Top 450 Bill Maher Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.”

— Bill Maher

102. “In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.”

— Bill Maher

103. “What is “martinizing” and why does it only take one hour?”

— Bill Maher

104. “Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.”

— Bill Maher

105. “Did you hear this – Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade Tsunami. I mean she said, These Tsunamians will not get away with this. Oh speaking of dumb twats, did you...”

— Bill Maher

106. “Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.”

— Bill Maher

107. “I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?”

— Bill Maher

108. “I love trains. It’s the only way to travel anymore where it doesn’t involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.”

— Bill Maher

109. “Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political – which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.”

— Bill Maher

110. “The people who got everything wrong are back on TV talking about the place they got all wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It’s like Satan’s VIP list for Hell.”

— Bill Maher

111. “I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.”

— Bill Maher

112. “There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.”

— Bill Maher

113. “Hi, I’m Bill. I’m a birth survivor.”

— Bill Maher

114. “Your fuselage shouldn’t open more easily than your pretzel bag.”

— Bill Maher

115. “My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp!”

— Bill Maher

116. “The difference, I think, that matters is which of the religions are dangerous. They’re all crazy, but which ones have the potential to turn that into death. In that area, I think we have to worry the most about the Muslims and the Christians.”

— Bill Maher

117. “You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.”

— Bill Maher

118. “Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school.”

— Bill Maher

119. “God makes trees, he doesn’t write books.”

— Bill Maher

120. “The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won’t say it.”

— Bill Maher

121. “Don’t you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?”

— Bill Maher

122. “Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?”

— Bill Maher

123. “We’ve been brainwashed into believing that it’s a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn’t mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart.”

— Bill Maher

124. “People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it’s hard at the beginning.”

— Bill Maher

125. “I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.”

— Bill Maher

126. “Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she’s demanding that we invade ‘Tsunami.’”

— Bill Maher

127. “In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.”

— Bill Maher

128. “If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.”

— Bill Maher

129. “A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she’s slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.”

— Bill Maher

130. “It’s that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it’s depressing, but just remember, you’re paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.”

— Bill Maher

131. “The “Power of One” is a slogan – not a goal.”

— Bill Maher

132. “Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.”

— Bill Maher

133. “Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.””

— Bill Maher

134. “I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.”

— Bill Maher

135. “I’m not defending what Cory Booker said. I’m saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people on Wall Street, because there’s no other way to keep his city afloat.”

— Bill Maher

136. “A lot of good has come from drugs. I think ‘Penny Lane’ is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn’t even be born if it weren’t for that album, so it evens out.”

— Bill Maher

137. “Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there’s ten times the likelihood that you’ll get Alzheimer’s disease.”

— Bill Maher

138. “Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, ‘If someone was talking into their hair dryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hair dryer, it’s just praying.’”

— Bill Maher

139. “I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10.”

— Bill Maher

140. “I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?”

— Bill Maher

141. “Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It’s a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on a world it can never enjoy. But it does technically live longer.”

— Bill Maher

142. “If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.”

— Bill Maher

143. “New rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.”

— Bill Maher

144. “A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid.”

— Bill Maher

145. “I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.”

— Bill Maher

146. “The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.”

— Bill Maher

147. “If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’”

— Bill Maher

148. “Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.”

— Bill Maher

149. “In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn’t there be a greater outcry among liberals?”

— Bill Maher

150. “This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith – ‘I’m gonna put a boot in their ass.’ If you don’t do that, somehow you can’t be strong.”

— Bill Maher