Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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301. “I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”

— Jarod Kintz

302. “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”

— Jarod Kintz

303. “I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.”

— Jarod Kintz

304. “I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.”

— Jarod Kintz

305. “I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”

— Jarod Kintz

306. “America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”

— Jarod Kintz

307. “Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.”

— Jarod Kintz

308. “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

309. “If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it’s not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

310. “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

— Jarod Kintz

311. “I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.”

— Jarod Kintz

312. “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

— Jarod Kintz

313. “Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”

— Jarod Kintz

314. “I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

— Jarod Kintz

315. “A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.”

— Jarod Kintz

316. “I want to write a book called, “Bonfires and Bras,” which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.”

— Jarod Kintz

317. “I want to be a matador in the bull market, but not so I can make a killing. Rather, I just want to wear flamboyant and form-fitting pants that emphasize my genitalia as I stroll down Wall Street.”

— Jarod Kintz

318. “When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.”

— Jarod Kintz

319. “I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

320. “It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.”

— Jarod Kintz

321. “I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

322. “Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.”

— Jarod Kintz

323. “I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.”

— Jarod Kintz

324. “I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”

— Jarod Kintz

325. “I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

326. “The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

— Jarod Kintz

327. “The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.”

— Jarod Kintz

328. “You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

329. “I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.”

— Jarod Kintz

330. “My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.”

— Jarod Kintz

331. “I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.”

— Jarod Kintz

332. “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”

— Jarod Kintz

333. “I wish a person could self-slap himself to wake up his conscience, like coffee does for consciousness.”

— Jarod Kintz

334. “I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

335. “Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.”

— Jarod Kintz

336. “I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?”

— Jarod Kintz

337. “Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

— Jarod Kintz

338. “I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”

— Jarod Kintz

339. “I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”

— Jarod Kintz

340. “Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.”

— Jarod Kintz

341. “On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.”

— Jarod Kintz

342. “I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you.”

— Jarod Kintz

343. “I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz

344. “Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.”

— Jarod Kintz

345. “Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”

— Jarod Kintz

346. “I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net.”

— Jarod Kintz

347. “My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee, as the two are synonymous to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

348. “I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria, the one that supposedly burnt down centuries ago. You wouldn’t tell me what words, what books, or give me any clues at all, so I just assumed those three words were I love you, and I thought about that while I made love to a being of light who made sure I was completely dry the whole time so I didn’t get electrocuted.”

— Jarod Kintz

349. “Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”

— Jarod Kintz

350. “On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he said, “You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him.” “So,” I said, “you were adopted?” “Of course not!” he replied. “Your father’s not my son, just like he’s not your father.” And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can’t own a cat.”

— Jarod Kintz