Top 100 Billy Connolly Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.”

— Billy Connolly

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Being Happy Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

2. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

3. “Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!”

— Billy Connolly

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Demotivational Quotes

4. “Don’t die until you’re dead.”

— Billy Connolly

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

5. “I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.”

— Billy Connolly

6. “If you give people a chance, they shine.”

— Billy Connolly

7. “Don’t vote, it only encourages them.”

— Billy Connolly

8. “Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.”

— Billy Connolly

Featured in: Fun Quotes

9. “The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.”

— Billy Connolly

10. “There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”

— Billy Connolly

11. “Never trust anybody with only one book.”

— Billy Connolly

12. “I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.”

— Billy Connolly

13. “Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It’s over!”

— Billy Connolly

14. “Politically correct is the language of cowardice.”

— Billy Connolly

15. “If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.”

— Billy Connolly

16. “Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?”

— Billy Connolly

17. “Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”

— Billy Connolly

18. “It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.”

— Billy Connolly

19. “A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.”

— Billy Connolly

20. “When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”

— Billy Connolly

21. “Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?”

— Billy Connolly

22. “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

— Billy Connolly

23. “If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.”

— Billy Connolly

24. “I love fishing. It’s transcendental meditation with a punchline.”

— Billy Connolly

25. “The more you know the less the better.”

— Billy Connolly

26. “A woman’s mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!”

— Billy Connolly

27. “A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.”

— Billy Connolly

28. “Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.”

— Billy Connolly

29. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

— Billy Connolly

30. “I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.”

— Billy Connolly

31. “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”

— Billy Connolly

32. “Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.”

— Billy Connolly

33. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

— Billy Connolly

34. “I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.”

— Billy Connolly

35. “People often say that football and boxing are the ways out of the working class and they are your ticket out of that kind of life, if you happen to want to leave it. But, for me, the library is the key. That is where the escape tunnel is. All of the knowledge in the world is there. The great brains of the world are at your fingertips.”

— Billy Connolly

36. “I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly.”

— Billy Connolly

37. “Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.”

— Billy Connolly

38. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

— Billy Connolly

39. “Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.”

— Billy Connolly

40. “When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.”

— Billy Connolly

41. “Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.”

— Billy Connolly

42. “A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!””

— Billy Connolly

43. “I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”

— Billy Connolly

44. “In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.”

— Billy Connolly

45. “It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.”

— Billy Connolly

46. “If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.”

— Billy Connolly

47. “Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don’t sit in the dark hiding. It’s easy to hide and shout and waste people’s time.”

— Billy Connolly

48. “Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.”

— Billy Connolly

49. “I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.”

— Billy Connolly

50. “I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.”

— Billy Connolly