Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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351. “Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.”

— David Letterman

352. “President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.”

— David Letterman

353. “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

354. “Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.”

— David Letterman

355. “Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.”

— David Letterman

356. “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

— David Letterman

357. “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

— David Letterman

358. “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

— David Letterman

359. “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

— David Letterman

360. “President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.”

— David Letterman

361. “Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, ‘Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?’”

— David Letterman

362. “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

— David Letterman

363. “It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

— David Letterman

364. “President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

— David Letterman

365. “I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.”

— David Letterman

366. “Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats.”

— David Letterman

367. “The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.”

— David Letterman

368. “Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

— David Letterman

369. “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

— David Letterman

370. “There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

— David Letterman

371. “Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he’s married to five of them.”

— David Letterman

372. “Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.”

— David Letterman

373. “Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.”

— David Letterman

374. “President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.”

— David Letterman

375. “Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.”

— David Letterman

376. “Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.”

— David Letterman

377. “Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.”

— David Letterman

378. “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

— David Letterman

379. “I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.”

— David Letterman

380. “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

— David Letterman

381. “They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.”

— David Letterman

382. “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

— David Letterman

383. “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

— David Letterman

384. “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

— David Letterman

385. “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

386. “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

— David Letterman

387. “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

— David Letterman

388. “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

— David Letterman

389. “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.”

— David Letterman

390. “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

— David Letterman

391. “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

— David Letterman

392. “I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.”

— David Letterman

393. “Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

— David Letterman

394. “The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?”

— David Letterman

395. “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

— David Letterman

396. “North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.”

— David Letterman

397. “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

— David Letterman

398. “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

— David Letterman

399. “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

— David Letterman

400. “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

— David Letterman