Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.”

— Bill Maher

252. “Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.”

— Bill Maher

253. “Face the fact that there’s only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.”

— Bill Maher

254. “Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.”

— Bill Maher

255. “Gingrich is the “foremost intellectual” in the Republican party like Gene Simmons is the foremost intellectual in “Kiss”.”

— Bill Maher

256. “Germs do not have a political party.”

— Bill Maher

257. “White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn’t turn out that way!”

— Bill Maher

258. “The New York Times – but the whole country gives it that weight. It’s like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.”

— Bill Maher

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259. “Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.”

— Bill Maher

260. “Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?”

— Bill Maher

261. “In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.”

— Bill Maher

262. “If you’re living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you’re not being kept down by the rich. You’re being kept down by you.”

— Bill Maher

263. “Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?”

— Bill Maher

264. “New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.”

— Bill Maher

265. “Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, ‘The Elephant in the Room.’ And People magazine named him ‘Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.’”

— Bill Maher

266. “Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?”

— Bill Maher

267. “This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison; this is America, if you’re a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun!”

— Bill Maher

268. “I’m staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.”

— Bill Maher

269. “People are either good or they’re not. Religion doesn’t make anybody good, I don’t think.”

— Bill Maher

270. “This week Sarah Palin’s memoir became a bestseller. It’s not even out yet. It’s being translated into English.”

— Bill Maher

271. “Don’t say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.”

— Bill Maher

272. “Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.”

— Bill Maher

273. “I’m guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there’s crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they’re happy to come home anyway.”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Fun Quotes, Country Quotes

274. “My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.”

— Bill Maher

275. “Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.”

— Bill Maher

276. “George Bush says, ‘Gore’s book needs a lot of explaining.’ Of course, Bush says that about every book.”

— Bill Maher

277. “In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.”

— Bill Maher

278. “Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.”

— Bill Maher

279. “The Drug War is an addiction, really.”

— Bill Maher

280. “How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, ‘I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.’”

— Bill Maher

281. “In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.”

— Bill Maher

282. “Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.”

— Bill Maher

283. “Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.”

— Bill Maher

284. “Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless.”

— Bill Maher

285. “It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.”

— Bill Maher

286. “Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the ‘will of the people’ goes out the window.”

— Bill Maher

287. “Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common – they’re both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.”

— Bill Maher

288. “You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can’t do in a lot of other countries.”

— Bill Maher

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289. “Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.”

— Bill Maher

290. “Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy.”

— Bill Maher

291. “I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!”

— Bill Maher

292. “When you hear a lobby called Partnership for a Drug-Free America, just remember – they do not want a drug free America. They want an America free of drugs that are their competitors.”

— Bill Maher

293. “Many people can’t deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone. This is also why we love TV shows and movies that neatly wrap up everything in exactly an hour or two.”

— Bill Maher

294. “The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I’ve said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.”

— Bill Maher

Featured in: Country Quotes

295. “The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating – his approval rating – with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.”

— Bill Maher

296. “It is not a surprise that a person would want to be a prophet. What’s ridiculous is that other people let him.”

— Bill Maher

297. “Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.”

— Bill Maher

298. “Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it’s probably because there was some truth in it.”

— Bill Maher

299. “When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.”

— Bill Maher

300. “You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts.”

— Bill Maher