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Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2024 Update)
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Bill Maher Quote: “Your fuselage shouldn’t open more easily than your pretzel bag.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said, ‘Marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what’s ruining this country.’”
Bill Maher Quote: “The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren’t sexy anymore.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common – they’re both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.”
Bill Maher Quote: “New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It’s not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That’s just a common fantasy of Republican men.”
Bill Maher Quote: “In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.”
Bill Maher Quote: “If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it’s kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I think we need to change that old saying, “I don’t need a building to fall on me.” Because two did and we still don’t get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Death is nature’s way of killing you.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.”
Bill Maher Quote: “What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can’t vote.”
Bill Maher Quote: “We’re all gonna be gay if we get health care!”
Bill Maher Quote: “All I did was tell the truth. That’s is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!”
Bill Maher Quote: “You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.”
Bill Maher Quote: “The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Clint Eastwood’s speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t exist.”
Bill Maher Quote: “The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Republican.”
Bill Maher Quote: “All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It’s amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that’s what he is!”
Bill Maher Quote: “They say that Japan’s rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it ‘fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that’s worse than being dead.’”
Bill Maher Quote: “Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn’t possess because you don’t possess.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Don’t vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.”
Bill Maher Quote: “This is America. We don’t call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.”
Bill Maher Quote: “It’s supposed to be a good thing that he’s got this dialogue started. To me, I think, I just took away something bad from it, because, apparently he had to do this not to convince them of anything. To educate them.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Fascism is when corporations become the government.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?”
Bill Maher Quote: “Brave Americans in past wars didn’t die for the actual flag – they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.”
Bill Maher Quote: “You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.”
Bill Maher Quote: “This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don’t get sick in Texas.”
Bill Maher Quote: “In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama’s fault. Somehow, he’s weak and he’s ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world.”
Bill Maher Quote: “New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, “Dude, do not mess with Lysol”?”
Bill Maher Quote: “There’s a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can’t because it’s not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it’s not nation-builder.”
Bill Maher Quote: “Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, well, this’ll solve my problem. I can’t be a homosexual in the priesthood; it’ll just go away. Maybe I’ll try it with the Republican Party.”
Bill Maher Quote: “As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don’t want Sarah Palin to be president.”
Bill Maher Quote: “I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?”
Bill Maher Quote: “It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace Prize winner in his.”
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