Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the ’90s, and they’re studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.”

— David Letterman

202. “USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.”

— David Letterman

203. “A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.”

— David Letterman

204. “What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he’s worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids – and he hates Americans for their “excessive” lifestyle.”

— David Letterman

205. “Bring Your Child to Work Day – that’s how we got George W. Bush.”

— David Letterman

206. “This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, ‘May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?’”

— David Letterman

207. “That’s the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don’t press the ball against your nose. The other one is don’t lick the pins.”

— David Letterman

208. “Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.”

— David Letterman

209. “Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.”

— David Letterman

210. “Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.”

— David Letterman

211. “Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

212. “Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?”

— David Letterman

213. “Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.”

— David Letterman

214. “I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you’re not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.”

— David Letterman

215. “Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

— David Letterman

216. “Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.”

— David Letterman

217. “I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.”

— David Letterman

218. “Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It’s like he was Newt Gingrich.”

— David Letterman

219. “Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.”

— David Letterman

220. “Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?”

— David Letterman

221. “Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.”

— David Letterman

222. “The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a cardinal.”

— David Letterman

223. “Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.”

— David Letterman

224. “God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman’s ear.”

— David Letterman

225. “Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address – while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!”

— David Letterman

226. “You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?”

— David Letterman

227. “Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

228. “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

— David Letterman

229. “Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.”

— David Letterman

230. “Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.’”

— David Letterman

231. “Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.”

— David Letterman

232. “Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.”

— David Letterman

233. “Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.”

— David Letterman

234. “Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he’s retooling. He’s adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?”

— David Letterman

235. “The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.”

— David Letterman

236. “Here’s some news from Afghanistan. We’re sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we’ve captured so far is an American.”

— David Letterman

237. “John Boehner – doesn’t he look like every guy you’ve ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.”

— David Letterman

238. “The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.”

— David Letterman

239. “Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.”

— David Letterman

240. “Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.”

— David Letterman

241. “I know these jokes aren’t great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you’re between impeachments.”

— David Letterman

242. “We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that’s a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.”

— David Letterman

243. “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

— David Letterman

244. “Lesbians have never been more popular.”

— David Letterman

245. “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

— David Letterman

246. “I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.”

— David Letterman

247. “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

— David Letterman

248. “The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.’”

— David Letterman

249. “Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

— David Letterman

250. “They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I’m telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It’s like I have a twin.”

— David Letterman