Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.”

— Jarod Kintz

202. “I told her, “I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.”

— Jarod Kintz

203. “My gas tank is on empty, but my erection is on full. Still, it would be wise to stop the car before I pump.”

— Jarod Kintz

204. “In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.”

— Jarod Kintz

205. “I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow’s newspaper.”

— Jarod Kintz

206. “My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.”

— Jarod Kintz

207. “Love is a gift that costs nothing to give. Love is also the most valuable thing in the world. Think about that next time you’re tempted to call me a cheap bastard because I didn’t buy you a birthday present.”

— Jarod Kintz

208. “I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser.”

— Jarod Kintz

209. “If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.”

— Jarod Kintz

210. “I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

211. “The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason to see her again.”

— Jarod Kintz

212. “If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.”

— Jarod Kintz

213. “If flowers were boogers, I’d pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

— Jarod Kintz

214. “Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I’ve always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.”

— Jarod Kintz

215. “Sometimes I get depressed about my age. In March I’ll be 26. If man weren’t measured in numbers, but rather letters, I’d be turning Z. And then I’d be dead.”

— Jarod Kintz

216. “I laced up my sneakers, but not with the intention to sneak around. I was just going to skulk for a bit, when out of the blue I discovered my green thumb and ended up doing a bit of gardening. I really had no idea I was such a badass until that moment.”

— Jarod Kintz

217. “Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.”

— Jarod Kintz

218. “I want to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.”

— Jarod Kintz

219. “I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.”

— Jarod Kintz

220. “I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.”

— Jarod Kintz

221. “I’m about to get my grind on. My coffee grind. Like a true hustler.”

— Jarod Kintz

222. “If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?”

— Jarod Kintz

223. “She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience – and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones.”

— Jarod Kintz

224. “I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”

— Jarod Kintz

225. “I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.”

— Jarod Kintz

226. “I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

227. “I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!”

— Jarod Kintz

228. “The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.”

— Jarod Kintz

229. “I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.”

— Jarod Kintz

230. “I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.”

— Jarod Kintz

231. “When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu.”

— Jarod Kintz

232. “The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.”

— Jarod Kintz

233. “I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.”

— Jarod Kintz

234. “The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache – on a man who runs his mouth all the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

235. “Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one.”

— Jarod Kintz

236. “I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”

— Jarod Kintz

237. “I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?”

— Jarod Kintz

238. “The sky was as blue as orange could get. I love sunsets at noon, and forks disguised as spoons.”

— Jarod Kintz

239. “I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

— Jarod Kintz

240. “I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.”

— Jarod Kintz

241. “Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.”

— Jarod Kintz

242. “I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

243. “I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking to conch shells, but he did listen to what they had to say about the ocean.”

— Jarod Kintz

244. “I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.”

— Jarod Kintz

245. “I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”

— Jarod Kintz

246. “I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

247. “The coast is clear. Not a beached whale in sight.”

— Jarod Kintz

248. “Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.”

— Jarod Kintz

249. “I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

250. “Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?”

— Jarod Kintz