Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “I’ve been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won’t move his car.”

— Jarod Kintz

402. “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

— Jarod Kintz

403. “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

— Jarod Kintz

404. “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

— Jarod Kintz

405. “I like to spoon after I fork.”

— Jarod Kintz

406. “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

— Jarod Kintz

407. “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

— Jarod Kintz

408. “I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.”

— Jarod Kintz

409. “I want to get the words “Courage” and “Bravery” tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.”

— Jarod Kintz

410. “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

— Jarod Kintz

411. “A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.”

— Jarod Kintz

412. “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

— Jarod Kintz

413. “All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions.”

— Jarod Kintz

414. “Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.”

— Jarod Kintz

415. “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

— Jarod Kintz

416. “Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.”

— Jarod Kintz

417. “I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November.”

— Jarod Kintz

418. “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

— Jarod Kintz

419. “I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated.”

— Jarod Kintz

420. “I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”

— Jarod Kintz

421. “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

422. “I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I’d throw it off a cliff.”

— Jarod Kintz

423. “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

— Jarod Kintz

424. “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

— Jarod Kintz

425. “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

— Jarod Kintz

426. “I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes.”

— Jarod Kintz

427. “Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time.”

— Jarod Kintz

428. “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

— Jarod Kintz

429. “I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”

— Jarod Kintz

430. “If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”

— Jarod Kintz

431. “Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”

— Jarod Kintz

432. “I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.”

— Jarod Kintz

433. “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

— Jarod Kintz

434. “I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called – you guessed it – Cock Tease.”

— Jarod Kintz

435. “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

— Jarod Kintz

436. “Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

— Jarod Kintz

437. “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

— Jarod Kintz

438. “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

— Jarod Kintz

439. “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

— Jarod Kintz

440. “I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

— Jarod Kintz

441. “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

— Jarod Kintz

442. “I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.”

— Jarod Kintz

443. “It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless – you are clueless.”

— Jarod Kintz

444. “If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.”

— Jarod Kintz

445. “I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.”

— Jarod Kintz

446. “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

— Jarod Kintz

447. “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

448. “I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

— Jarod Kintz

449. “The only thing I could love more than you is two of you. And I suppose three.”

— Jarod Kintz

450. “I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”

— Jarod Kintz