Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I wouldn’t give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.”

— David Letterman

52. “You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that’s just in the hot-dogs.”

— David Letterman

53. “Love: You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.”

— David Letterman

54. “When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.”

— David Letterman

55. “If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d have no discernible personality at all.”

— David Letterman

56. “There just isn’t enough televised Chess.”

— David Letterman

57. “Here in New York City, it’s cold. It’s so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.”

— David Letterman

58. “Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.”

— David Letterman

59. “Here’s the plot of ‘Interstellar.’ Refugees – they’re known as Democrats – they’re looking for a new planet.”

— David Letterman

60. “Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don’t have any money in the stock market. I don’t have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.”

— David Letterman

61. “In Hollywood, Oscar is king.”

— David Letterman

62. “They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’em bloat!”

— David Letterman

63. “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!”

— David Letterman

64. “Don’t worry. It’s just a flesh wound.”

— David Letterman

65. “Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.”

— David Letterman

66. “I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can’t do is throw coffee, I’ve said it over and over again!”

— David Letterman

67. “Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rabbit. And here’s how dumb I am. I’m still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.”

— David Letterman

68. “When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?”

— David Letterman

69. “Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”

— David Letterman

70. “They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.”

— David Letterman

71. “It’s disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.”

— David Letterman

72. “Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.”

— David Letterman

73. “It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.”

— David Letterman

74. “Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I’m giving my two-week notice.”

— David Letterman

75. “Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.”

— David Letterman

76. “I’m nothing if not an optimist.”

— David Letterman

77. “Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, ‘We need one of these things around the White House.’”

— David Letterman

78. “I’m so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.”

— David Letterman

79. “You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.”

— David Letterman

80. “The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.”

— David Letterman

81. “Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven’s symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.”

— David Letterman

82. “I’ll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.”

— David Letterman

83. “The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne – out of the toilet.”

— David Letterman

84. “I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.”

— David Letterman

85. “I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!”

— David Letterman

86. “The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.”

— David Letterman

87. “Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.”

— David Letterman

88. “Father’s Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.”

— David Letterman

89. “Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.”

— David Letterman

90. “New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?”

— David Letterman

91. “John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.”

— David Letterman

92. “I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, “So does the guy I stole it from.””

— David Letterman

93. “Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.”

— David Letterman

94. “You’re not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don’t you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?”

— David Letterman

95. “When Martha gets out she’ll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that’ll teach her. She’s only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.”

— David Letterman

96. “America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.”

— David Letterman

97. “I’d do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it’s too cold.”

— David Letterman

98. “Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.”

— David Letterman

99. “The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see ‘The Book of Mormon.’”

— David Letterman

100. “Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.”

— David Letterman