Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it’s almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.”

— Bill Maher

352. “I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.”

— Bill Maher

353. “For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda – patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan.”

— Bill Maher

354. “What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can’t vote.”

— Bill Maher

355. “Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show.”

— Bill Maher

356. “You’re not a patriot unless even when you lose, it’s still your country.”

— Bill Maher

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357. “Fascism is when corporations become the government.”

— Bill Maher

358. “I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.”

— Bill Maher

359. “The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die.”

— Bill Maher

360. “This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.”

— Bill Maher

361. “Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don’t get sick in Texas.”

— Bill Maher

362. “Brave Americans in past wars didn’t die for the actual flag – they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.”

— Bill Maher

363. “Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.”

— Bill Maher

364. “The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country’s liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted.”

— Bill Maher

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365. “There’s a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can’t because it’s not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it’s not nation-builder.”

— Bill Maher

366. “Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!”

— Bill Maher

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367. “This is America. We don’t call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.”

— Bill Maher

368. “They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.”

— Bill Maher

369. “I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider – and also FOX News makes people stupider.”

— Bill Maher

370. “Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, well, this’ll solve my problem. I can’t be a homosexual in the priesthood; it’ll just go away. Maybe I’ll try it with the Republican Party.”

— Bill Maher

371. “In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama’s fault. Somehow, he’s weak and he’s ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world.”

— Bill Maher

372. “President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn’t a Nazi, he wouldn’t have any credibility with conservatives at all.”

— Bill Maher

373. “I don’t respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.”

— Bill Maher

374. “Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?”

— Bill Maher

375. “Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us... they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you’re not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you’re coughing up freedom!”

— Bill Maher

376. “As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don’t want Sarah Palin to be president.”

— Bill Maher

377. “We don’t do sensible things. This is America.”

— Bill Maher

378. “If nobody is clear on what you’re protesting, it’s not a protest. Thousands of people gathered in London this week to voice their disapproval of the G-20. Their basic message being, Stop all your globalizing and unite the world!”

— Bill Maher

379. “I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it.”

— Bill Maher

380. “You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.”

— Bill Maher

381. “I understand we’re on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at ‘Second World’ before we get there?”

— Bill Maher

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382. “In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn’t be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.”

— Bill Maher

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383. “Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse’s uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.”

— Bill Maher

384. “Greed can overtake smart.”

— Bill Maher

385. “We’re always on a tightrope. We’re trying to put together people who don’t make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We’re mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.”

— Bill Maher

386. “If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican.”

— Bill Maher

387. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.”

— Bill Maher

388. “You are what you do. It’s about actions.”

— Bill Maher

389. “The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other’s asses.”

— Bill Maher

390. “The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.”

— Bill Maher

391. “Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.”

— Bill Maher

392. “When consumers know things, they tend to make informed choices, and that could affect corporate profits. I’m sorry, but your right to know is always going to be outweighed by their right to hide it from you.”

— Bill Maher

393. “Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?”

— Bill Maher

394. “I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don’t really care if any of them gets shot.”

— Bill Maher

395. “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

— Bill Maher

396. “Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.”

— Bill Maher

397. “And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?”

— Bill Maher

398. “Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?”

— Bill Maher

399. “African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann’s eyes?”

— Bill Maher

400. “North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.”

— Bill Maher