Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy – but now I know this guy is presidential material.”

— David Letterman

452. “Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.”

— David Letterman

453. “Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don’t want too many amateurs on in one night.”

— David Letterman

454. “Quiet down, we don’t want to wake the Russians.”

— David Letterman

455. “Sarah Palin’s book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.”

— David Letterman

456. “I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.”

— David Letterman

457. “Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.”

— David Letterman

458. “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

— David Letterman

459. “John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.”

— David Letterman

460. “Here’s a little known fact – Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.”

— David Letterman

461. “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

— David Letterman

462. “They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.”

— David Letterman

463. “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

— David Letterman

464. “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.”

— David Letterman

465. “This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.”

— David Letterman

466. “Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!”

— David Letterman

467. “John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for.”

— David Letterman

468. “The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.”

— David Letterman

469. “President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO’s of BMW and Volkswagen.”

— David Letterman

470. “During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!”

— David Letterman

471. “Tourists – have some fun with New york’s hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, “Pay? I was hitchhiking.””

— David Letterman

472. “Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ‘Win one for the groper.’”

— David Letterman

473. “Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.”

— David Letterman

474. “Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.”

— David Letterman

475. “They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.”

— David Letterman

476. “Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush.”

— David Letterman

477. “President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.”

— David Letterman

478. “President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.”

— David Letterman

479. “Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.’”

— David Letterman

480. “Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056.”

— David Letterman

481. “Barack Obama’s busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.”

— David Letterman

482. “President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they’re gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.”

— David Letterman

483. “A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn’t that golf?”

— David Letterman

484. “Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

485. “The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.”

— David Letterman

486. “Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?”

— David Letterman

487. “New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.”

— David Letterman

488. “Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.”

— David Letterman

489. “Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I’m wondering what she did before.”

— David Letterman

490. “I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.”

— David Letterman

491. “Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.”

— David Letterman

492. “When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, ‘That show doesn’t have a chance.’ The other half said, ‘That show doesn’t have a prayer.’”

— David Letterman

493. “How many people saw Arnold’s speech last night? I haven’t seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.”

— David Letterman

494. “Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I’m thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.”

— David Letterman

495. “Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that’s just the folks here in the audience.”

— David Letterman

496. “Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.”

— David Letterman

497. “Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.”

— David Letterman

498. “I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.”

— David Letterman

499. “The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.”

— David Letterman

500. “Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he’s charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.”

— David Letterman