Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

— Jarod Kintz

402. “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

— Jarod Kintz

403. “I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

— Jarod Kintz

404. “Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it.”

— Jarod Kintz

405. “My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs.”

— Jarod Kintz

406. “I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.”

— Jarod Kintz

407. “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

— Jarod Kintz

408. “I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

— Jarod Kintz

409. “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”

— Jarod Kintz

410. “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

— Jarod Kintz

411. “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

— Jarod Kintz

412. “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”

— Jarod Kintz

413. “In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”

— Jarod Kintz

414. “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

— Jarod Kintz

415. “I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”

— Jarod Kintz

416. “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”

— Jarod Kintz

417. “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

— Jarod Kintz

418. “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”

— Jarod Kintz

419. “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

— Jarod Kintz

420. “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”

— Jarod Kintz

421. “We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”

— Jarod Kintz

422. “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

— Jarod Kintz

423. “It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.”

— Jarod Kintz

424. “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

— Jarod Kintz

425. “She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”

— Jarod Kintz

426. “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

— Jarod Kintz

427. “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

— Jarod Kintz

428. “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

— Jarod Kintz

429. “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

— Jarod Kintz

430. “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

— Jarod Kintz

431. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

— Jarod Kintz

432. “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

— Jarod Kintz

433. “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

434. “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

— Jarod Kintz

435. “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

436. “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

— Jarod Kintz

437. “She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like Helen Keller, with a wig and makeup, and I also made her look like Helen Keller in that she could look but she could not see.”

— Jarod Kintz

438. “I like to spoon after I fork.”

— Jarod Kintz

439. “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

— Jarod Kintz

440. “Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”

— Jarod Kintz

441. “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

— Jarod Kintz

442. “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

— Jarod Kintz

443. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

444. “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

— Jarod Kintz

445. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

446. “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

— Jarod Kintz

447. “A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.”

— Jarod Kintz

448. “Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.”

— Jarod Kintz

449. “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

— Jarod Kintz

450. “I am restless when I rest. I sleep like I’m engaged in an invisible wrestling match. Naturally, I almost always win.”

— Jarod Kintz