Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rabbit. And here’s how dumb I am. I’m still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.”

— David Letterman

102. “When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?”

— David Letterman

103. “Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”

— David Letterman

104. “You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.”

— David Letterman

105. “It’s disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.”

— David Letterman

106. “They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.”

— David Letterman

107. “I’m nothing if not an optimist.”

— David Letterman

108. “Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.”

— David Letterman

109. “It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.”

— David Letterman

110. “Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, ‘We need one of these things around the White House.’”

— David Letterman

111. “Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I’m giving my two-week notice.”

— David Letterman

112. “I’m so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.”

— David Letterman

113. “Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.”

— David Letterman

114. “I’ll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.”

— David Letterman

115. “I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!”

— David Letterman

116. “Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven’s symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.”

— David Letterman

117. “The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.”

— David Letterman

118. “There’s a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that’s the first new job he’s created since taking office.”

— David Letterman

119. “The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne – out of the toilet.”

— David Letterman

120. “Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.”

— David Letterman

121. “Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can’t see her feet.”

— David Letterman

122. “I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.”

— David Letterman

123. “A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.”

— David Letterman

124. “The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.”

— David Letterman

125. “Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.”

— David Letterman

126. “You’re not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don’t you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?”

— David Letterman

127. “John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.”

— David Letterman

128. “New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?”

— David Letterman

129. “Every year when it’s Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it’s just gunfire.”

— David Letterman

130. “Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.”

— David Letterman

131. “Father’s Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.”

— David Letterman

132. “I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, “So does the guy I stole it from.””

— David Letterman

133. “Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.”

— David Letterman

134. “America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.”

— David Letterman

135. “Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they’re going to make a movie about it. They’re going to call it ‘Some like it Jihad.’”

— David Letterman

136. “When Martha gets out she’ll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that’ll teach her. She’s only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.”

— David Letterman

137. “Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.”

— David Letterman

138. “Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.”

— David Letterman

139. “I’d do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it’s too cold.”

— David Letterman

140. “You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester.”

— David Letterman

141. “There is no off position on the genius.”

— David Letterman

142. “There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.”

— David Letterman

143. “Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, ‘Thank you, Oprah.’”

— David Letterman

144. “The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see ‘The Book of Mormon.’”

— David Letterman

145. “Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They’ve created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.”

— David Letterman

146. “Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don’t confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That’s urban quagmire.”

— David Letterman

147. “People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”

— David Letterman

148. “I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”

— David Letterman

149. “The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”

— David Letterman

150. “Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.”

— David Letterman