Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

— Jarod Kintz

402. “I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.”

— Jarod Kintz

403. “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

— Jarod Kintz

404. “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

— Jarod Kintz

405. “We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”

— Jarod Kintz

406. “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

— Jarod Kintz

407. “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

— Jarod Kintz

408. “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”

— Jarod Kintz

409. “I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.”

— Jarod Kintz

410. “Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it.”

— Jarod Kintz

411. “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

— Jarod Kintz

412. “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

— Jarod Kintz

413. “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

— Jarod Kintz

414. “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

— Jarod Kintz

415. “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

— Jarod Kintz

416. “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

— Jarod Kintz

417. “I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”

— Jarod Kintz

418. “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

— Jarod Kintz

419. “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

— Jarod Kintz

420. “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

— Jarod Kintz

421. “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

— Jarod Kintz

422. “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

— Jarod Kintz

423. “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

— Jarod Kintz

424. “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

— Jarod Kintz

425. “I like to spoon after I fork.”

— Jarod Kintz

426. “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

— Jarod Kintz

427. “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

— Jarod Kintz

428. “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

— Jarod Kintz

429. “It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.”

— Jarod Kintz

430. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

431. “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

— Jarod Kintz

432. “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

— Jarod Kintz

433. “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

434. “Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.”

— Jarod Kintz

435. “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

— Jarod Kintz

436. “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

— Jarod Kintz

437. “My late summer shorts caught fire, and that’s when all the red of autumn began. We fell in love while she roasted marshmallows over my toasty genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

438. “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

— Jarod Kintz

439. “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

— Jarod Kintz

440. “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

441. “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.”

— Jarod Kintz

442. “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

— Jarod Kintz

443. “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

— Jarod Kintz

444. “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

— Jarod Kintz

445. “People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?”

— Jarod Kintz

446. “Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time.”

— Jarod Kintz

447. “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

— Jarod Kintz

448. “To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”

— Jarod Kintz

449. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

450. “Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”

— Jarod Kintz