Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

— David Letterman

302. “Don’t use your bedroom for work, unless you’re a prostitute.”

— David Letterman

303. “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

— David Letterman

304. “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

— David Letterman

305. “Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.”

— David Letterman

306. “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

— David Letterman

307. “Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.”

— David Letterman

308. “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

— David Letterman

309. “Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health.’”

— David Letterman

310. “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.”

— David Letterman

311. “Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa’s naughty list.”

— David Letterman

312. “Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license.”

— David Letterman

313. “It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

— David Letterman

314. “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”

— David Letterman

315. “It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

— David Letterman

316. “Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He’s a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.”

— David Letterman

317. “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

— David Letterman

318. “Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?”

— David Letterman

319. “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

— David Letterman

320. “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

— David Letterman

321. “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

— David Letterman

322. “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

— David Letterman

323. “We’re learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we’re getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that’s Clinton.”

— David Letterman

324. “Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration – going back and forth – finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.”

— David Letterman

325. “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

— David Letterman

326. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.”

— David Letterman

327. “Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats.”

— David Letterman

328. “The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.”

— David Letterman

329. “Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

— David Letterman

330. “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

— David Letterman

331. “Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he’s married to five of them.”

— David Letterman

332. “Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.”

— David Letterman

333. “Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.”

— David Letterman

334. “President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.”

— David Letterman

335. “Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.”

— David Letterman

336. “Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.”

— David Letterman

337. “Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.”

— David Letterman

338. “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

— David Letterman

339. “I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.”

— David Letterman

340. “The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.”

— David Letterman

341. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

— David Letterman

342. “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

— David Letterman

343. “Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.”

— David Letterman

344. “George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

— David Letterman

345. “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

— David Letterman

346. “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

— David Letterman

347. “Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.”

— David Letterman

348. “The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.”

— David Letterman

349. “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

— David Letterman

350. “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

— David Letterman