Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence.”

— Jarod Kintz

52. “How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.”

— Jarod Kintz

53. “I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.”

— Jarod Kintz

54. “I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”

— Jarod Kintz

55. “I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”

— Jarod Kintz

56. “One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides.”

— Jarod Kintz

57. “Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.”

— Jarod Kintz

58. “Grandmother hates it when I do the “turkey dance.” Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn’t understand modern dance.”

— Jarod Kintz

59. “My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.”

— Jarod Kintz

60. “If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.”

— Jarod Kintz

61. “I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.”

— Jarod Kintz

62. “Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can’t run with them, or spread them?”

— Jarod Kintz

63. “I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”

— Jarod Kintz

64. “There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t.”

— Jarod Kintz

65. “It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.”

— Jarod Kintz

66. “You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.”

— Jarod Kintz

67. “It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.”

— Jarod Kintz

68. “I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.”

— Jarod Kintz

69. “With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?”

— Jarod Kintz

70. “The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.”

— Jarod Kintz

71. “People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.”?”

— Jarod Kintz

72. “Reading – it’s the third best thing to do in bed.”

— Jarod Kintz

73. “The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her.”

— Jarod Kintz

74. “Rain soup is best served cold, an upside-down umbrella makes a good bowl, and I wash dishes by hand – the same way I make love to myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

75. “Where there’s a winner, there’s a loser, and always at the same time. Occasionally even in the same person.”

— Jarod Kintz

76. “My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?”

— Jarod Kintz

77. “I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot.”

— Jarod Kintz

78. “I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.”

— Jarod Kintz

79. “Yesterday I saved a baby, a boy, a man, and an old man from death, and all by simply not impregnating anybody. But I don’t consider myself a hero. Merely heroic, and also unable to reach any of my lady friends on the phone.”

— Jarod Kintz

80. “The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

81. “99% of the population is afraid of public speaking, and of the remaining 1%, 99% of them have nothing original and interesting to say.”

— Jarod Kintz

82. “I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag with dirt, because my goal is to be the largest land holder in the world by the time I’m 42.”

— Jarod Kintz

83. “If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.”

— Jarod Kintz

84. “I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.”

— Jarod Kintz

85. “I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.”

— Jarod Kintz

86. “I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.”

— Jarod Kintz

87. “Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it.”

— Jarod Kintz

88. “Pride must be a summer thing, because it “comes before the fall.”

— Jarod Kintz

89. “I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”

— Jarod Kintz

90. “A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate – even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.”

— Jarod Kintz

91. “I’ve demanded of myself to be more demanding of others.”

— Jarod Kintz

92. “I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.”

— Jarod Kintz

93. “I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.”

— Jarod Kintz

94. “Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”

— Jarod Kintz

95. “I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.”

— Jarod Kintz

96. “I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.”

— Jarod Kintz

97. “The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?”

— Jarod Kintz

98. “I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.”

— Jarod Kintz

99. “Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.”

— Jarod Kintz

100. “I build myself up from nothing, using only my bare hands and an assortment of Legos. I’m not the sort of man you want to step on. Ouch!”

— Jarod Kintz