Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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401. “The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.”

— Jarod Kintz

402. “In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.”

— Jarod Kintz

403. “Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!”

— Jarod Kintz

404. “Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.”

— Jarod Kintz

405. “I’m so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I’m finally ready to enter into organized crime.”

— Jarod Kintz

406. “Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.”

— Jarod Kintz

407. “A volt is a measure of power, and the same can be said when people revolt.”

— Jarod Kintz

408. “If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The answer is: Whichever one is a banker.”

— Jarod Kintz

409. “There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.”

— Jarod Kintz

410. “I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.”

— Jarod Kintz

411. “Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?”

— Jarod Kintz

412. “I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.”

— Jarod Kintz

413. “He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”

— Jarod Kintz

414. “I’ve got a lot of love to give. Did I say give? I meant to say sell.”

— Jarod Kintz

415. “I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there.”

— Jarod Kintz

416. “A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.”

— Jarod Kintz

417. “It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.”

— Jarod Kintz

418. “Apart from naked, nude is the best way to answer the door. I hope the pizza guy loved my big tip.”

— Jarod Kintz

419. “My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

— Jarod Kintz

420. “While I appear to be happy and giggling, rest assured that inside I am sad. And angry. Like that one time – Feb 14, 1997, at 1:47 pm to be exact – when John Beaverthief stole my girlfriend. He snatched her from the shelf of my life like she was a trophy wife. But she was no trophy; she was more of a maquette.”

— Jarod Kintz

421. “My currency is kindness, and while there are no ATMs that dispense it, it’s also not accepted or recognized at strip clubs.”

— Jarod Kintz

422. “We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.”

— Jarod Kintz

423. “I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

— Jarod Kintz

424. “I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”

— Jarod Kintz

425. “Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.”

— Jarod Kintz

426. “People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. I’m stagnating upwards.”

— Jarod Kintz

427. “I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

— Jarod Kintz

428. “I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.”

— Jarod Kintz

429. “I wouldn’t say I’m superficial, just averagely ficial.”

— Jarod Kintz

430. “My hands will get dirty holding your rose-shaped heart, because love is like gardening – it’s earthy and takes work to keep it alive.”

— Jarod Kintz

431. “I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”

— Jarod Kintz

432. “Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold.”

— Jarod Kintz

433. “I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.”

— Jarod Kintz

434. “Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”

— Jarod Kintz

435. “Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.”

— Jarod Kintz

436. “I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.”

— Jarod Kintz

437. “In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.”

— Jarod Kintz

438. “You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours.”

— Jarod Kintz

439. “To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.”

— Jarod Kintz

440. “Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.”

— Jarod Kintz

441. “The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”

— Jarod Kintz

442. “The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

— Jarod Kintz

443. “Stir a smile in your coffee, and see if that brings out your inner unicorn. Then fry up a few rainbows. I like mine with extra blue and green.”

— Jarod Kintz

444. “I object to that object that’s made of bronze and shaped like my clone. It should be made of gold, and shaped like me.”

— Jarod Kintz

445. “I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.”

— Jarod Kintz

446. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry for a minor stab wound.”

— Jarod Kintz

447. “I want to create a seventeen-syllable word that encompasses the human condition, and then use that word to form the world’s most perfect haiku.”

— Jarod Kintz

448. “I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

449. “I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”

— Jarod Kintz

450. “Strangers sometimes call me Mr. Kintz, and I don’t mind. But I would if I were a hermaphrodite. Then I’d probably want to be called Mr. and Mrs. Kintz.”

— Jarod Kintz