Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I’m sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you.”

— Bill Maher

402. “Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?”

— Bill Maher

403. “Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.”

— Bill Maher

404. “I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don’t really care if any of them gets shot.”

— Bill Maher

405. “Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, ‘Please, I used to pull the same trick. There’d be an intervention, I’d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.’”

— Bill Maher

406. “Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, ‘What’s a plan?’”

— Bill Maher

407. “The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?”

— Bill Maher

408. “African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann’s eyes?”

— Bill Maher

409. “The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’”

— Bill Maher

410. “In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.”

— Bill Maher

411. “Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I’m beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.”

— Bill Maher

412. “I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I’ve only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.”

— Bill Maher

413. “You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.”

— Bill Maher

414. “Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.”

— Bill Maher

415. “I’m okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I’m kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.”

— Bill Maher

416. “What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.”

— Bill Maher

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417. “The country has become much more conservative, partly because it’s been taken over by the religious right.”

— Bill Maher

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418. “I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.”

— Bill Maher

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419. “Nobody sees people as people. It’s all how they relate to my little group.”

— Bill Maher

420. “Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that’s why we aren’t seeing support for legalization. People don’t think it’s necessary to legalize it, because it’s so easy to get it.”

— Bill Maher

421. “The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.”

— Bill Maher

422. “The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they’re so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.”

— Bill Maher

423. “I like groaning. That means that you’re not pandering to their already settled prejudices.”

— Bill Maher

424. “Doubt is the only appropriate response for human beings.”

— Bill Maher

425. “Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.”

— Bill Maher

426. “This is my question for conservatives: don’t you want to live, too?”

— Bill Maher

427. “Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.”

— Bill Maher

428. “That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’”

— Bill Maher

429. “That’s ended, that’s over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I’m a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.”

— Bill Maher

430. “I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.”

— Bill Maher

431. “Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.”

— Bill Maher

432. “You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing.”

— Bill Maher

433. “The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...”

— Bill Maher

434. “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

— Bill Maher

435. “Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.”

— Bill Maher

436. “When the tabloids photograph me when I’m out, I always say: “You know what, folks? I’m not married and I’m not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty.””

— Bill Maher

437. “New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’”

— Bill Maher

438. “I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.”

— Bill Maher

439. “Don’t you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you’d better get out there and say you’re a very faith-based person.”

— Bill Maher

440. “During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he’s made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate.”

— Bill Maher

441. “One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it’s all fun.”

— Bill Maher

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442. “Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead.”

— Bill Maher

443. “Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.”

— Bill Maher

444. “Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there’s also a lot to laugh at, I think it’s a good balance.”

— Bill Maher

445. “Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country.”

— Bill Maher

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446. “And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.”

— Bill Maher

447. “Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify.”

— Bill Maher

448. “The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that’s what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.”

— Bill Maher

449. “There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.”

— Bill Maher

450. “To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven – that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.”

— Bill Maher

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