Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’”

— Bill Maher

2. “There are good people who do good things, there are bad people who do bad things, but to get a good person to do a bad thing takes religion.”

— Bill Maher

3. “If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.”

— Bill Maher

4. “Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.”

— Bill Maher

5. “God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.””

— Bill Maher

6. “Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you.”

— Bill Maher

7. “We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.”

— Bill Maher

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8. “Religion is insanity by consensus.”

— Bill Maher

9. “The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.”

— Bill Maher

10. “To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.”

— Bill Maher

11. “The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.”

— Bill Maher

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12. “Denying racism is the new racism.”

— Bill Maher

13. “Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.”

— Bill Maher

14. “If you think you have it tough, read history books.”

— Bill Maher

15. “I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.”

— Bill Maher

16. “In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.”

— Bill Maher

17. “It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.”

— Bill Maher

18. “Religion is bad, drugs are good.”

— Bill Maher

19. “Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.”

— Bill Maher

20. “Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there’s a few turds in the box.”

— Bill Maher

21. “There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.”

— Bill Maher

22. “Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.”

— Bill Maher

23. “My policy is I am always more than happy to say, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong.”

— Bill Maher

24. “I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.”

— Bill Maher

25. “The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.”

— Bill Maher

26. “Why can’t God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It’s the same reason the comic book character can’t get rid of his nemesis; then there’s no story.”

— Bill Maher

27. “As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.”

— Bill Maher

28. “Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.”

— Bill Maher

29. “Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?”

— Bill Maher

30. “In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!”

— Bill Maher

31. “I don’t think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, “Life is precious.” I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over.”

— Bill Maher

32. “The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.”

— Bill Maher

33. “We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

— Bill Maher

34. “Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.”

— Bill Maher

35. “Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.”

— Bill Maher

36. “Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.”

— Bill Maher

37. “Whatever good religion has done, it has come at a terrible price.”

— Bill Maher

38. “I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.”

— Bill Maher

39. “The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy.”

— Bill Maher

40. “If the bible myth of Jonah in the whale and the Mother Goose myth of Jack and the Beanstalk were switched at birth so that Jack in the Beanstalk were in the bible, do you think any child would notice?”

— Bill Maher

41. “Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There’s no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It’s just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him.”

— Bill Maher

42. “I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”

— Bill Maher

43. “Abstinence is a perversion.”

— Bill Maher

44. “False hope really makes you cynical.”

— Bill Maher

45. “Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?”

— Bill Maher

46. “I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.”

— Bill Maher

47. “I’m a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.”

— Bill Maher

48. “I don’t do heroin myself, but it’s done wonders for my music collection.”

— Bill Maher

49. “There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.”

— Bill Maher

50. “If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.”

— Bill Maher