Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.”

— Bill Maher

352. “What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can’t vote.”

— Bill Maher

353. “You’re not a patriot unless even when you lose, it’s still your country.”

— Bill Maher

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354. “Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show.”

— Bill Maher

355. “The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is.”

— Bill Maher

356. “The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die.”

— Bill Maher

357. “This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.”

— Bill Maher

358. “Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don’t get sick in Texas.”

— Bill Maher

359. “Brave Americans in past wars didn’t die for the actual flag – they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.”

— Bill Maher

360. “Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren’t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls.”

— Bill Maher

361. “Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.”

— Bill Maher

362. “There’s a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can’t because it’s not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it’s not nation-builder.”

— Bill Maher

363. “This is America. We don’t call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.”

— Bill Maher

364. “They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.”

— Bill Maher

365. “Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, well, this’ll solve my problem. I can’t be a homosexual in the priesthood; it’ll just go away. Maybe I’ll try it with the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

366. “In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama’s fault. Somehow, he’s weak and he’s ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world.”

— Bill Maher

367. “I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”

— Bill Maher

368. “New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

— Bill Maher

369. “Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?”

— Bill Maher

370. “Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us... they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you’re not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you’re coughing up freedom!”

— Bill Maher

371. “As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don’t want Sarah Palin to be president.”

— Bill Maher

372. “For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda – patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan.”

— Bill Maher

373. “We don’t do sensible things. This is America.”

— Bill Maher

374. “If nobody is clear on what you’re protesting, it’s not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!”

— Bill Maher

375. “I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.”

— Bill Maher

376. “You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.”

— Bill Maher

377. “If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.”

— Bill Maher

378. “There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said ‘Clemency denied.’”

— Bill Maher

379. “Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won’t take anything on faith?”

— Bill Maher

380. “There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.”

— Bill Maher

381. “I understand we’re on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at ‘Second World’ before we get there?”

— Bill Maher

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382. “Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse’s uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.”

— Bill Maher

383. “Greed can overtake smart.”

— Bill Maher

384. “We’re always on a tightrope. We’re trying to put together people who don’t make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We’re mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.”

— Bill Maher

385. “If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican.”

— Bill Maher

386. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.”

— Bill Maher

387. “You are what you do. It’s about actions.”

— Bill Maher

388. “Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!”

— Bill Maher

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389. “The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other’s asses.”

— Bill Maher

390. “Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.”

— Bill Maher

391. “I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider – and also FOX News makes people stupider.”

— Bill Maher

392. “When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I’m sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you.”

— Bill Maher

393. “Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?”

— Bill Maher

394. “Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.”

— Bill Maher

395. “I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don’t really care if any of them gets shot.”

— Bill Maher

396. “And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?”

— Bill Maher

397. “North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.”

— Bill Maher

398. “Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?”

— Bill Maher

399. “Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush – or as Republicans put it, let’s talk about gay people and abortion!”

— Bill Maher

400. “When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.”

— Bill Maher

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