Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “This is why rational people – anti-religionists – must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves.”

— Bill Maher

202. “If the Hamas people had the opportunity, they would kill the maximum number of Israelis, which would be all. And, Israel has the opportunity to kill way more, and they do not.”

— Bill Maher

203. “During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

— Bill Maher

204. “Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did.”

— Bill Maher

205. “Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: ‘Are you better off than you were four wives ago?’”

— Bill Maher

206. “I hear this all the time: ‘Obama’s policies aren’t working.’ He hasn’t been allowed to put his policies into place.”

— Bill Maher

207. “We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.”

— Bill Maher

208. “Oh, America! I could never leave you! You’re like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!”

— Bill Maher

209. “First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’”

— Bill Maher

210. “I’m not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.”

— Bill Maher

211. “It’s all been satirized for your protection.”

— Bill Maher

212. “I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It’s also been lying about its weight.”

— Bill Maher

213. “A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he’ll have to go back to college.”

— Bill Maher

214. “People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it’s just laughable.”

— Bill Maher

215. “Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders.”

— Bill Maher

216. “Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.”

— Bill Maher

217. “The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.”

— Bill Maher

218. “There is no such thing as a moderate Republican anymore.”

— Bill Maher

219. “I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.”

— Bill Maher

220. “To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can’t be destroyed, then implant one in your uterus and bring it to term. That’s right, put your cervix where your mouth is.”

— Bill Maher

221. “I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.”

— Bill Maher

222. “All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it’s the same sex.”

— Bill Maher

223. “The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.”

— Bill Maher

224. “That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.”

— Bill Maher

225. “There’s no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.”

— Bill Maher

226. “I do admit there are things in the universe I don’t understand. But my response to that is not to make up silly stories... or to believe intellectually embarrassing myths from the Bronze Age, but you believe whatever you want.”

— Bill Maher

227. “I would rather put up with Rush Limbaugh and live in a country where we all do have freedom of speech.”

— Bill Maher

228. “I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream – to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn’t work out, but this is nice, too.”

— Bill Maher

229. “In today’s Republican Party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: ‘Christian.’”

— Bill Maher

230. “Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.”

— Bill Maher

231. “The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.”

— Bill Maher

232. “Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.”

— Bill Maher

233. “Heroin may be bad, but it sure as hell hasn’t hurt my CD collection.”

— Bill Maher

234. “Canadian bacon isn’t bacon. It’s ham.”

— Bill Maher

235. “If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it “proactive intelligence screening” or “high alert detecting”, people would be saying “Well, it’s about time”.”

— Bill Maher

236. “Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you’d best deliver information with entertainment.”

— Bill Maher

237. “America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.”

— Bill Maher

238. “I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.”

— Bill Maher

239. “If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.”

— Bill Maher

240. “Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.”

— Bill Maher

241. “Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?”

— Bill Maher

242. “Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.”

— Bill Maher

243. “Face the fact that there’s only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.”

— Bill Maher

244. “Germs do not have a political party.”

— Bill Maher

245. “We don’t like mystery. You like mystery, ’cause it’s not a mystery to you; you know when you’re gonna get laid.”

— Bill Maher

246. “Gingrich is the “foremost intellectual” in the Republican party like Gene Simmons is the foremost intellectual in “Kiss”.”

— Bill Maher

247. “Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent this country from healing itself where it needs healing, and that is the opposite of Country First.”

— Bill Maher

248. “To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don’t refer to us anymore as ‘infidel crusaders.’ They refer to us as ‘Irish relatives.’”

— Bill Maher

249. “I’m guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there’s crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they’re happy to come home anyway.”

— Bill Maher

250. “Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?”

— Bill Maher