Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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351. “Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.”

— David Letterman

352. “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body.”

— David Letterman

353. “Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I’d like to release all of my emails. I’ve got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.”

— David Letterman

354. “I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.”

— David Letterman

355. “Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn’t win. But next year, he’ll be competing in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’”

— David Letterman

356. “They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’”

— David Letterman

357. “You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It’s bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They’re laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.”

— David Letterman

358. “President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

— David Letterman

359. “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting – you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”

— David Letterman

360. “Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.”

— David Letterman

361. “CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three.”

— David Letterman

362. “The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.”

— David Letterman

363. “Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here’s a little tip Howard – cut back on the Red Bull.”

— David Letterman

364. “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.”

— David Letterman

365. “President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

366. “Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.”

— David Letterman

367. “President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.”

— David Letterman

368. “You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

369. “Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.”

— David Letterman

370. “Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.”

— David Letterman

371. “But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.”

— David Letterman

372. “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

— David Letterman

373. “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

— David Letterman

374. “Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.”

— David Letterman

375. “Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.”

— David Letterman

376. “President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.”

— David Letterman

377. “Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, ‘Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?’”

— David Letterman

378. “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

— David Letterman

379. “It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

— David Letterman

380. “President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

— David Letterman

381. “I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.”

— David Letterman

382. “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

— David Letterman

383. “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

— David Letterman

384. “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

— David Letterman

385. “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

— David Letterman

386. “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

— David Letterman

387. “The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

— David Letterman

388. “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

— David Letterman

389. “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

— David Letterman

390. “I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.”

— David Letterman

391. “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

— David Letterman

392. “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

— David Letterman

393. “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

— David Letterman

394. “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

— David Letterman

395. “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

— David Letterman

396. “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

— David Letterman

397. “They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.”

— David Letterman

398. “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

— David Letterman

399. “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

— David Letterman

400. “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

— David Letterman