Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.”

— David Letterman

202. “It’s so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early – is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”

— David Letterman

203. “In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?”

— David Letterman

204. “I haven’t reached nirvana yet, but I’ve been to Detroit.”

— David Letterman

205. “Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It’s kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future – wait a minute, that’s me.”

— David Letterman

206. “How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.”

— David Letterman

207. “Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It’s now my screensaver.”

— David Letterman

208. “Every day is President’s Day when you have an intern!”

— David Letterman

209. “You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.”

— David Letterman

210. “Because you think an explosion has taken place and you’re looking at the shards and you say, ‘Well, can we put this back together?’ And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won’t be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.”

— David Letterman

211. “Hey, guess who’s gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.”

— David Letterman

212. “In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.”

— David Letterman

213. “I vote Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.”

— David Letterman

214. “Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.”

— David Letterman

215. “I spend most of my free time under the house.”

— David Letterman

216. “Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.”

— David Letterman

217. “Bring Your Child to Work Day – that’s how we got George W. Bush.”

— David Letterman

218. “The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.”

— David Letterman

219. “There are so many flavors of Coke now – Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they’ve just brought out another new flavor – Coke with Pepsi.”

— David Letterman

220. “Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn’t that odd?”

— David Letterman

221. “Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I’m telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.”

— David Letterman

222. “What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he’s worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids – and he hates Americans for their “excessive” lifestyle.”

— David Letterman

223. “USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.”

— David Letterman

224. “Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!”

— David Letterman

225. “The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, ‘If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.’”

— David Letterman

226. “I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.”

— David Letterman

227. “Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We’ll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.”

— David Letterman

228. “Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.”

— David Letterman

229. “I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.”

— David Letterman

230. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.”

— David Letterman

231. “I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”

— David Letterman

232. “Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.”

— David Letterman

233. “This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, ‘May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?’”

— David Letterman

234. “Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.”

— David Letterman

235. “Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.”

— David Letterman

236. “It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony – it’s not covered by Obamacare.”

— David Letterman

237. “Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me.”

— David Letterman

238. “Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.”

— David Letterman

239. “I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you’re not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.”

— David Letterman

240. “Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?”

— David Letterman

241. “So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.”

— David Letterman

242. “Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.”

— David Letterman

243. “The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a cardinal.”

— David Letterman

244. “Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?”

— David Letterman

245. “Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.”

— David Letterman

246. “Iraqi’s minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.”

— David Letterman

247. “A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.”

— David Letterman

248. “The new ‘Mad Max’ movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in ‘Mad Max.’ I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.”

— David Letterman

249. “They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the ’90s, and they’re studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.”

— David Letterman

250. “Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.”

— David Letterman