Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “I don’t hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what’s wrong with it.”

— Bill Maher

152. “Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can’t possibly fight back.”

— Bill Maher

153. “I don’t dislike children, I just don’t particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.”

— Bill Maher

154. “Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.”

— Bill Maher

155. “If there is such a thing as karma, let’s hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.”

— Bill Maher

156. “Shouldn’t we be against procreation at this point in time? With overpopulation and the strain on the resources on this planet? Shouldn’t we reward people who don’t spawn?”

— Bill Maher

157. “New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: “We go beyond the headlines.” That’s your job, dummy. You don’t see American Airlines saying, “We land our jets on the runway”!”

— Bill Maher

158. “They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.”

— Bill Maher

159. “Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It’s just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.”

— Bill Maher

160. “I don’t want to be a pessimist. I’m a realist. One man’s realist is another man’s pessimist.”

— Bill Maher

161. “If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.”

— Bill Maher

162. “How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when – if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose?”

— Bill Maher

163. “The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I’m on the corner with doubt.”

— Bill Maher

164. “When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.”

— Bill Maher

165. “The food is out of this world!”

— Bill Maher

166. “This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”

— Bill Maher

167. “I just don’t see why anybody would vote Republican in the Army. If you want to support the troops, if I was a troop, I would say, ‘You know how to support me? Don’t send me to stupid wars.’”

— Bill Maher

168. “A cult is a cult, and that’s what a frat is. A place where they strip you of your personality and rebuild it in their image.”

— Bill Maher

169. “New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.”

— Bill Maher

170. “We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.”

— Bill Maher

171. “To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.”

— Bill Maher

172. “Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy’s sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he’s not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge.”

— Bill Maher

173. “Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what’s that smell?”

— Bill Maher

174. “People are very narcissistic. It’s not all their fault. We live in a society where there is a magazine for you, a channel for you, a perfume for you.”

— Bill Maher

175. “The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.”

— Bill Maher

176. “I mean, maybe one day we will live in a more optimum world where terrorists come in every color of the rainbow. But the truth is, now they don’t. I mean, the people who are trying to get us are young Muslim men, period.”

— Bill Maher

177. “You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.”

— Bill Maher

178. “I think religion is a neurological disorder.”

— Bill Maher

179. “Kids. They’re not easy, but there has to be some penalty for having sex.”

— Bill Maher

180. “The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”

— Bill Maher

181. “It’s so childish, greatest country in the world. It’s like saying, I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you’d kill your wife.”

— Bill Maher

182. “To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who’s your real friend? It’s the person who tells you the truth. That’s who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.”

— Bill Maher

183. “I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.”

— Bill Maher

184. “Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it’s the name of one of Obama’s kids.”

— Bill Maher

185. “If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?”

— Bill Maher

186. “When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.”

— Bill Maher

187. “Space tourism is God’s way of telling you you aren’t spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.”

— Bill Maher

188. “I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you’re always going to have people needing government assistance. You can’t have it both ways.”

— Bill Maher

189. “The truth can be hard to take, but we have an obligation to look and see what’s going on, and, if we don’t like it, a chance to stop going along with it. This important film provides precisely that insight and that opportunity.”

— Bill Maher

190. “Remember, guns don’t kill people – unless you practice real hard.”

— Bill Maher

191. “A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!”

— Bill Maher

192. “North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today.”

— Bill Maher

193. “A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.”

— Bill Maher

194. “Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders.”

— Bill Maher

195. “A flu shot just compromises your immune system.”

— Bill Maher

196. “The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.”

— Bill Maher

197. “To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.”

— Bill Maher

198. “You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.”

— Bill Maher

199. “It’s all been satirized for your protection.”

— Bill Maher

200. “Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you’re going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.”

— Bill Maher