Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “Kim Jong Un’s sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn’t it?”

— David Letterman

302. “Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration – going back and forth – finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.”

— David Letterman

303. “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

— David Letterman

304. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.”

— David Letterman

305. “Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.”

— David Letterman

306. “We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that’s a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.”

— David Letterman

307. “Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ’90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’”

— David Letterman

308. “I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

— David Letterman

309. “I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.”

— David Letterman

310. “John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.”

— David Letterman

311. “Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.”

— David Letterman

312. “George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.”

— David Letterman

313. “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

— David Letterman

314. “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

— David Letterman

315. “Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

— David Letterman

316. “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

— David Letterman

317. “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

— David Letterman

318. “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

— David Letterman

319. “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

— David Letterman

320. “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

— David Letterman

321. “The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.”

— David Letterman

322. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

— David Letterman

323. “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

— David Letterman

324. “Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.”

— David Letterman

325. “George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

— David Letterman

326. “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

— David Letterman

327. “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

— David Letterman

328. “Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.”

— David Letterman

329. “The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.”

— David Letterman

330. “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

— David Letterman

331. “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

— David Letterman

332. “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

— David Letterman

333. “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.”

— David Letterman

334. “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.”

— David Letterman

335. “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

— David Letterman

336. “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.”

— David Letterman

337. “Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds – 235 with cologne.”

— David Letterman

338. “I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.”

— David Letterman

339. “Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— David Letterman

340. “Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

— David Letterman

341. “They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’”

— David Letterman

342. “You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.”

— David Letterman

343. “President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

— David Letterman

344. “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting – you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

— David Letterman

345. “Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

— David Letterman

346. “CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”

— David Letterman

347. “The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

— David Letterman

348. “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

— David Letterman

349. “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.”

— David Letterman

350. “President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.”

— David Letterman