Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.”

— David Letterman

202. “One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama’s dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.”

— David Letterman

203. “A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.”

— David Letterman

204. “Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants.”

— David Letterman

205. “If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

— David Letterman

206. “In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.”

— David Letterman

207. “I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.”

— David Letterman

208. “Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.”

— David Letterman

209. “I spend most of my free time under the house.”

— David Letterman

210. “Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.”

— David Letterman

211. “How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.”

— David Letterman

212. “Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It’s now my screensaver.”

— David Letterman

213. “Every day is President’s Day when you have an intern!”

— David Letterman

214. “You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.”

— David Letterman

215. “Because you think an explosion has taken place and you’re looking at the shards and you say, ‘Well, can we put this back together?’ And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won’t be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.”

— David Letterman

216. “Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.”

— David Letterman

217. “Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!”

— David Letterman

218. “The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, ‘If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.’”

— David Letterman

219. “I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.”

— David Letterman

220. “Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.”

— David Letterman

221. “Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.”

— David Letterman

222. “I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.”

— David Letterman

223. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.”

— David Letterman

224. “I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”

— David Letterman

225. “Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.”

— David Letterman

226. “This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, ‘May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?’”

— David Letterman

227. “Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.”

— David Letterman

228. “Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.”

— David Letterman

229. “It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony – it’s not covered by Obamacare.”

— David Letterman

230. “Bring Your Child to Work Day – that’s how we got George W. Bush.”

— David Letterman

231. “The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.”

— David Letterman

232. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd?”

— David Letterman

233. “Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.”

— David Letterman

234. “What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he’s worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids – and he hates Americans for their “excessive” lifestyle.”

— David Letterman

235. “USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.”

— David Letterman

236. “Iraqi’s minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.”

— David Letterman

237. “A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.”

— David Letterman

238. “The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.”

— David Letterman

239. “They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the ’90s, and they’re studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.”

— David Letterman

240. “Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.”

— David Letterman

241. “Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

242. “That’s the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don’t press the ball against your nose. The other one is don’t lick the pins.”

— David Letterman

243. “Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.”

— David Letterman

244. “Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It’s like he was Newt Gingrich.”

— David Letterman

245. “Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me.”

— David Letterman

246. “Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.”

— David Letterman

247. “I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you’re not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.”

— David Letterman

248. “Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

— David Letterman

249. “So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.”

— David Letterman

250. “Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.”

— David Letterman