Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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451. “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

— Jarod Kintz

452. “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

— Jarod Kintz

453. “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

— Jarod Kintz

454. “I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”

— Jarod Kintz

455. “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

— Jarod Kintz

456. “Love is like whoa! Actually, it’s closer to woe.”

— Jarod Kintz

457. “I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.”

— Jarod Kintz

458. “Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”

— Jarod Kintz

459. “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

— Jarod Kintz

460. “Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.”

— Jarod Kintz

461. “I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

462. “People don’t blush when they’re embarrassed. White people blush when they’re embarrassed. Why so embarrassed, white people? Any skeletons in your closet? Oh yeah, that’s right – we’ve got more skeletons in our closet than anybody.”

— Jarod Kintz

463. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

— Jarod Kintz

464. “A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.”

— Jarod Kintz

465. “Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love.”

— Jarod Kintz

466. “Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.”

— Jarod Kintz

467. “If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ignorance?”

— Jarod Kintz

468. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

469. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

470. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz

471. “I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

472. “She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.”

— Jarod Kintz

473. “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

— Jarod Kintz

474. “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

— Jarod Kintz

475. “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

— Jarod Kintz

476. “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

— Jarod Kintz

477. “When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.”

— Jarod Kintz

478. “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

— Jarod Kintz

479. “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

— Jarod Kintz

480. “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

— Jarod Kintz

481. “My rural erection didn’t impress the people in town, but I did have all the dairy farmers lining up to try to milk it.”

— Jarod Kintz

482. “You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.”

— Jarod Kintz

483. “I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom.”

— Jarod Kintz

484. “A record number of Americans need jobs. Hey, let’s start WWIII and create full employment for all. I should start selling coffins. Buy yours today before it’s too late.”

— Jarod Kintz

485. “I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

486. “I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.”

— Jarod Kintz

487. “I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, “I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon.” Hopefully, with a little lunar luck, my track will also feature Corey Hart.”

— Jarod Kintz

488. “When Iceland’s volcano exploded and spewed ash all over Europe, blocking out the skies in 2010, I knew what the earth felt like, because that eruption is what love feels like to a human body.”

— Jarod Kintz

489. “I’ll give you a deal on the meat, cheese, rice, beans, tomatoes, and sour cream, but I’ll jack up the price of burritos and tacos. That’s also how I love.”

— Jarod Kintz

490. “I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.”

— Jarod Kintz

491. “If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.”

— Jarod Kintz

492. “She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up.”

— Jarod Kintz

493. “My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less – as if!”

— Jarod Kintz

494. “I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”

— Jarod Kintz

495. “There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.”

— Jarod Kintz

496. “If I promise you I’ll show up fifteen minutes late, I’ll always arrive on time.”

— Jarod Kintz

497. “I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.”

— Jarod Kintz

498. “If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks” – only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.”

— Jarod Kintz

499. “An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents.”

— Jarod Kintz

500. “I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.”

— Jarod Kintz