Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn’t turn out that way!”

— Bill Maher

252. “This week Sarah Palin’s memoir became a bestseller. It’s not even out yet. It’s being translated into English.”

— Bill Maher

253. “Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?”

— Bill Maher

254. “Meat is dirty. I wouldn’t touch a hot dog without a condom on it.”

— Bill Maher

255. “In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.”

— Bill Maher

256. “If you’re living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you’re not being kept down by the rich. You’re being kept down by you.”

— Bill Maher

257. “Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.”

— Bill Maher

258. “New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.”

— Bill Maher

259. “One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.”

— Bill Maher

260. “The New York Times – but the whole country gives it that weight. It’s like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.”

— Bill Maher

261. “Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless.”

— Bill Maher

262. “Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.”

— Bill Maher

263. “Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, ‘The Elephant in the Room.’ And People magazine named him ‘Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.’”

— Bill Maher

264. “We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That’s cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it’s not cowardly.”

— Bill Maher

265. “People are either good or they’re not. Religion doesn’t make anybody good, I don’t think.”

— Bill Maher

266. “The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I’ve said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.”

— Bill Maher

267. “Many people can’t deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone. This is also why we love TV shows and movies that neatly wrap up everything in exactly an hour or two.”

— Bill Maher

268. “Don’t say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.”

— Bill Maher

269. “Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.”

— Bill Maher

270. “George Bush says, ‘Gore’s book needs a lot of explaining.’ Of course, Bush says that about every book.”

— Bill Maher

271. “Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.”

— Bill Maher

272. “Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the ‘will of the people’ goes out the window.”

— Bill Maher

273. “Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.”

— Bill Maher

274. “Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.”

— Bill Maher

275. “I’m staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.”

— Bill Maher

276. “Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.”

— Bill Maher

277. “In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.”

— Bill Maher

278. “This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison; this is America, if you’re a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun!”

— Bill Maher

279. “The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating – his approval rating – with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.”

— Bill Maher

280. “It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What’s ridiculous is that other people let him.”

— Bill Maher

281. “At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.”

— Bill Maher

282. “I can’t stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can’t. It’s a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn’t.”

— Bill Maher

283. “President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it’s like to be a mummy.”

— Bill Maher

284. “My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.”

— Bill Maher

285. “Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.”

— Bill Maher

286. “It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.”

— Bill Maher

287. “You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can’t do in a lot of other countries.”

— Bill Maher

288. “When you hear a lobby called Partnership for a Drug-Free America, just remember – they do not want a drug free America. They want an America free of drugs that are their competitors.”

— Bill Maher

289. “I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!”

— Bill Maher

290. “There’s more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it’s a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say under new management than it is to change the whole building.”

— Bill Maher

291. “When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.”

— Bill Maher

292. “How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, ‘I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.’”

— Bill Maher

293. “The Drug War is an addiction, really.”

— Bill Maher

294. “Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it’s probably because there was some truth in it.”

— Bill Maher

295. “We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.”

— Bill Maher

296. “The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.”

— Bill Maher

297. “What we don’t know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.”

— Bill Maher

298. “Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.”

— Bill Maher

299. “I don’t know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer’s market. I don’t want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama’s new campaign slogan is ‘Are you better off than you were four days ago?’”

— Bill Maher

300. “Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a ‘tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.’”

— Bill Maher