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Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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David Letterman Quote: “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”

301. “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

302. “Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

303. “Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

304. “Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, ‘Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?’”

305. “Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, ‘Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

306. “I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?”

307. “The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

308. “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

309. “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

310. “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.”

311. “I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

312. “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

313. “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

314. “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

315. “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

316. “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

317. “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

318. “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

319. “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

320. “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

321. “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

322. “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

323. “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

324. “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

325. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

326. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

327. “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

328. “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

329. “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

330. “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

331. “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

332. “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

333. “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

334. “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

335. “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

336. “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

337. “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

338. “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

339. “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

340. “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

341. “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

342. “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

343. “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

344. “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

345. “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

346. “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

347. “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

348. “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

349. “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

350. “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

— David Letterman

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