Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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451. “How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.”

— David Letterman

452. “Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy – but now I know this guy is presidential material.”

— David Letterman

453. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

454. “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

— David Letterman

455. “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.”

— David Letterman

456. “A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.”

— David Letterman

457. “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

— David Letterman

458. “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

— David Letterman

459. “Barack Obama’s busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.”

— David Letterman

460. “President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they’re gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.”

— David Letterman

461. “A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn’t that golf?”

— David Letterman

462. “I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.”

— David Letterman

463. “President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.”

— David Letterman

464. “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

— David Letterman

465. “Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.’”

— David Letterman

466. “Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056.”

— David Letterman

467. “Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I’m wondering what she did before.”

— David Letterman

468. “Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.”

— David Letterman

469. “Here’s a little known fact – Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.”

— David Letterman

470. “They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.”

— David Letterman

471. “Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!”

— David Letterman

472. “New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.”

— David Letterman

473. “John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.”

— David Letterman

474. “Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ‘Win one for the groper.’”

— David Letterman

475. “The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.”

— David Letterman

476. “Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?”

— David Letterman

477. “Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.”

— David Letterman

478. “President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO’s of BMW and Volkswagen.”

— David Letterman

479. “During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!”

— David Letterman

480. “Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush.”

— David Letterman

481. “President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.”

— David Letterman

482. “Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.”

— David Letterman

483. “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

— David Letterman

484. “This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.”

— David Letterman

485. “Tourists – have some fun with New york’s hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, “Pay? I was hitchhiking.””

— David Letterman

486. “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

— David Letterman

487. “Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

488. “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.”

— David Letterman

489. “Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.”

— David Letterman

490. “When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, ‘That show doesn’t have a chance.’ The other half said, ‘That show doesn’t have a prayer.’”

— David Letterman

491. “Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.”

— David Letterman

492. “Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he’s charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.”

— David Letterman

493. “Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.”

— David Letterman

494. “Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.”

— David Letterman

495. “Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like ‘Caddyshack’ movies. They should have stopped with one.”

— David Letterman

496. “President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.”

— David Letterman

497. “How many people saw Arnold’s speech last night? I haven’t seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.”

— David Letterman

498. “Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I’m thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.”

— David Letterman

499. “Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that’s just the folks here in the audience.”

— David Letterman

500. “I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.”

— David Letterman