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Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “A record number of Americans need jobs. Hey, let’s start WWIII and create full employment for all. I should start selling coffins. Buy yours today before it’s too late.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “My rural erection didn’t impress the people in town, but I did have all the dairy farmers lining up to try to milk it.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I lost interest in her because she said the wrong thing. She said nothing.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less – as if!”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks” – only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.”
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