Top 100

Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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Jarod Kintz Quote: “Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it’s not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary – A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “A relationship is a sales process, and sometimes you must buy to sell, and when you sell it is to the benefit of both of you.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”
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