maher

334. “Fascism is when corporations become the government.”

— Bill Maher

335. “I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.”

— Bill Maher

336. “I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.”

— Bill Maher

337. “This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.”

— Bill Maher

338. “In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That’s just the way it is. Even George Bush’s father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn’t that bright.”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

339. “It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace Prize winner in his.”

— Bill Maher

340. “I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.”

— Bill Maher

341. “I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.”

— Bill Maher

342. “Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn’t your job.”

— Bill Maher

343. “We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!”

— Bill Maher

344. “The country can’t get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

345. “This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.”

— Bill Maher

346. “They say that Japan’s rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it ‘fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that’s worse than being dead.’”

— Bill Maher

347. “Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.”

— Bill Maher

348. “It’s supposed to be a good thing that he’s got this dialogue started. To me, I think, I just took away something bad from it, because, apparently he had to do this not to convince them of anything. To educate them.”

— Bill Maher

349. “Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.”

— Bill Maher

350. “Government – they used to teach it in college. It’s actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn’t very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.”

— Bill Maher