Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

— David Letterman

352. “The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.”

— David Letterman

353. “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.”

— David Letterman

354. “It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

— David Letterman

355. “It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

— David Letterman

356. “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

— David Letterman

357. “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

— David Letterman

358. “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

— David Letterman

359. “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

— David Letterman

360. “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

— David Letterman

361. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

— David Letterman

362. “President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.”

— David Letterman

363. “Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.”

— David Letterman

364. “Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.”

— David Letterman

365. “Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.”

— David Letterman

366. “I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.”

— David Letterman

367. “I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.”

— David Letterman

368. “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

— David Letterman

369. “They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’”

— David Letterman

370. “President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

— David Letterman

371. “Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

— David Letterman

372. “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.”

— David Letterman

373. “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.”

— David Letterman

374. “The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.”

— David Letterman

375. “President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.”

— David Letterman

376. “Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.”

— David Letterman

377. “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

— David Letterman

378. “CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”

— David Letterman

379. “The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

— David Letterman

380. “Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

— David Letterman

381. “I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.”

— David Letterman

382. “Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— David Letterman

383. “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

— David Letterman

384. “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

— David Letterman

385. “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

— David Letterman

386. “George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

— David Letterman

387. “The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.”

— David Letterman

388. “Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.”

— David Letterman

389. “Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.”

— David Letterman

390. “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

— David Letterman

391. “Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.”

— David Letterman

392. “You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.”

— David Letterman

393. “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting – you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

— David Letterman

394. “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

— David Letterman

395. “President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

— David Letterman

396. “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

— David Letterman

397. “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

— David Letterman

398. “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

— David Letterman

399. “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

— David Letterman

400. “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

— David Letterman