Top 30 Funny Senior Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

2. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes, Monday Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

3. “Sweat is just fat crying.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Motivational Workout Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Motivational Bodybuilding Quotes

4. “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

— George Burns

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

5. “I need a six month vacation twice a year.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Vacation Quotes

6. “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

7. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes

8. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

9. “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

10. “I have an ego the size of a small planet.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Ego Quotes

11. “If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.”

— Joe Rogan

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Perspective Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

12. “They don’t think it is like it is, but it is.”

— Oscar Gamble

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sports Quotes

13. “Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.”

— Tina Fey

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Hate Quotes

14. “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”

— Ann Landers

Also featured in: Experience Quotes, Different Quotes, Humor Quotes

15. “If I’m not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.”

— Jim Carrey

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Famous Movie Quotes

16. “Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Different Quotes, Humor Quotes

17. “Creativity is great-but not in accounting.”

— Charles Scott

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

18. “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

— Andy Rooney

Also featured in: Experience Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

19. “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

20. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

21. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

22. “You can’t fix stupid.”

— Ron White

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

23. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

24. “If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.”

— Frank Zappa

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Book Quotes, Reading Quotes

25. “Free your mind and your ass will follow.”

— George Clinton

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

26. “Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me – no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Volunteer Quotes

27. “People ask me if I could fly, I said, ‘yes... for a little while.’”

— Michael Jordan

Also featured in: Basketball Quotes

28. “I’m growing older, but not up.”

— Jimmy Buffett

Also featured in: Silly Quotes

29. “I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.”

— Steve Martin

Also featured in: Cute Quotes, New Beginnings Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Firsts Quotes

30. “Life is what you make it: If you snooze, you lose; and if you snore, you lose more.”

— Phyllis George

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Silly Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

31. “A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.”

— Linda Poindexter

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Parenting Quotes, Father's Day Quotes

32. “Be who you are, because if you aren’t who you are, you are who you aren’t.”

— Brennan Manning