Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.”

— David Letterman

102. “A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.”

— David Letterman

103. “I’d do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it’s too cold.”

— David Letterman

104. “There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.”

— David Letterman

105. “Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They’ve created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.”

— David Letterman

106. “Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.”

— David Letterman

107. “The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see ‘The Book of Mormon.’”

— David Letterman

108. “Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don’t confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That’s urban quagmire.”

— David Letterman

109. “You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester.”

— David Letterman

110. “Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.”

— David Letterman

111. “The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”

— David Letterman

112. “I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”

— David Letterman

113. “Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, ‘Thank you, Oprah.’”

— David Letterman

114. “I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.”

— David Letterman

115. “People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”

— David Letterman

116. “Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.”

— David Letterman

117. “Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.”

— David Letterman

118. “A small handgun makes any TV remote control.”

— David Letterman

119. “There is no off position on the genius.”

— David Letterman

120. “Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.”

— David Letterman

121. “Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.”

— David Letterman

122. “Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, ‘Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.’”

— David Letterman

123. “Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.”

— David Letterman

124. “Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.’”

— David Letterman

125. “Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women’s race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn’t even have time to finish their catcalls.”

— David Letterman

126. “I’m very resourceful. I’d be good in prison. I’d be good in a shipwreck. I’d make a great hostage.”

— David Letterman

127. “Let’s have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.”

— David Letterman

128. “Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.”

— David Letterman

129. “President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They’re both in China at the same time. It’s like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.”

— David Letterman

130. “Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.”

— David Letterman

131. “Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie ‘King Kong’ and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that’s Maria Shriver.”

— David Letterman

132. “Let’s see what’s going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers – they are truly living the American Dream.”

— David Letterman

133. “I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn’t do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I’d consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That’s enough. I’ve had my fun and I’m glad I quit.”

— David Letterman

134. “The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It’s almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.”

— David Letterman

135. “Honey, what happened to “ladies first”? Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!””

— David Letterman

136. “We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he’s also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.”

— David Letterman

137. “The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as ‘the Leno.’ There are really two sides to this story. And America can’t wait for Kerry to present both of them.”

— David Letterman

138. “Don’t kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here’s how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.”

— David Letterman

139. “Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.”

— David Letterman

140. “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’”

— David Letterman

141. “Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I’m telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.”

— David Letterman

142. “Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she’s twice the man Jim Bakker is.”

— David Letterman

143. “Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they’re going to make a movie about it. They’re going to call it ‘Some like it Jihad.’”

— David Letterman

144. “This isn’t brain surgery; it’s just television.”

— David Letterman

145. “We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.”

— David Letterman

146. “It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you’re scared and you’re depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.”

— David Letterman

147. “Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah’s Witnesses finally got fed up and said, ‘Get lost. Get out of here!’”

— David Letterman

148. “To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You’ll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He’s as good as Houdini was at his best!”

— David Letterman

149. “Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.”

— David Letterman

150. “Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.”

— David Letterman