Top 200 Bob Hope Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

Featured in: Quotes About Money, Hilarious Quotes, Witty Quotes

2. “My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?”

— Bob Hope

Featured in: Quotes About Thinking, Christmas Quotes

3. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

4. “You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.”

— Bob Hope

5. “Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!”

— Bob Hope

6. “I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.”

— Bob Hope

7. “With today’s movies, if we took out all the bad language, we’d go back to silent films.”

— Bob Hope

8. “Your ignorance cramps my conversation.”

— Bob Hope

9. “Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it’s known at my house, Passover.”

— Bob Hope

10. “She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.”

— Bob Hope

11. “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.”

— Bob Hope

12. “If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.”

— Bob Hope

13. “Free speech isn’t dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers...”

— Bob Hope

14. “Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”

— Bob Hope

15. “I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.”

— Bob Hope

16. “Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.”

— Bob Hope

17. “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”

— Bob Hope

18. “I don’t know what people have against government; they haven’t done anything.”

— Bob Hope

19. “I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.”

— Bob Hope

20. “Don’t people know that they don’t have to heckle the president of the United States? That’s what Congress is for.”

— Bob Hope

21. “Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at.”

— Bob Hope

22. “If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.”

— Bob Hope

23. “It’s amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn’t sell theirs threw them away.”

— Bob Hope

24. “I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

— Bob Hope

25. “Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?”

— Bob Hope

26. “Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.”

— Bob Hope

27. “When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.”

— Bob Hope

28. “Please don’t stand up on my account.”

— Bob Hope

29. “Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.”

— Bob Hope

30. “Bing Crosby and I weren’t the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Bing, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.” And that’s the way we go through life – doing nothing for each other!”

— Bob Hope

31. “We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.”

— Bob Hope

32. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.”

— Bob Hope

33. “My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.”

— Bob Hope

34. “If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.”

— Bob Hope

35. “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

— Bob Hope

36. “I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?”

— Bob Hope

37. “Where else but in America could the women’s liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?”

— Bob Hope

38. “My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.”

— Bob Hope

39. “Everyone’s nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that’s just to protect his buns.”

— Bob Hope

40. “Television. That’s where movies go when they die.”

— Bob Hope

41. “I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.”

— Bob Hope

42. “Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.”

— Bob Hope

43. “I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.”

— Bob Hope

44. “I tell jokes to pay my green fees.”

— Bob Hope

45. “When you get over 95, every day is your day.”

— Bob Hope

46. “We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.”

— Bob Hope

47. “I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.”

— Bob Hope

48. “Television is the box they buried entertainment in.”

— Bob Hope

49. “Golf is a funny game. It’s done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I’m the healthiest idiot in the world.”

— Bob Hope

50. “The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.”

— Bob Hope