Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

402. “Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush – or as Republicans put it, let’s talk about gay people and abortion!”

— Bill Maher

403. “When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.”

— Bill Maher

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404. “If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.”

— Bill Maher

405. “There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said ‘Clemency denied.’”

— Bill Maher

406. “There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.”

— Bill Maher

407. “Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won’t take anything on faith?”

— Bill Maher

408. “You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.”

— Bill Maher

409. “Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.”

— Bill Maher

410. “I’m okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I’m kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.”

— Bill Maher

411. “What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.”

— Bill Maher

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412. “The country has become much more conservative, partly because it’s been taken over by the religious right.”

— Bill Maher

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413. “I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.”

— Bill Maher

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414. “Nobody sees people as people. It’s all how they relate to my little group.”

— Bill Maher

415. “There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.”

— Bill Maher

416. “Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that’s why we aren’t seeing support for legalization. People don’t think it’s necessary to legalize it, because it’s so easy to get it.”

— Bill Maher

417. “I like groaning. That means that you’re not pandering to their already settled prejudices.”

— Bill Maher

418. “The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they’re so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.”

— Bill Maher

419. “Doubt is the only appropriate response for human beings.”

— Bill Maher

420. “Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.”

— Bill Maher

421. “This is my question for conservatives: don’t you want to live, too?”

— Bill Maher

422. “Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.”

— Bill Maher

423. “That’s ended, that’s over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I’m a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.”

— Bill Maher

424. “I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.”

— Bill Maher

425. “That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’”

— Bill Maher

426. “Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.”

— Bill Maher

427. “You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.”

— Bill Maher

428. “Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.”

— Bill Maher

429. “The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...”

— Bill Maher

430. “New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’”

— Bill Maher

431. “Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, ‘Please, I used to pull the same trick. There’d be an intervention, I’d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.’”

— Bill Maher

432. “Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, ‘What’s a plan?’”

— Bill Maher

433. “The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?”

— Bill Maher

434. “The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’”

— Bill Maher

435. “In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.”

— Bill Maher

436. “Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I’m beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.”

— Bill Maher

437. “I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I’ve only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.”

— Bill Maher

438. “Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.”

— Bill Maher

439. “To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven – that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.”

— Bill Maher

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440. “If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.”

— Bill Maher

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441. “Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— Bill Maher

442. “You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.”

— Bill Maher

443. “BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.”

— Bill Maher

444. “The Eleventh Commandment: don’t speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn’t it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans?”

— Bill Maher

445. “For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.”

— Bill Maher

446. “More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.”

— Bill Maher

447. “When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.”

— Bill Maher

448. “I never thought I’d say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.”

— Bill Maher

449. “Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!”

— Bill Maher

450. “Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.”

— Bill Maher

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