Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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351. “My birthday is on a holiday, I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”

— Jarod Kintz

352. “I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women.”

— Jarod Kintz

353. “They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.”

— Jarod Kintz

354. “Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!”

— Jarod Kintz

355. “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

— Jarod Kintz

356. “Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.”

— Jarod Kintz

357. “I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.”

— Jarod Kintz

358. “A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”

— Jarod Kintz

359. “A relationship is a sales process, and sometimes you must buy to sell, and when you sell it is to the benefit of both of you.”

— Jarod Kintz

360. “Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

361. “For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

— Jarod Kintz

362. “I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.”

— Jarod Kintz

363. “I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.”

— Jarod Kintz

364. “I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

365. “Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”

— Jarod Kintz

366. “Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.”

— Jarod Kintz

367. “Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not.”

— Jarod Kintz

368. “Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

— Jarod Kintz

369. “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.”

— Jarod Kintz

370. “I’m single, like a cheese slice individually wrapped in plastic.”

— Jarod Kintz

371. “It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless – you are clueless.”

— Jarod Kintz

372. “Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.”

— Jarod Kintz

373. “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”

— Jarod Kintz

374. “Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.”

— Jarod Kintz

375. “She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”

— Jarod Kintz

376. “My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?”

— Jarod Kintz

377. “In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”

— Jarod Kintz

378. “You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.”

— Jarod Kintz

379. “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”

— Jarod Kintz

380. “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

— Jarod Kintz

381. “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”

— Jarod Kintz

382. “I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”

— Jarod Kintz

383. “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

— Jarod Kintz

384. “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”

— Jarod Kintz

385. “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

— Jarod Kintz

386. “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

— Jarod Kintz

387. “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”

— Jarod Kintz

388. “I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”

— Jarod Kintz

389. “My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

— Jarod Kintz

390. “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

— Jarod Kintz

391. “My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary – A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.”

— Jarod Kintz

392. “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

— Jarod Kintz

393. “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

— Jarod Kintz

394. “I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

— Jarod Kintz

395. “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”

— Jarod Kintz

396. “I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.”

— Jarod Kintz

397. “The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol.”

— Jarod Kintz

398. “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”

— Jarod Kintz

399. “I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

— Jarod Kintz

400. “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

— Jarod Kintz