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Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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Jarod Kintz Quote: “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

401. “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

402. “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”

403. “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”

404. “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

405. “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

406. “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

407. “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

408. “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

409. “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”

410. “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

411. “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.”

412. “It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

413. “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.”

414. “Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”

415. “I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

416. “I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

417. “I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

418. “I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it.”

419. “Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for a walk, but I’m sitting on it.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.”

420. “I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

421. “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

422. “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”

423. “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

424. “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

425. “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”

426. “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

427. “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

428. “Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”

429. “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

430. “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

431. “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

432. “My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

433. “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

434. “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs.”

435. “My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

436. “I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”

437. “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

438. “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

439. “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

440. “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

441. “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

442. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

443. “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

444. “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

445. “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

446. “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like Helen Keller, with a wig and makeup, and I also made her look like Helen Keller in that she could look but she could not see.”

447. “She’s ultra conservative, while I am ultraviolet. I would show, but I’m beyond what anybody can see. I made her look like Helen Keller, with a wig and makeup, and I also made her look like Helen Keller in that she could look but she could not see.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I like to spoon after I fork.”

448. “I like to spoon after I fork.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

449. “I have the mannerisms of a mannequin. If you want to see me naked, you’re going to have to buy the clothes on my body.”

— Jarod Kintz

Jarod Kintz Quote: “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

450. “I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought was love, was actually lasagna. Still, I cling to my maxim: love is tasty.”

— Jarod Kintz

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