Top 100

Top 100 Billy Connolly Quotes (2023 Update)

Billy Connolly Quote: “There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Don’t die until you’re dead.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Don’t vote, it only encourages them.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “If you give people a chance, they shine.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Never trust anybody with only one book.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Politically correct is the language of cowardice.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It’s over!”
Billy Connolly Quote: “It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?”
Billy Connolly Quote: “When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I love fishing. It’s transcendental meditation with a punchline.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “The more you know the less the better.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “A woman’s mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!”
Billy Connolly Quote: “A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!””
Billy Connolly Quote: “It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “People often say that football and boxing are the ways out of the working class and they are your ticket out of that kind of life, if you happen to want to leave it. But, for me, the library is the key. That is where the escape tunnel is. All of the knowledge in the world is there. The great brains of the world are at your fingertips.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don’t sit in the dark hiding. It’s easy to hide and shout and waste people’s time.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.”
Billy Connolly Quote: “Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.”
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