Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

302. “I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

303. “It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.”

— Jarod Kintz

304. “I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

305. “I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.”

— Jarod Kintz

306. “I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

307. “4 am – if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

— Jarod Kintz

308. “The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache – on a man who runs his mouth all the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

309. “Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.”

— Jarod Kintz

310. “I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.”

— Jarod Kintz

311. “I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”

— Jarod Kintz

312. “I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.”

— Jarod Kintz

313. “I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.”

— Jarod Kintz

314. “The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.”

— Jarod Kintz

315. “America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”

— Jarod Kintz

316. “I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.”

— Jarod Kintz

317. “My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.”

— Jarod Kintz

318. “I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.”

— Jarod Kintz

319. “A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.”

— Jarod Kintz

320. “If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.”

— Jarod Kintz

321. “Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.”

— Jarod Kintz

322. “I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.”

— Jarod Kintz

323. “I wish a person could self-slap himself to wake up his conscience, like coffee does for consciousness.”

— Jarod Kintz

324. “I applied for your love like a recent MBA grad might apply at Walmart today. I grew a beard on my chest and laughed through my ass just to get your attention.”

— Jarod Kintz

325. “I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

326. “Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.”

— Jarod Kintz

327. “Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

— Jarod Kintz

328. “I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.”

— Jarod Kintz

329. “I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.”

— Jarod Kintz

330. “Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.”

— Jarod Kintz

331. “On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.”

— Jarod Kintz

332. “I’m the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”

— Jarod Kintz

333. “I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you.”

— Jarod Kintz

334. “The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

— Jarod Kintz

335. “Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.”

— Jarod Kintz

336. “Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”

— Jarod Kintz

337. “I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net.”

— Jarod Kintz

338. “I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria, the one that supposedly burnt down centuries ago. You wouldn’t tell me what words, what books, or give me any clues at all, so I just assumed those three words were I love you, and I thought about that while I made love to a being of light who made sure I was completely dry the whole time so I didn’t get electrocuted.”

— Jarod Kintz

339. “Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”

— Jarod Kintz

340. “Using my thumb and middle finger, I tend to make snap decisions. Right away I know whether I like a song or not.”

— Jarod Kintz

341. “On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he said, “You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him.” “So,” I said, “you were adopted?” “Of course not!” he replied. “Your father’s not my son, just like he’s not your father.” And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can’t own a cat.”

— Jarod Kintz

342. “Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”

— Jarod Kintz

343. “My birthday is on a holiday, I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me.”

— Jarod Kintz

344. “I’m single, like a cheese slice individually wrapped in plastic.”

— Jarod Kintz

345. “They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers.”

— Jarod Kintz

346. “I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark’s teeth. Locating them wasn’t really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.”

— Jarod Kintz

347. “I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy.”

— Jarod Kintz

348. “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”

— Jarod Kintz

349. “A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.”

— Jarod Kintz

350. “I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz