Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

— David Letterman

352. “Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

— David Letterman

353. “I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.”

— David Letterman

354. “Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— David Letterman

355. “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

— David Letterman

356. “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

— David Letterman

357. “You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.”

— David Letterman

358. “George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

— David Letterman

359. “The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.”

— David Letterman

360. “Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.”

— David Letterman

361. “Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.”

— David Letterman

362. “Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don’t need your name and address.”

— David Letterman

363. “Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.”

— David Letterman

364. “You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.”

— David Letterman

365. “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting – you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

— David Letterman

366. “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

— David Letterman

367. “It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

— David Letterman

368. “President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

— David Letterman

369. “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

— David Letterman

370. “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

— David Letterman

371. “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.”

— David Letterman

372. “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

— David Letterman

373. “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

— David Letterman

374. “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

— David Letterman

375. “Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.”

— David Letterman

376. “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

— David Letterman

377. “The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

— David Letterman

378. “President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.”

— David Letterman

379. “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.”

— David Letterman

380. “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.”

— David Letterman

381. “Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats.”

— David Letterman

382. “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

— David Letterman

383. “President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.”

— David Letterman

384. “Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.”

— David Letterman

385. “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

— David Letterman

386. “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

— David Letterman

387. “Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.”

— David Letterman

388. “Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.”

— David Letterman

389. “I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.”

— David Letterman

390. “I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.”

— David Letterman

391. “President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

392. “Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.”

— David Letterman

393. “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

— David Letterman

394. “They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’”

— David Letterman

395. “President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

— David Letterman

396. “Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

— David Letterman

397. “I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.”

— David Letterman

398. “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.”

— David Letterman

399. “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.”

— David Letterman

400. “The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.”

— David Letterman