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Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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David Letterman Quote: “It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

351. “It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

352. “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

353. “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

354. “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

355. “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

356. “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

357. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

358. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be to campaigning in Europe.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

359. “As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that’s just his hair.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

360. “Newt Gingrich has criticized ‘New York elites’ who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

361. “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

362. “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

363. “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

364. “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’”

365. “They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

366. “President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

367. “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

368. “Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.”

369. “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.”

370. “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.”

371. “The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.”

372. “President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

373. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.”

374. “Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

375. “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”

376. “CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

377. “The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

378. “Here’s why Sarah Palin says she won’t be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that’s true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.”

379. “I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

380. “Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

381. “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

382. “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

383. “George W. said he doesn’t watch television. And, of course, well – the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.”

384. “The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It’s voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.”

385. “Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.”

386. “Did you folks see President Bush’s State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he’s in the hands of interrogators.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

387. “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.”

388. “Do you know what I’m going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting – you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

389. “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting – you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

390. “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

391. “President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

392. “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

393. “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

394. “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

395. “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

396. “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

397. “The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.”

398. “President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.”

399. “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.”

400. “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.”

— David Letterman

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