Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

252. “President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.”

— David Letterman

253. “I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

— David Letterman

254. “There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.”

— David Letterman

255. “At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.”

— David Letterman

256. “I know these jokes aren’t great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you’re between impeachments.”

— David Letterman

257. “Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.”

— David Letterman

258. “Lesbians have never been more popular.”

— David Letterman

259. “Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.”

— David Letterman

260. “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

— David Letterman

261. “The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.’”

— David Letterman

262. “They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I’m telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It’s like I have a twin.”

— David Letterman

263. “The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a cardinal.”

— David Letterman

264. “Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.”

— David Letterman

265. “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

— David Letterman

266. “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

— David Letterman

267. “I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.”

— David Letterman

268. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

— David Letterman

269. “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

— David Letterman

270. “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.”

— David Letterman

271. “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

— David Letterman

272. “Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.”

— David Letterman

273. “Bring Your Child to Work Day – that’s how we got George W. Bush.”

— David Letterman

274. “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

— David Letterman

275. “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

— David Letterman

276. “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

— David Letterman

277. “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

— David Letterman

278. “Don’t use your bedroom for work, unless you’re a prostitute.”

— David Letterman

279. “Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.”

— David Letterman

280. “President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.”

— David Letterman

281. “Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.”

— David Letterman

282. “People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.”

— David Letterman

283. “Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.”

— David Letterman

284. “Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he’s certainly come to the right place. He’ll be fine here.”

— David Letterman

285. “Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I’ll be Goggling ‘foods that improve prostate health.’”

— David Letterman

286. “Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.”

— David Letterman

287. “Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa’s naughty list.”

— David Letterman

288. “Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license.”

— David Letterman

289. “It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.”

— David Letterman

290. “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”

— David Letterman

291. “It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.”

— David Letterman

292. “Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He’s a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.”

— David Letterman

293. “The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.”

— David Letterman

294. “Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I’m wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?”

— David Letterman

295. “The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.”

— David Letterman

296. “Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

— David Letterman

297. “Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.”

— David Letterman

298. “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

— David Letterman

299. “The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?”

— David Letterman

300. “We’re learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we’re getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that’s Clinton.”

— David Letterman