Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me – I don’t have a lifestyle.”

— David Letterman

152. “Night clubs scare me. They’re dark and they stink and they’re dangerous and everybody’s drunk.”

— David Letterman

153. “I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.”

— David Letterman

154. “I don’t like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.”

— David Letterman

155. “Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants.”

— David Letterman

156. “It’s so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early – is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”

— David Letterman

157. “Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.”

— David Letterman

158. “I haven’t reached nirvana yet, but I’ve been to Detroit.”

— David Letterman

159. “I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch...”

— David Letterman

160. “If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

— David Letterman

161. “The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan’s part in World War II. However, he still hasn’t mentioned anything about karaoke.”

— David Letterman

162. “Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future – wait a minute, that’s me.”

— David Letterman

163. “I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.”

— David Letterman

164. “Apparently, there’s something hinky about the new iPhones. They’re not hooked up right. There’s a problem with the antenna. They don’t like to be held – like my ex-wife.”

— David Letterman

165. “How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.”

— David Letterman

166. “In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.”

— David Letterman

167. “Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.”

— David Letterman

168. “Every day is President’s Day when you have an intern!”

— David Letterman

169. “There’s a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that’s the first new job he’s created since taking office.”

— David Letterman

170. “Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.”

— David Letterman

171. “Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.”

— David Letterman

172. “I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.”

— David Letterman

173. “Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death – though they say it’s virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.”

— David Letterman

174. “Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.”

— David Letterman

175. “About half an hour before air time – that’s when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It’s actually a great feeling.”

— David Letterman

176. “You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.”

— David Letterman

177. “One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama’s dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.”

— David Letterman

178. “A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.”

— David Letterman

179. “Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It’s now my screensaver.”

— David Letterman

180. “This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.”

— David Letterman

181. “Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.”

— David Letterman

182. “I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”

— David Letterman

183. “I spend most of my free time under the house.”

— David Letterman

184. “Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.”

— David Letterman

185. “Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.”

— David Letterman

186. “Because you think an explosion has taken place and you’re looking at the shards and you say, ‘Well, can we put this back together?’ And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won’t be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.”

— David Letterman

187. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd?”

— David Letterman

188. “Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.”

— David Letterman

189. “Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.”

— David Letterman

190. “Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!”

— David Letterman

191. “The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, ‘If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.’”

— David Letterman

192. “It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony – it’s not covered by Obamacare.”

— David Letterman

193. “Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.”

— David Letterman

194. “The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.”

— David Letterman

195. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.”

— David Letterman

196. “In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?”

— David Letterman

197. “I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.”

— David Letterman

198. “So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.”

— David Letterman

199. “Iraqi’s minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.”

— David Letterman

200. “Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me.”

— David Letterman