Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said ‘Clemency denied.’”

— Bill Maher

402. “Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.”

— Bill Maher

403. “You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.”

— Bill Maher

404. “You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.”

— Bill Maher

405. “I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

406. “In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.”

— Bill Maher

407. “That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’”

— Bill Maher

408. “That’s ended, that’s over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I’m a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.”

— Bill Maher

409. “President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn’t a Nazi, he wouldn’t have any credibility with conservatives at all.”

— Bill Maher

410. “I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.”

— Bill Maher

411. “The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’”

— Bill Maher

412. “You are what you do. It’s about actions.”

— Bill Maher

413. “Nobody sees people as people. It’s all how they relate to my little group.”

— Bill Maher

414. “I understand we’re on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at ‘Second World’ before we get there?”

— Bill Maher

415. “This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.”

— Bill Maher

416. “In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn’t be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.”

— Bill Maher

417. “Doubt is the only appropriate response for human beings.”

— Bill Maher

418. “What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.”

— Bill Maher

419. “The country has become much more conservative, partly because it’s been taken over by the religious right.”

— Bill Maher

420. “Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, ‘Please, I used to pull the same trick. There’d be an intervention, I’d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.’”

— Bill Maher

421. “Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.”

— Bill Maher

422. “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

— Bill Maher

423. “I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don’t really care if any of them gets shot.”

— Bill Maher

424. “The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country’s liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted.”

— Bill Maher

425. “Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.”

— Bill Maher

426. “For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.”

— Bill Maher

427. “And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.”

— Bill Maher

428. “Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.”

— Bill Maher

429. “Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.”

— Bill Maher

430. “This is my question for conservatives: don’t you want to live, too?”

— Bill Maher

431. “I never thought I’d say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.”

— Bill Maher

432. “Don’t you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you’d better get out there and say you’re a very faith-based person.”

— Bill Maher

433. “During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he’s made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate.”

— Bill Maher

434. “I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.”

— Bill Maher

435. “I like groaning. That means that you’re not pandering to their already settled prejudices.”

— Bill Maher

436. “When the tabloids photograph me when I’m out, I always say: “You know what, folks? I’m not married and I’m not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty.””

— Bill Maher

437. “New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’”

— Bill Maher

438. “If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican.”

— Bill Maher

439. “The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.”

— Bill Maher

440. “When we make mistakes they call it evil.”

— Bill Maher

441. “Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there’s also a lot to laugh at, I think it’s a good balance.”

— Bill Maher

442. “Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country.”

— Bill Maher

443. “The Eleventh Commandment: don’t speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn’t it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans?”

— Bill Maher

444. “Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I’m beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.”

— Bill Maher

445. “Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!”

— Bill Maher

446. “One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it’s all fun.”

— Bill Maher

447. “BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.”

— Bill Maher

448. “When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.”

— Bill Maher

449. “To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven – that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.”

— Bill Maher

450. “Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.”

— Bill Maher