Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.”

— David Letterman

402. “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

— David Letterman

403. “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

404. “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

— David Letterman

405. “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

— David Letterman

406. “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

— David Letterman

407. “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

— David Letterman

408. “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

— David Letterman

409. “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

— David Letterman

410. “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

— David Letterman

411. “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

— David Letterman

412. “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

— David Letterman

413. “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

— David Letterman

414. “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

— David Letterman

415. “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

— David Letterman

416. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

417. “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

— David Letterman

418. “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

— David Letterman

419. “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

— David Letterman

420. “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

— David Letterman

421. “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

— David Letterman

422. “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

— David Letterman

423. “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

— David Letterman

424. “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

— David Letterman

425. “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

— David Letterman

426. “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

— David Letterman

427. “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

— David Letterman

428. “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

— David Letterman

429. “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

— David Letterman

430. “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

— David Letterman

431. “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

— David Letterman

432. “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

— David Letterman

433. “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

— David Letterman

434. “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

— David Letterman

435. “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

— David Letterman

436. “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

— David Letterman

437. “Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.”

— David Letterman

438. “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.”

— David Letterman

439. “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

— David Letterman

440. “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

— David Letterman

441. “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

— David Letterman

442. “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

— David Letterman

443. “I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.”

— David Letterman

444. “Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying – because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.”

— David Letterman

445. “You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.”

— David Letterman

446. “You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.”

— David Letterman

447. “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

— David Letterman

448. “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

— David Letterman

449. “And tar is washing up onto the beaches – big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

— David Letterman

450. “How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.”

— David Letterman