Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

452. “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

— Jarod Kintz

453. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

454. “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

— Jarod Kintz

455. “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

— Jarod Kintz

456. “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

— Jarod Kintz

457. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz

458. “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

— Jarod Kintz

459. “My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

460. “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

— Jarod Kintz

461. “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

— Jarod Kintz

462. “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

— Jarod Kintz

463. “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

— Jarod Kintz

464. “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

— Jarod Kintz

465. “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

— Jarod Kintz

466. “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

— Jarod Kintz

467. “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

468. “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

— Jarod Kintz

469. “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

470. “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

— Jarod Kintz

471. “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

— Jarod Kintz

472. “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

— Jarod Kintz

473. “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

— Jarod Kintz

474. “If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

— Jarod Kintz

475. “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

— Jarod Kintz

476. “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

— Jarod Kintz

477. “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

— Jarod Kintz

478. “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

— Jarod Kintz

479. “Your fantasies define you, so dream carefully. A man with no imagination is a man with no future in today’s world – and no past in tomorrow’s.”

— Jarod Kintz

480. “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

— Jarod Kintz

481. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

482. “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

— Jarod Kintz

483. “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

— Jarod Kintz

484. “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

— Jarod Kintz

485. “A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.”

— Jarod Kintz

486. “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

— Jarod Kintz

487. “I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

488. “Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.”

— Jarod Kintz

489. “His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are? If so, I want to be called Al Auttalovetogive.”

— Jarod Kintz

490. “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

— Jarod Kintz

491. “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

— Jarod Kintz

492. “I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

— Jarod Kintz

493. “My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less – as if!”

— Jarod Kintz

494. “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”

— Jarod Kintz

495. “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

— Jarod Kintz

496. “Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”

— Jarod Kintz

497. “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

— Jarod Kintz

498. “I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”

— Jarod Kintz

499. “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”

— Jarod Kintz

500. “Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love.”

— Jarod Kintz