Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

452. “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

— Jarod Kintz

453. “She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like Helen Keller, with a wig and makeup, and I also made her look like Helen Keller in that she could look but she could not see.”

— Jarod Kintz

454. “I like to spoon after I fork.”

— Jarod Kintz

455. “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

— Jarod Kintz

456. “Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”

— Jarod Kintz

457. “Your fantasies define you, so dream carefully. A man with no imagination is a man with no future in today’s world – and no past in tomorrow’s.”

— Jarod Kintz

458. “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

— Jarod Kintz

459. “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

— Jarod Kintz

460. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

461. “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

— Jarod Kintz

462. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

463. “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

— Jarod Kintz

464. “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

— Jarod Kintz

465. “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.”

— Jarod Kintz

466. “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

— Jarod Kintz

467. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz

468. “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

— Jarod Kintz

469. “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

— Jarod Kintz

470. “My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

471. “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

— Jarod Kintz

472. “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

— Jarod Kintz

473. “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

— Jarod Kintz

474. “A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?”

— Jarod Kintz

475. “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

476. “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

— Jarod Kintz

477. “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

478. “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

— Jarod Kintz

479. “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

— Jarod Kintz

480. “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

— Jarod Kintz

481. “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

— Jarod Kintz

482. “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

— Jarod Kintz

483. “If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

— Jarod Kintz

484. “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

— Jarod Kintz

485. “When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.”

— Jarod Kintz

486. “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

— Jarod Kintz

487. “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

— Jarod Kintz

488. “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

— Jarod Kintz

489. “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

— Jarod Kintz

490. “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

— Jarod Kintz

491. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

492. “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

— Jarod Kintz

493. “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

— Jarod Kintz

494. “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

— Jarod Kintz

495. “An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents.”

— Jarod Kintz

496. “I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

497. “Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.”

— Jarod Kintz

498. “His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are? If so, I want to be called Al Auttalovetogive.”

— Jarod Kintz

499. “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

— Jarod Kintz

500. “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”

— Jarod Kintz