Top 500 David Letterman Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again.”

— David Letterman

402. “One day you’re the leader of Iraq, the next day you’re being checked for fleas on FOX News.”

— David Letterman

403. “Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.”

— David Letterman

404. “Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

— David Letterman

405. “A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”

— David Letterman

406. “I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.”

— David Letterman

407. “I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.”

— David Letterman

408. “Guess who’s running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?”

— David Letterman

409. “Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.”

— David Letterman

410. “Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’”

— David Letterman

411. “All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.”

— David Letterman

412. “Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

— David Letterman

413. “There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.”

— David Letterman

414. “President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, ‘While you’re there, pick up your birth certificate.’”

— David Letterman

415. “You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

— David Letterman

416. “Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was ‘Keeping Up With the Gabors.’”

— David Letterman

417. “Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall.”

— David Letterman

418. “According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

— David Letterman

419. “Once you’re president, you can’t go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he’s chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president’s chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What’s the problem?”

— David Letterman

420. “Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.”

— David Letterman

421. “President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.”

— David Letterman

422. “Overall Bush’s European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.”

— David Letterman

423. “I wish the iPhone people would design one that’s black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.”

— David Letterman

424. “Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.”

— David Letterman

425. “Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.”

— David Letterman

426. “The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

— David Letterman

427. “Now all of us can talk to the NSA – just by dialing any number.”

— David Letterman

428. “Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.”

— David Letterman

429. “President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

— David Letterman

430. “There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.”

— David Letterman

431. “President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.’”

— David Letterman

432. “Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who’s going to run CBS?”

— David Letterman

433. “Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to “Operation Forget About Whitewater”.”

— David Letterman

434. “Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.”

— David Letterman

435. “Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.”

— David Letterman

436. “How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.”

— David Letterman

437. “Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy – but now I know this guy is presidential material.”

— David Letterman

438. “I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.”

— David Letterman

439. “Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don’t want too many amateurs on in one night.”

— David Letterman

440. “Quiet down, we don’t want to wake the Russians.”

— David Letterman

441. “Sarah Palin’s book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.”

— David Letterman

442. “I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.”

— David Letterman

443. “Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.”

— David Letterman

444. “Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it’s time for fresh faces. So that’s good news for Bruce Jenner.”

— David Letterman

445. “John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.”

— David Letterman

446. “Here’s a little known fact – Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.”

— David Letterman

447. “It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.”

— David Letterman

448. “They’re saying President Obama doesn’t have any friends. The problem is that he can’t get Congress to approve one.”

— David Letterman

449. “New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.”

— David Letterman

450. “People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States – the Kardashians.”

— David Letterman