Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)
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401. “Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.”

— Bill Maher

402. “Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that’s why we aren’t seeing support for legalization. People don’t think it’s necessary to legalize it, because it’s so easy to get it.”

— Bill Maher

403. “The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.”

— Bill Maher

404. “If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.”

— Bill Maher

405. “You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.”

— Bill Maher

406. “You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.”

— Bill Maher

407. “I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

408. “In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.”

— Bill Maher

409. “That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’”

— Bill Maher

410. “That’s ended, that’s over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I’m a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.”

— Bill Maher

411. “President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn’t a Nazi, he wouldn’t have any credibility with conservatives at all.”

— Bill Maher

412. “I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.”

— Bill Maher

413. “The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’”

— Bill Maher

414. “You are what you do. It’s about actions.”

— Bill Maher

415. “Nobody sees people as people. It’s all how they relate to my little group.”

— Bill Maher

416. “In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn’t be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.”

— Bill Maher

417. “Doubt is the only appropriate response for human beings.”

— Bill Maher

418. “What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.”

— Bill Maher

419. “The country has become much more conservative, partly because it’s been taken over by the religious right.”

— Bill Maher

420. “Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, ‘Please, I used to pull the same trick. There’d be an intervention, I’d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.’”

— Bill Maher

421. “Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, ‘What’s a plan?’”

— Bill Maher

422. “Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.”

— Bill Maher

423. “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

— Bill Maher

424. “I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don’t really care if any of them gets shot.”

— Bill Maher

425. “The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country’s liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted.”

— Bill Maher

426. “Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.”

— Bill Maher

427. “When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.”

— Bill Maher

428. “Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.”

— Bill Maher

429. “Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.”

— Bill Maher

430. “Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.”

— Bill Maher

431. “Don’t you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you’d better get out there and say you’re a very faith-based person.”

— Bill Maher

432. “During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he’s made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate.”

— Bill Maher

433. “I like groaning. That means that you’re not pandering to their already settled prejudices.”

— Bill Maher

434. “When the tabloids photograph me when I’m out, I always say: “You know what, folks? I’m not married and I’m not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty.””

— Bill Maher

435. “New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’”

— Bill Maher

436. “When we make mistakes they call it evil.”

— Bill Maher

437. “Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there’s also a lot to laugh at, I think it’s a good balance.”

— Bill Maher

438. “Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country.”

— Bill Maher

439. “The Eleventh Commandment: don’t speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn’t it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans?”

— Bill Maher

440. “Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I’m beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.”

— Bill Maher

441. “Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!”

— Bill Maher

442. “One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it’s all fun.”

— Bill Maher

443. “BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.”

— Bill Maher

444. “When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.”

— Bill Maher

445. “To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven – that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.”

— Bill Maher

446. “Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.”

— Bill Maher

447. “You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.”

— Bill Maher

448. “I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.”

— Bill Maher

449. “Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify.”

— Bill Maher

450. “The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that’s what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.”

— Bill Maher