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Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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Jarod Kintz Quote: “Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”

451. “Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Your fantasies define you, so dream carefully. A man with no imagination is a man with no future in today’s world – and no past in tomorrow’s.”

452. “Your fantasies define you, so dream carefully. A man with no imagination is a man with no future in today’s world – and no past in tomorrow’s.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

453. “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

454. “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

455. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

456. “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

457. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

458. “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

459. “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

460. “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.”

461. “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

462. “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

463. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

464. “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

465. “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.”

466. “Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

467. “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

468. “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

469. “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

470. “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

471. “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

472. “If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

473. “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.”

474. “When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Have you ever noticed that neither cats nor dogs ever laugh? I used to think I was doing something wrong, that maybe I needed to start telling better jokes. But no, all I needed to do was get a different audience. That’s when I discovered ducks.”

475. “Have you ever noticed that neither cats nor dogs ever laugh? I used to think I was doing something wrong, that maybe I needed to start telling better jokes. But no, all I needed to do was get a different audience. That’s when I discovered ducks.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

476. “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

477. “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

478. “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

479. “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

480. “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

481. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

482. “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

483. “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

484. “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

485. “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.”

486. “My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

487. “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

488. “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

489. “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?”

490. “A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

491. “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

492. “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

493. “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

494. “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

495. “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

496. “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

497. “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”

498. “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

499. “I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”

500. “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”

— Jarod Kintz

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