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Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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David Letterman Quote: “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

401. “I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

402. “What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy – like President Obama.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

403. “Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

404. “President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

405. “By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, ‘No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.’ And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

406. “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

407. “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

408. “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

409. “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

410. “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

411. “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

412. “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

413. “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

414. “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

415. “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

416. “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

417. “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

418. “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

419. “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

420. “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

421. “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

422. “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

423. “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

424. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

425. “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

426. “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

427. “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

428. “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

429. “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

430. “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

431. “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

432. “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

433. “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

434. “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

435. “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

436. “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

437. “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

438. “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

439. “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

440. “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.”

441. “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

442. “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

443. “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

444. “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.”

445. “This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.”

446. “Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.”

447. “The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.”

448. “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

449. “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

— David Letterman

David Letterman Quote: “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

450. “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

— David Letterman

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