Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

— David Letterman

402. “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

— David Letterman

403. “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

— David Letterman

404. “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

— David Letterman

405. “Ladies and gentlemen, after what I’ve been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.”

— David Letterman

406. “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

— David Letterman

407. “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

— David Letterman

408. “Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I’m thinking about moving back into my mother’s house.”

— David Letterman

409. “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

— David Letterman

410. “John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you’re not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

— David Letterman

411. “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

— David Letterman

412. “The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

— David Letterman

413. “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

— David Letterman

414. “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

— David Letterman

415. “I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.”

— David Letterman

416. “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

— David Letterman

417. “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

— David Letterman

418. “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

— David Letterman

419. “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

— David Letterman

420. “The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.”

— David Letterman

421. “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

— David Letterman

422. “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

— David Letterman

423. “I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.”

— David Letterman

424. “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

— David Letterman

425. “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

— David Letterman

426. “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

— David Letterman

427. “Quiet down, we don’t want to wake the Russians.”

— David Letterman

428. “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.”

— David Letterman

429. “Sarah Palin’s book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.”

— David Letterman

430. “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

— David Letterman

431. “I’m still here. I knocked off another competitor.”

— David Letterman

432. “You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.”

— David Letterman

433. “Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.”

— David Letterman

434. “BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

435. “Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.”

— David Letterman

436. “And tar is washing up onto the beaches – big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

— David Letterman

437. “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

— David Letterman

438. “Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.”

— David Letterman

439. “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

— David Letterman

440. “Wherever we’ve travelled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water.”

— David Letterman

441. “I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.”

— David Letterman

442. “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

— David Letterman

443. “They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.”

— David Letterman

444. “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

— David Letterman

445. “You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.”

— David Letterman

446. “Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.”

— David Letterman

447. “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

— David Letterman

448. “Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don’t want too many amateurs on in one night.”

— David Letterman

449. “Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying – because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.”

— David Letterman

450. “Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.”

— David Letterman