Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.”

— Jarod Kintz

102. “I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.”

— Jarod Kintz

103. “When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out some doors need to be pulled to be opened. I like to walk into places like a duck that’s just finished running a marathon.”

— Jarod Kintz

104. “Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?”

— Jarod Kintz

105. “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”

— Jarod Kintz

106. “The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?”

— Jarod Kintz

107. “I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.”

— Jarod Kintz

108. “Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.”

— Jarod Kintz

109. “I build myself up from nothing, using only my bare hands and an assortment of Legos. I’m not the sort of man you want to step on. Ouch!”

— Jarod Kintz

110. “Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool.”

— Jarod Kintz

111. “I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.”

— Jarod Kintz

112. “Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.”

— Jarod Kintz

113. “Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.”

— Jarod Kintz

114. “When stuck in outer space, moonwalk home. I can dance as well as any hitchhiker in the galaxy, and you can 42 off if you don’t believe me.”

— Jarod Kintz

115. “Water-flavored lollipops that flow upwards on a stick, that’s what cats want. I would make that, but I’m too busy making duck soup that’s so advanced I got the formula from the year 2244.”

— Jarod Kintz

116. “Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.”

— Jarod Kintz

117. “We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.”

— Jarod Kintz

118. “Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”

— Jarod Kintz

119. “When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.”

— Jarod Kintz

120. “I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

121. “My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end.”

— Jarod Kintz

122. “My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.”

— Jarod Kintz

123. “If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”

— Jarod Kintz

124. “I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late – they’re not even coming!”

— Jarod Kintz

125. “To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”

— Jarod Kintz

126. “For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.”

— Jarod Kintz

127. “I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”

— Jarod Kintz

128. “You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”

— Jarod Kintz

129. “The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”

— Jarod Kintz

130. “If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”

— Jarod Kintz

131. “I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.”

— Jarod Kintz

132. “I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

133. “A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.”

— Jarod Kintz

134. “I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”

— Jarod Kintz

135. “The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.”

— Jarod Kintz

136. “I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.”

— Jarod Kintz

137. “Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

138. “I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”

— Jarod Kintz

139. “I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

140. “I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter.”

— Jarod Kintz

141. “I want a shower the size of the Sydney Opera House, because you know damn well I sing in the shower. And I might as well make millions off my cleanliness.”

— Jarod Kintz

142. “The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.”

— Jarod Kintz

143. “I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.”

— Jarod Kintz

144. “In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.”

— Jarod Kintz

145. “Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave.”

— Jarod Kintz

146. “You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife’s naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”

— Jarod Kintz

147. “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”

— Jarod Kintz

148. “If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.”

— Jarod Kintz

149. “The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.”

— Jarod Kintz

150. “Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.”

— Jarod Kintz