Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.”

— David Letterman

252. “That’s the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don’t press the ball against your nose. The other one is don’t lick the pins.”

— David Letterman

253. “Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, ‘I didn’t expect this,’ Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.”

— David Letterman

254. “Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It’s like he was Newt Gingrich.”

— David Letterman

255. “Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

— David Letterman

256. “Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.”

— David Letterman

257. “Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address – while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!”

— David Letterman

258. “You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?”

— David Letterman

259. “Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.”

— David Letterman

260. “The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.”

— David Letterman

261. “Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.”

— David Letterman

262. “John Boehner – doesn’t he look like every guy you’ve ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.”

— David Letterman

263. “The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.”

— David Letterman

264. “Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.”

— David Letterman

265. “Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to ‘President Trump.’”

— David Letterman

266. “Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?”

— David Letterman

267. “Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.”

— David Letterman

268. “Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.”

— David Letterman

269. “Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.”

— David Letterman

270. “Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.”

— David Letterman

271. “Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

272. “God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman’s ear.”

— David Letterman

273. “Here’s some news from Afghanistan. We’re sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we’ve captured so far is an American.”

— David Letterman

274. “Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.”

— David Letterman

275. “Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he’s retooling. He’s adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?”

— David Letterman

276. “Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.”

— David Letterman

277. “Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.”

— David Letterman

278. “The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.’”

— David Letterman

279. “You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?”

— David Letterman

280. “My political position is that I’m happy to be alive and in North America.”

— David Letterman

281. “The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?”

— David Letterman

282. “To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There’s a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.”

— David Letterman

283. “The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.”

— David Letterman

284. “Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.”

— David Letterman

285. “President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.”

— David Letterman

286. “Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.”

— David Letterman

287. “John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.”

— David Letterman

288. “Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration – going back and forth – finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.”

— David Letterman

289. “At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.”

— David Letterman

290. “It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.”

— David Letterman

291. “Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It’s to get to know the people she’ll never, ever see again in her life.”

— David Letterman

292. “Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license.”

— David Letterman

293. “I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.”

— David Letterman

294. “Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It’s for the American Olympic team and it’s berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

— David Letterman

295. “So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.”

— David Letterman

296. “I know these jokes aren’t great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you’re between impeachments.”

— David Letterman

297. “We’re learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we’re getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that’s Clinton.”

— David Letterman

298. “I’ll be honest with you. It’s beginning to look like I’m not going to get ‘The Tonight Show.’”

— David Letterman

299. “Privately I think that I’m not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people – Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I’m just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.”

— David Letterman

300. “You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for ‘Mittens.’”

— David Letterman