Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.”

— Bill Maher

352. “This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car.”

— Bill Maher

353. “In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That’s just the way it is. Even George Bush’s father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn’t that bright.”

— Bill Maher

354. “I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”

— Bill Maher

355. “You’re not a patriot unless even when you lose, it’s still your country.”

— Bill Maher

356. “If nobody is clear on what you’re protesting, it’s not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!”

— Bill Maher

357. “I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.”

— Bill Maher

358. “The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die.”

— Bill Maher

359. “We don’t do sensible things. This is America.”

— Bill Maher

360. “I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.”

— Bill Maher

361. “In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.”

— Bill Maher

362. “Government – they used to teach it in college. It’s actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn’t very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.”

— Bill Maher

363. “They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.”

— Bill Maher

364. “So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it’s almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.”

— Bill Maher

365. “Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us... they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you’re not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you’re coughing up freedom!”

— Bill Maher

366. “Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren’t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls.”

— Bill Maher

367. “Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!”

— Bill Maher

368. “The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other’s asses.”

— Bill Maher

369. “Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse’s uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.”

— Bill Maher

370. “When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I’m sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you.”

— Bill Maher

371. “North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.”

— Bill Maher

372. “The country can’t get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.”

— Bill Maher

373. “Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won’t take anything on faith?”

— Bill Maher

374. “You can’t get saved if you don’t play.”

— Bill Maher

375. “There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.”

— Bill Maher

376. “And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?”

— Bill Maher

377. “We’re always on a tightrope. We’re trying to put together people who don’t make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We’re mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.”

— Bill Maher

378. “Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush – or as Republicans put it, let’s talk about gay people and abortion!”

— Bill Maher

379. “Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?”

— Bill Maher

380. “Greed can overtake smart.”

— Bill Maher

381. “New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

— Bill Maher

382. “Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn’t your job.”

— Bill Maher

383. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.”

— Bill Maher

384. “For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda – patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan.”

— Bill Maher

385. “New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.”

— Bill Maher

386. “I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider – and also FOX News makes people stupider.”

— Bill Maher

387. “The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is.”

— Bill Maher

388. “Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.”

— Bill Maher

389. “When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.”

— Bill Maher

390. “If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I’d check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.”

— Bill Maher

391. “Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.”

— Bill Maher

392. “Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.”

— Bill Maher

393. “Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.”

— Bill Maher

394. “The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?”

— Bill Maher

395. “Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?”

— Bill Maher

396. “African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann’s eyes?”

— Bill Maher

397. “I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I’ve only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.”

— Bill Maher

398. “I’m okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I’m kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.”

— Bill Maher

399. “Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that’s why we aren’t seeing support for legalization. People don’t think it’s necessary to legalize it, because it’s so easy to get it.”

— Bill Maher

400. “If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.”

— Bill Maher