Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a cardinal.”

— David Letterman

252. “Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?”

— David Letterman

253. “Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.”

— David Letterman

254. “Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.”

— David Letterman

255. “Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.’”

— David Letterman

256. “Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.”

— David Letterman

257. “Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?”

— David Letterman

258. “Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.”

— David Letterman

259. “Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.”

— David Letterman

260. “Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.”

— David Letterman

261. “Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

262. “God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman’s ear.”

— David Letterman

263. “Here’s some news from Afghanistan. We’re sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we’ve captured so far is an American.”

— David Letterman

264. “Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.”

— David Letterman

265. “Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.”

— David Letterman

266. “Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he’s retooling. He’s adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?”

— David Letterman

267. “Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.”

— David Letterman

268. “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

— David Letterman

269. “Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.”

— David Letterman

270. “Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address – while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!”

— David Letterman

271. “You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?”

— David Letterman

272. “Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.”

— David Letterman

273. “The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.”

— David Letterman

274. “Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.”

— David Letterman

275. “There are so many flavors of Coke now – Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they’ve just brought out another new flavor – Coke with Pepsi.”

— David Letterman

276. “John Boehner – doesn’t he look like every guy you’ve ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.”

— David Letterman

277. “The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.”

— David Letterman

278. “Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

— David Letterman

279. “So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.”

— David Letterman

280. “I know these jokes aren’t great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you’re between impeachments.”

— David Letterman

281. “Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

— David Letterman

282. “We’re learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we’re getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that’s Clinton.”

— David Letterman

283. “I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

— David Letterman

284. “The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?”

— David Letterman

285. “You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for ‘Mittens.’”

— David Letterman

286. “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

— David Letterman

287. “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

— David Letterman

288. “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

— David Letterman

289. “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

— David Letterman

290. “I’ve had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.”

— David Letterman

291. “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

— David Letterman

292. “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

— David Letterman

293. “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

— David Letterman

294. “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

— David Letterman

295. “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

— David Letterman

296. “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

— David Letterman

297. “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

— David Letterman

298. “The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.’”

— David Letterman

299. “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

— David Letterman

300. “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

— David Letterman