Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.”

— Jarod Kintz

352. “My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

353. “I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

354. “I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”

— Jarod Kintz

355. “I want to write a book called, “Bonfires and Bras,” which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.”

— Jarod Kintz

356. “I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.”

— Jarod Kintz

357. “For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”

— Jarod Kintz

358. “The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

— Jarod Kintz

359. “The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.”

— Jarod Kintz

360. “Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.”

— Jarod Kintz

361. “When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.”

— Jarod Kintz

362. “I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?”

— Jarod Kintz

363. “I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

364. “I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

— Jarod Kintz

365. “A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.”

— Jarod Kintz

366. “My birthday is on a holiday, I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”

— Jarod Kintz

367. “Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”

— Jarod Kintz

368. “I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

369. “A relationship is a sales process, and sometimes you must buy to sell, and when you sell it is to the benefit of both of you.”

— Jarod Kintz

370. “Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time.”

— Jarod Kintz

371. “Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not.”

— Jarod Kintz

372. “I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.”

— Jarod Kintz

373. “I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

374. “They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.”

— Jarod Kintz

375. “On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.”

— Jarod Kintz

376. “I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”

— Jarod Kintz

377. “I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”

— Jarod Kintz

378. “I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.”

— Jarod Kintz

379. “I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”

— Jarod Kintz

380. “I’m single, like a cheese slice individually wrapped in plastic.”

— Jarod Kintz

381. “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.”

— Jarod Kintz

382. “You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.”

— Jarod Kintz

383. “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

— Jarod Kintz

384. “I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.”

— Jarod Kintz

385. “It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless – you are clueless.”

— Jarod Kintz

386. “The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol.”

— Jarod Kintz

387. “I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

— Jarod Kintz

388. “Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for fried bald eagles.”

— Jarod Kintz

389. “When Iceland’s volcano exploded and spewed ash all over Europe, blocking out the skies in 2010, I knew what the earth felt like, because that eruption is what love feels like to a human body.”

— Jarod Kintz

390. “I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.”

— Jarod Kintz

391. “Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

— Jarod Kintz

392. “I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

393. “A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”

— Jarod Kintz

394. “Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.”

— Jarod Kintz

395. “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”

— Jarod Kintz

396. “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

— Jarod Kintz

397. “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”

— Jarod Kintz

398. “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

— Jarod Kintz

399. “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

— Jarod Kintz

400. “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

— Jarod Kintz