Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.”

— David Letterman

252. “Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.”

— David Letterman

253. “I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.”

— David Letterman

254. “It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.”

— David Letterman

255. “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

— David Letterman

256. “Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.”

— David Letterman

257. “So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.”

— David Letterman

258. “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

— David Letterman

259. “This will be Michelle Obama’s last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.”

— David Letterman

260. “Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.”

— David Letterman

261. “New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.”

— David Letterman

262. “There are so many flavors of Coke now – Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they’ve just brought out another new flavor – Coke with Pepsi.”

— David Letterman

263. “Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.”

— David Letterman

264. “The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.”

— David Letterman

265. “You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for ‘Mittens.’”

— David Letterman

266. “Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It’s a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.”

— David Letterman

267. “I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”

— David Letterman

268. “Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

— David Letterman

269. “Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

270. “President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.”

— David Letterman

271. “Kim Jong Un’s sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn’t it?”

— David Letterman

272. “I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

— David Letterman

273. “There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.”

— David Letterman

274. “At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.”

— David Letterman

275. “Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the ’90s when he starred on ‘Baywatch.’”

— David Letterman

276. “I feel like Bush presidencies are like “Godfather” films. You should stop at two.”

— David Letterman

277. “There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.”

— David Letterman

278. “John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.”

— David Letterman

279. “Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.”

— David Letterman

280. “George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.”

— David Letterman

281. “Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.”

— David Letterman

282. “John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.”

— David Letterman

283. “Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!”

— David Letterman

284. “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

— David Letterman

285. “Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?”

— David Letterman

286. “Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.”

— David Letterman

287. “If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.”

— David Letterman

288. “The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.”

— David Letterman

289. “Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.”

— David Letterman

290. “Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’”

— David Letterman

291. “My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”

— David Letterman

292. “Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late.”

— David Letterman

293. “Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

— David Letterman

294. “Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.”

— David Letterman

295. “The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.”

— David Letterman

296. “Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”

— David Letterman

297. “Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.”

— David Letterman

298. “There’s some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”

— David Letterman

299. “How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed.”

— David Letterman

300. “A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.”

— David Letterman