Top 100

Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)

David Letterman Quote: “Life experience is the best teacher.”
David Letterman Quote: “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
David Letterman Quote: “There’s only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe – because I’ve done a little of this myself – pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.”
David Letterman Quote: “Let’s stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.”
David Letterman Quote: “You’ve got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.”
David Letterman Quote: “It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights.”
David Letterman Quote: “Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.”
David Letterman Quote: “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.”
David Letterman Quote: “You’ll never catch a nudist with his pants down.”
David Letterman Quote: “Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.”
David Letterman Quote: “The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.”
David Letterman Quote: “It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?”
David Letterman Quote: “I hate decaffeinated coffee. It’s useless brown water.”
David Letterman Quote: “Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I’ve been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It’s great to be alive.”
David Letterman Quote: “The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.”
David Letterman Quote: “I’m a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.”
David Letterman Quote: “They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.”
David Letterman Quote: “I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.”
David Letterman Quote: “For the love of God, folks, don’t try this at home.”
David Letterman Quote: “While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.”
David Letterman Quote: “Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage.”
David Letterman Quote: “St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.”
David Letterman Quote: “Them bats is smart. They use radar!”
David Letterman Quote: “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
David Letterman Quote: “Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.”
David Letterman Quote: “United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We’re not too fond of luggage either.”
David Letterman Quote: “The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.”
David Letterman Quote: “The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
David Letterman Quote: “In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.”
David Letterman Quote: “Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.”
David Letterman Quote: “Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women’s Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that’s missing an hour.”
David Letterman Quote: “Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.”
David Letterman Quote: “New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we’re down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.”
David Letterman Quote: “Everyday is a compromise.”
David Letterman Quote: “There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”
David Letterman Quote: “He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.”
David Letterman Quote: “Here’s what we know about Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he’s with the NSA.”
David Letterman Quote: “According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.”
David Letterman Quote: “Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.”
David Letterman Quote: “You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.”
David Letterman Quote: “Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China – oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.”
David Letterman Quote: “I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.”
David Letterman Quote: “Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn’t think I’d be able to do the show.”
David Letterman Quote: “At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.”
David Letterman Quote: “Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.”
David Letterman Quote: “President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It’s all over, it’s been won. I believe this would be Bush’s first uncontested victory.”
David Letterman Quote: “My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar’s Palace with our white tigers.”
David Letterman Quote: “Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.”
David Letterman Quote: “Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails.”
David Letterman Quote: “I don’t know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I’m on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?”
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