Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Life experience is the best teacher.”

— David Letterman

2. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”

— David Letterman

3. “There’s only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe – because I’ve done a little of this myself – pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.”

— David Letterman

4. “Let’s stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.”

— David Letterman

5. “You’ve got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.”

— David Letterman

6. “It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights.”

— David Letterman

7. “Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.”

— David Letterman

8. “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.”

— David Letterman

9. “You’ll never catch a nudist with his pants down.”

— David Letterman

10. “There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”

— David Letterman

11. “Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.”

— David Letterman

12. “The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.”

— David Letterman

13. “It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?”

— David Letterman

14. “I hate decaffeinated coffee. It’s useless brown water.”

— David Letterman

15. “Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I’ve been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It’s great to be alive.”

— David Letterman

16. “The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.”

— David Letterman

17. “I’m a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.”

— David Letterman

18. “They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.”

— David Letterman

19. “I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.”

— David Letterman

20. “For the love of God, folks, don’t try this at home.”

— David Letterman

21. “While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.”

— David Letterman

22. “Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage.”

— David Letterman

23. “St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.”

— David Letterman

24. “Them bats is smart. They use radar!”

— David Letterman

25. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

— David Letterman

26. “Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.”

— David Letterman

27. “United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We’re not too fond of luggage either.”

— David Letterman

28. “The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.”

— David Letterman

29. “The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”

— David Letterman

30. “In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.”

— David Letterman

31. “Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.”

— David Letterman

32. “Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women’s Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that’s missing an hour.”

— David Letterman

33. “Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don’t have any money in the stock market. I don’t have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.”

— David Letterman

34. “New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we’re down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.”

— David Letterman

35. “Don’t worry. It’s just a flesh wound.”

— David Letterman

36. “Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.”

— David Letterman

37. “Everyday is a compromise.”

— David Letterman

38. “He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.”

— David Letterman

39. “Here’s what we know about Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he’s with the NSA.”

— David Letterman

40. “According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.”

— David Letterman

41. “Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.”

— David Letterman

42. “Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China – oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.”

— David Letterman

43. “You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.”

— David Letterman

44. “I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.”

— David Letterman

45. “Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn’t think I’d be able to do the show.”

— David Letterman

46. “At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.”

— David Letterman

47. “President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It’s all over, it’s been won. I believe this would be Bush’s first uncontested victory.”

— David Letterman

48. “Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.”

— David Letterman

49. “My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar’s Palace with our white tigers.”

— David Letterman

50. “Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.”

— David Letterman