Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

— Jarod Kintz

402. “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

— Jarod Kintz

403. “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”

— Jarod Kintz

404. “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

— Jarod Kintz

405. “It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.”

— Jarod Kintz

406. “Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.”

— Jarod Kintz

407. “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

— Jarod Kintz

408. “I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”

— Jarod Kintz

409. “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

— Jarod Kintz

410. “I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

— Jarod Kintz

411. “Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it.”

— Jarod Kintz

412. “I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.”

— Jarod Kintz

413. “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”

— Jarod Kintz

414. “In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”

— Jarod Kintz

415. “Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!”

— Jarod Kintz

416. “I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.”

— Jarod Kintz

417. “Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

418. “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

— Jarod Kintz

419. “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”

— Jarod Kintz

420. “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

— Jarod Kintz

421. “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

— Jarod Kintz

422. “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

— Jarod Kintz

423. “My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

— Jarod Kintz

424. “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

— Jarod Kintz

425. “My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs.”

— Jarod Kintz

426. “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

— Jarod Kintz

427. “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

— Jarod Kintz

428. “I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

— Jarod Kintz

429. “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”

— Jarod Kintz

430. “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

— Jarod Kintz

431. “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

— Jarod Kintz

432. “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”

— Jarod Kintz

433. “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

— Jarod Kintz

434. “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

— Jarod Kintz

435. “I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”

— Jarod Kintz

436. “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”

— Jarod Kintz

437. “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

— Jarod Kintz

438. “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

— Jarod Kintz

439. “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

— Jarod Kintz

440. “She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like Helen Keller, with a wig and makeup, and I also made her look like Helen Keller in that she could look but she could not see.”

— Jarod Kintz

441. “I like to spoon after I fork.”

— Jarod Kintz

442. “Your fantasies define you, so dream carefully. A man with no imagination is a man with no future in today’s world – and no past in tomorrow’s.”

— Jarod Kintz

443. “Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.”

— Jarod Kintz

444. “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

— Jarod Kintz

445. “Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.”

— Jarod Kintz

446. “Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”

— Jarod Kintz

447. “Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.”

— Jarod Kintz

448. “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

— Jarod Kintz

449. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

450. “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

— Jarod Kintz