Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

— David Letterman

302. “Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

303. “President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.”

— David Letterman

304. “Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.”

— David Letterman

305. “John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.”

— David Letterman

306. “Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration – going back and forth – finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.”

— David Letterman

307. “At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.”

— David Letterman

308. “It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.”

— David Letterman

309. “Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.”

— David Letterman

310. “Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license.”

— David Letterman

311. “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”

— David Letterman

312. “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

— David Letterman

313. “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

— David Letterman

314. “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

— David Letterman

315. “Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

— David Letterman

316. “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

— David Letterman

317. “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

— David Letterman

318. “Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, ‘Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?’”

— David Letterman

319. “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

— David Letterman

320. “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

— David Letterman

321. “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

— David Letterman

322. “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

— David Letterman

323. “I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

— David Letterman

324. “There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

— David Letterman

325. “Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.”

— David Letterman

326. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.”

— David Letterman

327. “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

— David Letterman

328. “The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.”

— David Letterman

329. “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.”

— David Letterman

330. “It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

— David Letterman

331. “It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

— David Letterman

332. “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

— David Letterman

333. “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

— David Letterman

334. “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

— David Letterman

335. “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

— David Letterman

336. “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

— David Letterman

337. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

— David Letterman

338. “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.”

— David Letterman

339. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

— David Letterman

340. “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

— David Letterman

341. “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

342. “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

— David Letterman

343. “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

— David Letterman

344. “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

— David Letterman

345. “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

— David Letterman

346. “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

— David Letterman

347. “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

— David Letterman

348. “Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.”

— David Letterman

349. “Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.”

— David Letterman

350. “CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”

— David Letterman