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Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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David Letterman Quote: “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

301. “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

302. “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

303. “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

304. “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

305. “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

306. “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

307. “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

308. “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

309. “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

310. “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

311. “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

312. “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

313. “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

314. “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

315. “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

316. “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.”

317. “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.”

318. “Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.”

319. “President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

320. “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

321. “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

322. “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

323. “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

324. “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

325. “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

326. “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

327. “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

328. “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

329. “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

330. “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

331. “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

332. “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

333. “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

334. “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

335. “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

336. “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

337. “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

338. “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

339. “I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

340. “There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.”

341. “Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.”

342. “You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

343. “It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.”

344. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.”

345. “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.”

346. “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

347. “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.”

348. “The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.”

349. “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

350. “It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

— David Letterman

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