Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I couldn’t run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?”

— Bill Maher

52. “If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?”

— Bill Maher

53. “Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts.”

— Bill Maher

54. “Stupidity is not another form of knowledge.”

— Bill Maher

55. “I don’t respect religon. I don’t respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.”

— Bill Maher

56. “People say I’m into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I’m just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.”

— Bill Maher

57. “The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You’re learning how to do, and you’re going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren’t laughing and you’re broke. That’s a really hard time in your life.”

— Bill Maher

58. “I think girls hate each other, no doesn’t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women’s sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.”

— Bill Maher

59. “I’m not a joiner. I don’t like organizations.”

— Bill Maher

60. “Gordon Gekko was right: greed is good. Because, the potty-trained Republicans have now stepped forward – like the Koch brothers – to say, ‘You know what? You yokels stop talking about defaulting on the debt, because I’m going to lose a fortune!’”

— Bill Maher

61. “I don’t do heroin myself, but it’s done wonders for my music collection.”

— Bill Maher

62. “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

— Bill Maher

63. “Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction- and that’s what global warming is- in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits for me the definition of treason.”

— Bill Maher

64. “Love does not conquer all.”

— Bill Maher

65. “Because of the Republicans, I’m not ashamed of being an American. I’m embarrassed!”

— Bill Maher

66. “If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You’re not a Christian.”

— Bill Maher

67. “You know, if you’re an American and you’re born at this time in history especially, you’re lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.”

— Bill Maher

68. “Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.”

— Bill Maher

69. “If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, youd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler – a mafia wife.”

— Bill Maher

70. “If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.”

— Bill Maher

71. “When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.”

— Bill Maher

72. “You can’t claim you’re for peace if you’re not willing to disturb it.”

— Bill Maher

73. “Disneyland’s a mess. And it’s not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.”

— Bill Maher

74. “New rule: Tulips aren’t flowers. They’re some kind of gay onion.”

— Bill Maher

75. “I don’t want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don’t want to create the church of the non-believers where I’m the preacher and we’re all gathering together and reciting things.”

— Bill Maher

76. “Good presidents, people like George Bush, they SEND people to war. They don’t bring them a rescue. This is America. We rescue insurance companies and banks.”

— Bill Maher

77. “The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.”

— Bill Maher

78. “Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It’s nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do.”

— Bill Maher

79. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”

— Bill Maher

80. “No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one.”

— Bill Maher

81. “I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark – and then the storm hit.”

— Bill Maher

82. “I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that ‘the earth’s crust was emboldened by Obama’s weakness.’”

— Bill Maher

83. “You can’t lie to kids about drugs. They know about drugs. You can’t say they’re just all bad. They know life is a little more complicated. I have never done heroin. I would never recommend heroin, but it hasn’t hurt my record collection.”

— Bill Maher

84. “Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can’t help doing so; we can’t help but walk toward the one thing we’re most trying to avoid.”

— Bill Maher

85. “I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?”

— Bill Maher

86. “I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.”

— Bill Maher

87. “Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, ‘White people’s problems.’”

— Bill Maher

88. “Life is about making tough choices. Sometimes you have to go where your career is going.”

— Bill Maher

89. “Men are only as loyal as their options.”

— Bill Maher

90. “The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’”

— Bill Maher

91. “It’s a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who’s got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does.”

— Bill Maher

92. “What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.”

— Bill Maher

93. “Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic.”

— Bill Maher

94. “Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don’t want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her.”

— Bill Maher

95. “Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman.”

— Bill Maher

96. “Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo – those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.”

— Bill Maher

97. “If conservatives don’t want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.”

— Bill Maher

98. “Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose.”

— Bill Maher

99. “Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.”

— Bill Maher

100. “What is “martinizing” and why does it only take one hour?”

— Bill Maher