Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “I toss and turn so much in my sleep that the very act of sleeping must be exhausting for me. Sleeping makes me want to sleep even more.”

— Jarod Kintz

152. “Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.”

— Jarod Kintz

153. “Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.”

— Jarod Kintz

154. “This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.”

— Jarod Kintz

155. “I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.”

— Jarod Kintz

156. “Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”

— Jarod Kintz

157. “In flew influence, and out fluttered humility. Be like a butterfly and a flower – beautiful and sought after, yet unassuming and gentle.”

— Jarod Kintz

158. “If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?”

— Jarod Kintz

159. “I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?”

— Jarod Kintz

160. “My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.”

— Jarod Kintz

161. “I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.”

— Jarod Kintz

162. “When red fights with white, pink is always the winner. Let that be a lesson in love.”

— Jarod Kintz

163. “I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

164. “The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it.”

— Jarod Kintz

165. “Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”

— Jarod Kintz

166. “The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.”

— Jarod Kintz

167. “The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.”

— Jarod Kintz

168. “There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.”

— Jarod Kintz

169. “When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”

— Jarod Kintz

170. “If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”

— Jarod Kintz

171. “I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.”

— Jarod Kintz

172. “If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

— Jarod Kintz

173. “Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top – however, you must understand that I would do anything, but I won’t do that.”

— Jarod Kintz

174. “I thirst for love like a camel thirsts for water. I’m going through a desert right now, but I’m searching for the oasis of my life.”

— Jarod Kintz

175. “We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

— Jarod Kintz

176. “I don’t understand people who say they need more “Me Time.” What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else’s body?”

— Jarod Kintz

177. “I want to remember our fallen heroes. And after I’ve spent a day remembering them, I want to extend my arm and help them up.”

— Jarod Kintz

178. “I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.”

— Jarod Kintz

179. “Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don’t write it down it decomposes in my head.”

— Jarod Kintz

180. “I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

181. “After lunch, we made love like it was the 4th of July. And because it was the 4th of July, it felt exceptionally patriotic. I even wore my British flag t-shirt to commemorate the evening.”

— Jarod Kintz

182. “My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.”

— Jarod Kintz

183. “I’m a bean counter. Oh, I’m not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter.”

— Jarod Kintz

184. “Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.”

— Jarod Kintz

185. “Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz

186. “I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.”

— Jarod Kintz

187. “I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.”

— Jarod Kintz

188. “My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled – or told him I loved him.”

— Jarod Kintz

189. “I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!”

— Jarod Kintz

190. “My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.”

— Jarod Kintz

191. “I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.”

— Jarod Kintz

192. “If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”

— Jarod Kintz

193. “33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.”

— Jarod Kintz

194. “If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.”

— Jarod Kintz

195. “I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.”

— Jarod Kintz

196. “My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”

— Jarod Kintz

197. “If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.”

— Jarod Kintz

198. “On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

— Jarod Kintz

199. “Let’s make love in the library – in the romance section.”

— Jarod Kintz

200. “Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too.”

— Jarod Kintz