Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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451. “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

— Jarod Kintz

452. “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.”

— Jarod Kintz

453. “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

— Jarod Kintz

454. “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

— Jarod Kintz

455. “Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.”

— Jarod Kintz

456. “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

— Jarod Kintz

457. “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

— Jarod Kintz

458. “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

— Jarod Kintz

459. “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

— Jarod Kintz

460. “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

— Jarod Kintz

461. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

— Jarod Kintz

462. “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

— Jarod Kintz

463. “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

464. “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

— Jarod Kintz

465. “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

— Jarod Kintz

466. “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

467. “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

— Jarod Kintz

468. “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

— Jarod Kintz

469. “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

— Jarod Kintz

470. “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

— Jarod Kintz

471. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

472. “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

— Jarod Kintz

473. “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

— Jarod Kintz

474. “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

— Jarod Kintz

475. “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

— Jarod Kintz

476. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz

477. “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

— Jarod Kintz

478. “My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

479. “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

— Jarod Kintz

480. “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

— Jarod Kintz

481. “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

— Jarod Kintz

482. “A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?”

— Jarod Kintz

483. “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

— Jarod Kintz

484. “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

485. “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

— Jarod Kintz

486. “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

— Jarod Kintz

487. “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

488. “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

— Jarod Kintz

489. “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

— Jarod Kintz

490. “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

— Jarod Kintz

491. “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

— Jarod Kintz

492. “If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

— Jarod Kintz

493. “When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.”

— Jarod Kintz

494. “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

— Jarod Kintz

495. “I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”

— Jarod Kintz

496. “Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.”

— Jarod Kintz

497. “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”

— Jarod Kintz

498. “Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love.”

— Jarod Kintz

499. “I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.”

— Jarod Kintz

500. “An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents.”

— Jarod Kintz