Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?”

— David Letterman

202. “Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.”

— David Letterman

203. “It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony – it’s not covered by Obamacare.”

— David Letterman

204. “I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you’re not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.”

— David Letterman

205. “Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

— David Letterman

206. “The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.”

— David Letterman

207. “Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It’s like he was Newt Gingrich.”

— David Letterman

208. “I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.”

— David Letterman

209. “So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.”

— David Letterman

210. “Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me.”

— David Letterman

211. “They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the ’90s, and they’re studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.”

— David Letterman

212. “USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.”

— David Letterman

213. “Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.”

— David Letterman

214. “God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman’s ear.”

— David Letterman

215. “Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address – while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!”

— David Letterman

216. “You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?”

— David Letterman

217. “Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

218. “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

— David Letterman

219. “Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.”

— David Letterman

220. “Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.’”

— David Letterman

221. “Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.”

— David Letterman

222. “Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.”

— David Letterman

223. “Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.”

— David Letterman

224. “Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he’s retooling. He’s adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?”

— David Letterman

225. “The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.”

— David Letterman

226. “Here’s some news from Afghanistan. We’re sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we’ve captured so far is an American.”

— David Letterman

227. “John Boehner – doesn’t he look like every guy you’ve ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.”

— David Letterman

228. “The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.”

— David Letterman

229. “Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.”

— David Letterman

230. “I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.”

— David Letterman

231. “Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.”

— David Letterman

232. “Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?”

— David Letterman

233. “Iraqi’s minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.”

— David Letterman

234. “Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.”

— David Letterman

235. “A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.”

— David Letterman

236. “It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.”

— David Letterman

237. “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

— David Letterman

238. “Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.”

— David Letterman

239. “So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.”

— David Letterman

240. “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

— David Letterman

241. “This will be Michelle Obama’s last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.”

— David Letterman

242. “Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.”

— David Letterman

243. “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

— David Letterman

244. “There are so many flavors of Coke now – Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they’ve just brought out another new flavor – Coke with Pepsi.”

— David Letterman

245. “Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.”

— David Letterman

246. “The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.”

— David Letterman

247. “You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for ‘Mittens.’”

— David Letterman

248. “Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It’s a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.”

— David Letterman

249. “Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

— David Letterman

250. “Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.”

— David Letterman