Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”

— Jarod Kintz

102. “When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.”

— Jarod Kintz

103. “We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.”

— Jarod Kintz

104. “I believe the love shared between two people shouldn’t be secretly shared with a third. Not even if I am vacationing on the moon, and that third person is my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

105. “My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end.”

— Jarod Kintz

106. “My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.”

— Jarod Kintz

107. “If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”

— Jarod Kintz

108. “I want to scream sometimes, because I hate when people refer to a dead person as the “late” so and so. I’m sorry to break that bad news, but that person isn’t just late – they’re not even coming!”

— Jarod Kintz

109. “I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.”

— Jarod Kintz

110. “To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”

— Jarod Kintz

111. “You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”

— Jarod Kintz

112. “If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”

— Jarod Kintz

113. “I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.”

— Jarod Kintz

114. “The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.”

— Jarod Kintz

115. “I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

116. “The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.”

— Jarod Kintz

117. “A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.”

— Jarod Kintz

118. “I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.”

— Jarod Kintz

119. “I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.”

— Jarod Kintz

120. “I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

121. “I want a shower the size of the Sydney Opera House, because you know damn well I sing in the shower. And I might as well make millions off my cleanliness.”

— Jarod Kintz

122. “I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”

— Jarod Kintz

123. “Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

124. “I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was a US politician’s ideal voter.”

— Jarod Kintz

125. “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn’t burned down, you don’t have cancer, and your daughter hasn’t been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”

— Jarod Kintz

126. “In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.”

— Jarod Kintz

127. “If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.”

— Jarod Kintz

128. “The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.”

— Jarod Kintz

129. “You can tell a lot about a person’s character by how they do life’s menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife’s naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”

— Jarod Kintz

130. “Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave.”

— Jarod Kintz

131. “I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.”

— Jarod Kintz

132. “Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.”

— Jarod Kintz

133. “I toss and turn so much in my sleep that the very act of sleeping must be exhausting for me. Sleeping makes me want to sleep even more.”

— Jarod Kintz

134. “My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence.”

— Jarod Kintz

135. “Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.”

— Jarod Kintz

136. “I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.”

— Jarod Kintz

137. “This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”

— Jarod Kintz

138. “I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?”

— Jarod Kintz

139. “My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”

— Jarod Kintz

140. “If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?”

— Jarod Kintz

141. “Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”

— Jarod Kintz

142. “Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.”

— Jarod Kintz

143. “Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”

— Jarod Kintz

144. “The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.”

— Jarod Kintz

145. “The number 12 is good, the number 123 is better, but the number one is still the best.”

— Jarod Kintz

146. “There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.”

— Jarod Kintz

147. “I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.”

— Jarod Kintz

148. “We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

— Jarod Kintz

149. “When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.”

— Jarod Kintz

150. “I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.”

— Jarod Kintz