Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.”

— David Letterman

452. “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

— David Letterman

453. “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.”

— David Letterman

454. “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

— David Letterman

455. “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

— David Letterman

456. “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

— David Letterman

457. “I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.”

— David Letterman

458. “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

— David Letterman

459. “Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying – because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.”

— David Letterman

460. “You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.”

— David Letterman

461. “You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.”

— David Letterman

462. “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

— David Letterman

463. “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

— David Letterman

464. “And tar is washing up onto the beaches – big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

— David Letterman

465. “President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.”

— David Letterman

466. “Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, ‘Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.’”

— David Letterman

467. “Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she’s running in 2056.”

— David Letterman

468. “Barack Obama’s busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.”

— David Letterman

469. “President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they’re gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.”

— David Letterman

470. “A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn’t that golf?”

— David Letterman

471. “Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

472. “New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.”

— David Letterman

473. “The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.”

— David Letterman

474. “Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?”

— David Letterman

475. “Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I’m wondering what she did before.”

— David Letterman

476. “Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.”

— David Letterman

477. “I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.”

— David Letterman

478. “This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.”

— David Letterman

479. “Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!”

— David Letterman

480. “John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for.”

— David Letterman

481. “The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.”

— David Letterman

482. “President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO’s of BMW and Volkswagen.”

— David Letterman

483. “During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!”

— David Letterman

484. “Tourists – have some fun with New york’s hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, “Pay? I was hitchhiking.””

— David Letterman

485. “Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold’s campaign has a new slogan: ‘Win one for the groper.’”

— David Letterman

486. “Here’s my problem. On Valentine’s Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.”

— David Letterman

487. “Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they’re never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show.”

— David Letterman

488. “They’re doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.”

— David Letterman

489. “Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush.”

— David Letterman

490. “President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.”

— David Letterman

491. “Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he’s charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.”

— David Letterman

492. “There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn’t been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.”

— David Letterman

493. “Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like ‘Caddyshack’ movies. They should have stopped with one.”

— David Letterman

494. “I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from it’s that you can’t trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress – Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I’m telling you the list goes on.”

— David Letterman

495. “Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, ‘Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.’”

— David Letterman

496. “Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.’”

— David Letterman

497. “Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.”

— David Letterman

498. “President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.”

— David Letterman

499. “Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.”

— David Letterman

500. “Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.”

— David Letterman