Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

— David Letterman

302. “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

— David Letterman

303. “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

— David Letterman

304. “I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.”

— David Letterman

305. “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

— David Letterman

306. “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

— David Letterman

307. “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

— David Letterman

308. “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

— David Letterman

309. “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

— David Letterman

310. “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

— David Letterman

311. “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

— David Letterman

312. “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

— David Letterman

313. “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

— David Letterman

314. “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

— David Letterman

315. “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

— David Letterman

316. “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

— David Letterman

317. “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.”

— David Letterman

318. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

— David Letterman

319. “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

— David Letterman

320. “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

— David Letterman

321. “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

— David Letterman

322. “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

323. “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

— David Letterman

324. “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

— David Letterman

325. “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

— David Letterman

326. “The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

— David Letterman

327. “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

— David Letterman

328. “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

— David Letterman

329. “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

— David Letterman

330. “Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.”

— David Letterman

331. “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

— David Letterman

332. “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

— David Letterman

333. “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

— David Letterman

334. “Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

— David Letterman

335. “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

— David Letterman

336. “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

— David Letterman

337. “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

— David Letterman

338. “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

— David Letterman

339. “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

— David Letterman

340. “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

— David Letterman

341. “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

— David Letterman

342. “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

— David Letterman

343. “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

— David Letterman

344. “I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

— David Letterman

345. “There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

— David Letterman

346. “Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.”

— David Letterman

347. “It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

— David Letterman

348. “Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.”

— David Letterman

349. “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.”

— David Letterman

350. “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.”

— David Letterman