Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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451. “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

— Jarod Kintz

452. “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

— Jarod Kintz

453. “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

— Jarod Kintz

454. “Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”

— Jarod Kintz

455. “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

— Jarod Kintz

456. “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

— Jarod Kintz

457. “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

458. “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

— Jarod Kintz

459. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

— Jarod Kintz

460. “A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.”

— Jarod Kintz

461. “Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.”

— Jarod Kintz

462. “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

— Jarod Kintz

463. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

464. “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

— Jarod Kintz

465. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz

466. “I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”

— Jarod Kintz

467. “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

— Jarod Kintz

468. “Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.”

— Jarod Kintz

469. “A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?”

— Jarod Kintz

470. “It’s a fact that when it comes to dating, men are all visual. Well, except blind men.”

— Jarod Kintz

471. “His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are? If so, I want to be called Al Auttalovetogive.”

— Jarod Kintz

472. “The sky itches and that’s why I tickled it with the feather of a bird. Do you realize it’s been 14 days since two weeks ago? Boy, time flies.”

— Jarod Kintz

473. “Some baby shampoos say “No More Tears” on the bottle. What a scam. I want my shampoo made with 100% real baby tears.”

— Jarod Kintz

474. “I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m sure to find it.”

— Jarod Kintz

475. “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”

— Jarod Kintz

476. “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

— Jarod Kintz

477. “I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

— Jarod Kintz

478. “My rural erection didn’t impress the people in town, but I did have all the dairy farmers lining up to try to milk it.”

— Jarod Kintz

479. “You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.”

— Jarod Kintz

480. “I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom.”

— Jarod Kintz

481. “A record number of Americans need jobs. Hey, let’s start WWIII and create full employment for all. I should start selling coffins. Buy yours today before it’s too late.”

— Jarod Kintz

482. “I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

483. “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”

— Jarod Kintz

484. “I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.”

— Jarod Kintz

485. “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

— Jarod Kintz

486. “I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.”

— Jarod Kintz

487. “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”

— Jarod Kintz

488. “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

— Jarod Kintz

489. “My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less – as if!”

— Jarod Kintz

490. “I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”

— Jarod Kintz

491. “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

— Jarod Kintz

492. “If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.”

— Jarod Kintz

493. “I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.”

— Jarod Kintz

494. “An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents.”

— Jarod Kintz

495. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

496. “I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.”

— Jarod Kintz

497. “My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

— Jarod Kintz

498. “Where there’s a winner, there’s a loser, and always at the same time. Occasionally even in the same person.”

— Jarod Kintz

499. “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

500. “Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”

— Jarod Kintz