Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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451. “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

— David Letterman

452. “Wherever we’ve travelled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water.”

— David Letterman

453. “I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.”

— David Letterman

454. “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

— David Letterman

455. “They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.”

— David Letterman

456. “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

— David Letterman

457. “You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.”

— David Letterman

458. “Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.”

— David Letterman

459. “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

— David Letterman

460. “John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for.”

— David Letterman

461. “President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.”

— David Letterman

462. “Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.”

— David Letterman

463. “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

— David Letterman

464. “This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.”

— David Letterman

465. “Tourists – have some fun with New york’s hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, “Pay? I was hitchhiking.””

— David Letterman

466. “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

— David Letterman

467. “Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

468. “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.”

— David Letterman

469. “Barack Obama’s busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.”

— David Letterman

470. “President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they’re gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.”

— David Letterman

471. “A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn’t that golf?”

— David Letterman

472. “I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.”

— David Letterman

473. “President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.”

— David Letterman

474. “Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.’”

— David Letterman

475. “Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056.”

— David Letterman

476. “Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I’m wondering what she did before.”

— David Letterman

477. “Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.”

— David Letterman

478. “Here’s a little known fact – Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.”

— David Letterman

479. “They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.”

— David Letterman

480. “Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!”

— David Letterman

481. “New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.”

— David Letterman

482. “John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.”

— David Letterman

483. “Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ‘Win one for the groper.’”

— David Letterman

484. “The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.”

— David Letterman

485. “Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?”

— David Letterman

486. “Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.”

— David Letterman

487. “President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO’s of BMW and Volkswagen.”

— David Letterman

488. “During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!”

— David Letterman

489. “Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush.”

— David Letterman

490. “Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.”

— David Letterman

491. “The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.”

— David Letterman

492. “Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, ‘Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.’”

— David Letterman

493. “Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.’”

— David Letterman

494. “I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from it’s that you can’t trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress – Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I’m telling you the list goes on.”

— David Letterman

495. “The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.”

— David Letterman

496. “Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.”

— David Letterman

497. “When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, ‘That show doesn’t have a chance.’ The other half said, ‘That show doesn’t have a prayer.’”

— David Letterman

498. “Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.”

— David Letterman

499. “Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he’s charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.”

— David Letterman

500. “There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn’t been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.”

— David Letterman