Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2025 Update)
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401. “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

402. “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

— David Letterman

403. “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

— David Letterman

404. “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

— David Letterman

405. “John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can’t name the foreign leaders. That’s all right, President Bush can’t name them either.”

— David Letterman

406. “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

— David Letterman

407. “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

— David Letterman

408. “I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.”

— David Letterman

409. “Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

— David Letterman

410. “The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?”

— David Letterman

411. “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

— David Letterman

412. “North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.”

— David Letterman

413. “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

— David Letterman

414. “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

— David Letterman

415. “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

— David Letterman

416. “Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’”

— David Letterman

417. “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

— David Letterman

418. “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

— David Letterman

419. “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

— David Letterman

420. “Ladies and gentlemen, after what I’ve been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.”

— David Letterman

421. “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

— David Letterman

422. “Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don’t want too many amateurs on in one night.”

— David Letterman

423. “Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying – because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.”

— David Letterman

424. “Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.”

— David Letterman

425. “How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.”

— David Letterman

426. “Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy – but now I know this guy is presidential material.”

— David Letterman

427. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

428. “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

— David Letterman

429. “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.”

— David Letterman

430. “A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.”

— David Letterman

431. “You know who’s also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That’s a real good idea – a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.”

— David Letterman

432. “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

— David Letterman

433. “Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’”

— David Letterman

434. “I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.”

— David Letterman

435. “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

— David Letterman

436. “Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for.”

— David Letterman

437. “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

— David Letterman

438. “Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.”

— David Letterman

439. “Quiet down, we don’t want to wake the Russians.”

— David Letterman

440. “The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.”

— David Letterman

441. “Sarah Palin’s book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.”

— David Letterman

442. “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

— David Letterman

443. “I’m still here. I knocked off another competitor.”

— David Letterman

444. “You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.”

— David Letterman

445. “Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.”

— David Letterman

446. “BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.”

— David Letterman

447. “Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.”

— David Letterman

448. “And tar is washing up onto the beaches – big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.”

— David Letterman

449. “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

— David Letterman

450. “Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.”

— David Letterman