Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “A plan won’t fly without dedication, perseverance, or wings. A plane won’t fly without those things either, though of those three things, wings are the most unnecessary.”

— Jarod Kintz

102. “I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”

— Jarod Kintz

103. “I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy.”

— Jarod Kintz

104. “A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate – even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.”

— Jarod Kintz

105. “Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”

— Jarod Kintz

106. “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”

— Jarod Kintz

107. “I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.”

— Jarod Kintz

108. “I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.”

— Jarod Kintz

109. “I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.”

— Jarod Kintz

110. “When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out some doors need to be pulled to be opened. I like to walk into places like a duck that’s just finished running a marathon.”

— Jarod Kintz

111. “Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?”

— Jarod Kintz

112. “The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?”

— Jarod Kintz

113. “I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.”

— Jarod Kintz

114. “Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.”

— Jarod Kintz

115. “I build myself up from nothing, using only my bare hands and an assortment of Legos. I’m not the sort of man you want to step on. Ouch!”

— Jarod Kintz

116. “Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool.”

— Jarod Kintz

117. “I got a boob job on my butt, and be honest here, does this bra make my ass look fat?”

— Jarod Kintz

118. “I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

119. “Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.”

— Jarod Kintz

120. “Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.”

— Jarod Kintz

121. “When stuck in outer space, moonwalk home. I can dance as well as any hitchhiker in the galaxy, and you can 42 off if you don’t believe me.”

— Jarod Kintz

122. “Water-flavored lollipops that flow upwards on a stick, that’s what cats want. I would make that, but I’m too busy making duck soup that’s so advanced I got the formula from the year 2244.”

— Jarod Kintz

123. “Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.”

— Jarod Kintz

124. “We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.”

— Jarod Kintz

125. “Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”

— Jarod Kintz

126. “When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.”

— Jarod Kintz

127. “I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

128. “My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.”

— Jarod Kintz

129. “If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”

— Jarod Kintz

130. “A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park.”

— Jarod Kintz

131. “I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late – they’re not even coming!”

— Jarod Kintz

132. “For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.”

— Jarod Kintz

133. “To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”

— Jarod Kintz

134. “You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”

— Jarod Kintz

135. “I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”

— Jarod Kintz

136. “The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”

— Jarod Kintz

137. “If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”

— Jarod Kintz

138. “I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”

— Jarod Kintz

139. “I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.”

— Jarod Kintz

140. “I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

141. “A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.”

— Jarod Kintz

142. “The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.”

— Jarod Kintz

143. “I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”

— Jarod Kintz

144. “Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

145. “I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.”

— Jarod Kintz

146. “I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.”

— Jarod Kintz

147. “I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter.”

— Jarod Kintz

148. “I want a shower the size of the Sydney Opera House, because you know damn well I sing in the shower. And I might as well make millions off my cleanliness.”

— Jarod Kintz

149. “I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

150. “In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.”

— Jarod Kintz