Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

— David Letterman

402. “President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He’s going to rebuild the infrastructure. He’s going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he’ll try it here.”

— David Letterman

403. “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.”

— David Letterman

404. “Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad’s a little different. You’re blindfolded but no cigarette.”

— David Letterman

405. “Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats.”

— David Letterman

406. “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

— David Letterman

407. “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

— David Letterman

408. “Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won’t go away. I was thinking about this – if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn’t have this trouble.”

— David Letterman

409. “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

— David Letterman

410. “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

— David Letterman

411. “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

— David Letterman

412. “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

— David Letterman

413. “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

— David Letterman

414. “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

— David Letterman

415. “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

— David Letterman

416. “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

— David Letterman

417. “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

— David Letterman

418. “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

— David Letterman

419. “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

— David Letterman

420. “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

— David Letterman

421. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

422. “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

— David Letterman

423. “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

— David Letterman

424. “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

— David Letterman

425. “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

— David Letterman

426. “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

— David Letterman

427. “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

— David Letterman

428. “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

— David Letterman

429. “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

— David Letterman

430. “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

— David Letterman

431. “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

— David Letterman

432. “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

— David Letterman

433. “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

— David Letterman

434. “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

— David Letterman

435. “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

— David Letterman

436. “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

— David Letterman

437. “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

— David Letterman

438. “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

— David Letterman

439. “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

— David Letterman

440. “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

— David Letterman

441. “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

— David Letterman

442. “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

— David Letterman

443. “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

444. “Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

— David Letterman

445. “Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I’m thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn’t even get elected with the most votes?”

— David Letterman

446. “I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.”

— David Letterman

447. “Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying – because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.”

— David Letterman

448. “You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.”

— David Letterman

449. “You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.”

— David Letterman

450. “And tar is washing up onto the beaches – big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

— David Letterman