Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.”

— David Letterman

52. “Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.”

— David Letterman

53. “Don’t use your bedroom for work, unless you’re a prostitute.”

— David Letterman

54. “North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.”

— David Letterman

55. “Ladies and gentlemen, after what I’ve been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.”

— David Letterman

56. “Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.”

— David Letterman

57. “Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.”

— David Letterman

58. “Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails.”

— David Letterman

59. “Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.”

— David Letterman

60. “Kim Jong Un’s sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn’t it?”

— David Letterman

61. “I don’t know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I’m on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?”

— David Letterman

62. “They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I’m telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It’s like I have a twin.”

— David Letterman

63. “This will be Michelle Obama’s last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.”

— David Letterman

64. “We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that’s a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.”

— David Letterman

65. “Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he’s married to five of them.”

— David Letterman

66. “Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds – 235 with cologne.”

— David Letterman

67. “Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It’s a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.”

— David Letterman

68. “Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?”

— David Letterman

69. “Lesbians have never been more popular.”

— David Letterman

70. “I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.”

— David Letterman

71. “The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.”

— David Letterman

72. “Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ’90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’”

— David Letterman

73. “Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.”

— David Letterman

74. “Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health.’”

— David Letterman

75. “George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.”

— David Letterman

76. “Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa’s naughty list.”

— David Letterman

77. “Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He’s a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.”

— David Letterman

78. “I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.”

— David Letterman

79. “Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

— David Letterman

80. “Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.”

— David Letterman

81. “Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.”

— David Letterman

82. “They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.”

— David Letterman

83. “A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.”

— David Letterman

84. “BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

85. “Wherever we’ve travelled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water.”

— David Letterman

86. “I’m still here. I knocked off another competitor.”

— David Letterman

87. “I wouldn’t give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.”

— David Letterman

88. “You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that’s just in the hot-dogs.”

— David Letterman

89. “When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.”

— David Letterman

90. “Love: You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.”

— David Letterman

91. “If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d have no discernible personality at all.”

— David Letterman

92. “There just isn’t enough televised Chess.”

— David Letterman

93. “Here in New York City, it’s cold. It’s so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.”

— David Letterman

94. “Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.”

— David Letterman

95. “Here’s the plot of ‘Interstellar.’ Refugees – they’re known as Democrats – they’re looking for a new planet.”

— David Letterman

96. “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!”

— David Letterman

97. “They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’em bloat!”

— David Letterman

98. “In Hollywood, Oscar is king.”

— David Letterman

99. “I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can’t do is throw coffee, I’ve said it over and over again!”

— David Letterman

100. “Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.”

— David Letterman