Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.”

— Jarod Kintz

152. “Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”

— Jarod Kintz

153. “The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.”

— Jarod Kintz

154. “There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.”

— Jarod Kintz

155. “I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

156. “When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.”

— Jarod Kintz

157. “The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.”

— Jarod Kintz

158. “If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”

— Jarod Kintz

159. “When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”

— Jarod Kintz

160. “We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

— Jarod Kintz

161. “I’d like to file a missing person’s report – on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.”

— Jarod Kintz

162. “Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don’t write it down it decomposes in my head.”

— Jarod Kintz

163. “I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.”

— Jarod Kintz

164. “I thirst for love like a camel thirsts for water. I’m going through a desert right now, but I’m searching for the oasis of my life.”

— Jarod Kintz

165. “The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it.”

— Jarod Kintz

166. “If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

— Jarod Kintz

167. “I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?”

— Jarod Kintz

168. “I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.”

— Jarod Kintz

169. “I’m a bean counter. Oh, I’m not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter.”

— Jarod Kintz

170. “After lunch, we made love like it was the 4th of July. And because it was the 4th of July, it felt exceptionally patriotic. I even wore my British flag t-shirt to commemorate the evening.”

— Jarod Kintz

171. “My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.”

— Jarod Kintz

172. “I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.”

— Jarod Kintz

173. “I want to remember our fallen heroes. And after I’ve spent a day remembering them, I want to extend my arm and help them up.”

— Jarod Kintz

174. “I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.”

— Jarod Kintz

175. “Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz

176. “Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top – however, you must understand that I would do anything, but I won’t do that.”

— Jarod Kintz

177. “33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.”

— Jarod Kintz

178. “Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.”

— Jarod Kintz

179. “My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.”

— Jarod Kintz

180. “My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled – or told him I loved him.”

— Jarod Kintz

181. “If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.”

— Jarod Kintz

182. “If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”

— Jarod Kintz

183. “I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

184. “I promised her the world, but instead I bought her a globe.”

— Jarod Kintz

185. “I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.”

— Jarod Kintz

186. “I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.”

— Jarod Kintz

187. “If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.”

— Jarod Kintz

188. “Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too.”

— Jarod Kintz

189. “My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”

— Jarod Kintz

190. “Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.”

— Jarod Kintz

191. “I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.”

— Jarod Kintz

192. “If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”

— Jarod Kintz

193. “I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!”

— Jarod Kintz

194. “On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

— Jarod Kintz

195. “I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place.”

— Jarod Kintz

196. “I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.”

— Jarod Kintz

197. “Love is a tomato. And while it’s true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.”

— Jarod Kintz

198. “Let’s make love in the library – in the romance section.”

— Jarod Kintz

199. “I told her, “I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.”

— Jarod Kintz

200. “My gas tank is on empty, but my erection is on full. Still, it would be wise to stop the car before I pump.”

— Jarod Kintz