Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “All I did was tell the truth. That’s is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!”

— Bill Maher

352. “You can’t get saved if you don’t play.”

— Bill Maher

353. “New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

— Bill Maher

354. “If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I’d check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.”

— Bill Maher

355. “Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Republican.”

— Bill Maher

356. “All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It’s amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.”

— Bill Maher

357. “So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it’s almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.”

— Bill Maher

358. “As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don’t want Sarah Palin to be president.”

— Bill Maher

359. “We don’t do sensible things. This is America.”

— Bill Maher

360. “If nobody is clear on what you’re protesting, it’s not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!”

— Bill Maher

361. “I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.”

— Bill Maher

362. “You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.”

— Bill Maher

363. “The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die.”

— Bill Maher

364. “This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.”

— Bill Maher

365. “Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don’t get sick in Texas.”

— Bill Maher

366. “Brave Americans in past wars didn’t die for the actual flag – they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.”

— Bill Maher

367. “Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren’t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls.”

— Bill Maher

368. “Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.”

— Bill Maher

369. “The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country’s liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted.”

— Bill Maher

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370. “There’s a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can’t because it’s not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it’s not nation-builder.”

— Bill Maher

371. “Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

372. “This is America. We don’t call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.”

— Bill Maher

373. “They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.”

— Bill Maher

374. “I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider – and also FOX News makes people stupider.”

— Bill Maher

375. “Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, well, this’ll solve my problem. I can’t be a homosexual in the priesthood; it’ll just go away. Maybe I’ll try it with the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

376. “In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama’s fault. Somehow, he’s weak and he’s ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world.”

— Bill Maher

377. “I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”

— Bill Maher

378. “President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn’t a Nazi, he wouldn’t have any credibility with conservatives at all.”

— Bill Maher

379. “Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?”

— Bill Maher

380. “Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us... they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you’re not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you’re coughing up freedom!”

— Bill Maher

381. “And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?”

— Bill Maher

382. “North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.”

— Bill Maher

383. “Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?”

— Bill Maher

384. “Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush – or as Republicans put it, let’s talk about gay people and abortion!”

— Bill Maher

385. “I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

386. “When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.”

— Bill Maher

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387. “If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.”

— Bill Maher

388. “There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said ‘Clemency denied.’”

— Bill Maher

389. “Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won’t take anything on faith?”

— Bill Maher

390. “There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.”

— Bill Maher

391. “I understand we’re on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at ‘Second World’ before we get there?”

— Bill Maher

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392. “In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn’t be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

393. “Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse’s uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.”

— Bill Maher

394. “Greed can overtake smart.”

— Bill Maher

395. “We’re always on a tightrope. We’re trying to put together people who don’t make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We’re mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.”

— Bill Maher

396. “If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican.”

— Bill Maher

397. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.”

— Bill Maher

398. “You are what you do. It’s about actions.”

— Bill Maher

399. “The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other’s asses.”

— Bill Maher

400. “Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.”

— Bill Maher