Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 4 of 10

151. “It’s so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early – is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”

— David Letterman

152. “Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.”

— David Letterman

153. “I haven’t reached nirvana yet, but I’ve been to Detroit.”

— David Letterman

154. “I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch...”

— David Letterman

155. “Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future – wait a minute, that’s me.”

— David Letterman

156. “I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.”

— David Letterman

157. “I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.”

— David Letterman

158. “I don’t like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.”

— David Letterman

159. “Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants.”

— David Letterman

160. “Every day is President’s Day when you have an intern!”

— David Letterman

161. “There’s a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that’s the first new job he’s created since taking office.”

— David Letterman

162. “Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.”

— David Letterman

163. “I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.”

— David Letterman

164. “Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.”

— David Letterman

165. “About half an hour before air time – that’s when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It’s actually a great feeling.”

— David Letterman

166. “You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.”

— David Letterman

167. “If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

— David Letterman

168. “The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan’s part in World War II. However, he still hasn’t mentioned anything about karaoke.”

— David Letterman

169. “Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.”

— David Letterman

170. “One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama’s dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.”

— David Letterman

171. “A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.”

— David Letterman

172. “Apparently, there’s something hinky about the new iPhones. They’re not hooked up right. There’s a problem with the antenna. They don’t like to be held – like my ex-wife.”

— David Letterman

173. “How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.”

— David Letterman

174. “In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.”

— David Letterman

175. “Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.”

— David Letterman

176. “I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”

— David Letterman

177. “I spend most of my free time under the house.”

— David Letterman

178. “Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.”

— David Letterman

179. “Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.”

— David Letterman

180. “Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.”

— David Letterman

181. “Because you think an explosion has taken place and you’re looking at the shards and you say, ‘Well, can we put this back together?’ And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won’t be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.”

— David Letterman

182. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd?”

— David Letterman

183. “Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.”

— David Letterman

184. “Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death – though they say it’s virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.”

— David Letterman

185. “Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!”

— David Letterman

186. “The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, ‘If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.’”

— David Letterman

187. “Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.”

— David Letterman

188. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.”

— David Letterman

189. “In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?”

— David Letterman

190. “Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It’s now my screensaver.”

— David Letterman

191. “This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.”

— David Letterman

192. “Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.”

— David Letterman

193. “What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he’s worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids – and he hates Americans for their “excessive” lifestyle.”

— David Letterman

194. “This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, ‘May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?’”

— David Letterman

195. “That’s the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don’t press the ball against your nose. The other one is don’t lick the pins.”

— David Letterman

196. “Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.”

— David Letterman

197. “Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.”

— David Letterman

198. “Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.”

— David Letterman

199. “Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.”

— David Letterman

200. “Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.”

— David Letterman