Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.”

— Bill Maher

302. “I think we need to change that old saying, “I don’t need a building to fall on me.” Because two did and we still don’t get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.”

— Bill Maher

303. “If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it’s kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.”

— Bill Maher

304. “Death is nature’s way of killing you.”

— Bill Maher

305. “We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.”

— Bill Maher

306. “Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it’s probably because there was some truth in it.”

— Bill Maher

307. “The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.”

— Bill Maher

308. “Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.”

— Bill Maher

309. “What we don’t know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.”

— Bill Maher

310. “I don’t know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer’s market. I don’t want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama’s new campaign slogan is ‘Are you better off than you were four days ago?’”

— Bill Maher

311. “Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a ‘tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.’”

— Bill Maher

312. “The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.”

— Bill Maher

313. “Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said, ‘Marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what’s ruining this country.’”

— Bill Maher

314. “Clint Eastwood’s speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t exist.”

— Bill Maher

315. “Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.”

— Bill Maher

316. “I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.”

— Bill Maher

317. “The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.”

— Bill Maher

318. “The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren’t sexy anymore.”

— Bill Maher

319. “In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That’s just the way it is. Even George Bush’s father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn’t that bright.”

— Bill Maher

320. “Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show.”

— Bill Maher

321. “You’re not a patriot unless even when you lose, it’s still your country.”

— Bill Maher

322. “I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.”

— Bill Maher

323. “Don’t vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.”

— Bill Maher

324. “Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn’t your job.”

— Bill Maher

325. “Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk.”

— Bill Maher

326. “Government – they used to teach it in college. It’s actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn’t very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.”

— Bill Maher

327. “So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it’s almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.”

— Bill Maher

328. “Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.”

— Bill Maher

329. “Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.”

— Bill Maher

330. “It’s supposed to be a good thing that he’s got this dialogue started. To me, I think, I just took away something bad from it, because, apparently he had to do this not to convince them of anything. To educate them.”

— Bill Maher

331. “New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, “Dude, do not mess with Lysol”?”

— Bill Maher

332. “Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.”

— Bill Maher

333. “We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!”

— Bill Maher

334. “What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can’t vote.”

— Bill Maher

335. “All I did was tell the truth. That’s is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!”

— Bill Maher

336. “I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.”

— Bill Maher

337. “I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.”

— Bill Maher

338. “Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.”

— Bill Maher

339. “I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.”

— Bill Maher

340. “Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Republican.”

— Bill Maher

341. “All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It’s amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.”

— Bill Maher

342. “Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that’s what he is!”

— Bill Maher

343. “This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.”

— Bill Maher

344. “They say that Japan’s rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it ‘fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that’s worse than being dead.’”

— Bill Maher

345. “I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”

— Bill Maher

346. “If nobody is clear on what you’re protesting, it’s not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!”

— Bill Maher

347. “I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.”

— Bill Maher

348. “The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die.”

— Bill Maher

349. “This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.”

— Bill Maher

350. “I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.”

— Bill Maher