Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

352. “I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”

— Jarod Kintz

353. “I want to write a book called, “Bonfires and Bras,” which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.”

— Jarod Kintz

354. “For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

— Jarod Kintz

355. “I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.”

— Jarod Kintz

356. “The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol.”

— Jarod Kintz

357. “I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

— Jarod Kintz

358. “Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.”

— Jarod Kintz

359. “When Iceland’s volcano exploded and spewed ash all over Europe, blocking out the skies in 2010, I knew what the earth felt like, because that eruption is what love feels like to a human body.”

— Jarod Kintz

360. “I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.”

— Jarod Kintz

361. “Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

— Jarod Kintz

362. “My birthday is on a holiday, I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”

— Jarod Kintz

363. “I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

364. “A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”

— Jarod Kintz

365. “Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not.”

— Jarod Kintz

366. “I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria, the one that supposedly burnt down centuries ago. You wouldn’t tell me what words, what books, or give me any clues at all, so I just assumed those three words were I love you, and I thought about that while I made love to a being of light who made sure I was completely dry the whole time so I didn’t get electrocuted.”

— Jarod Kintz

367. “I wish a person could self-slap himself to wake up his conscience, like coffee does for consciousness.”

— Jarod Kintz

368. “My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

369. “I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.”

— Jarod Kintz

370. “I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

371. “They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.”

— Jarod Kintz

372. “On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.”

— Jarod Kintz

373. “I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”

— Jarod Kintz

374. “I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.”

— Jarod Kintz

375. “I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”

— Jarod Kintz

376. “I’m single, like a cheese slice individually wrapped in plastic.”

— Jarod Kintz

377. “Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.”

— Jarod Kintz

378. “My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

— Jarod Kintz

379. “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

— Jarod Kintz

380. “I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”

— Jarod Kintz

381. “It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless – you are clueless.”

— Jarod Kintz

382. “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

— Jarod Kintz

383. “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”

— Jarod Kintz

384. “Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!”

— Jarod Kintz

385. “I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.”

— Jarod Kintz

386. “Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

387. “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

— Jarod Kintz

388. “Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time.”

— Jarod Kintz

389. “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”

— Jarod Kintz

390. “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

— Jarod Kintz

391. “My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?”

— Jarod Kintz

392. “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

— Jarod Kintz

393. “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

— Jarod Kintz

394. “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

— Jarod Kintz

395. “I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”

— Jarod Kintz

396. “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”

— Jarod Kintz

397. “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

— Jarod Kintz

398. “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.”

— Jarod Kintz

399. “You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.”

— Jarod Kintz

400. “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

— Jarod Kintz