Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.”

— Jarod Kintz

302. “I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”

— Jarod Kintz

303. “Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.”

— Jarod Kintz

304. “I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you.”

— Jarod Kintz

305. “Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.”

— Jarod Kintz

306. “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

— Jarod Kintz

307. “I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

— Jarod Kintz

308. “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

— Jarod Kintz

309. “I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

310. “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

311. “What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.”

— Jarod Kintz

312. “Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.”

— Jarod Kintz

313. “I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

314. “I want to be a matador in the bull market, but not so I can make a killing. Rather, I just want to wear flamboyant and form-fitting pants that emphasize my genitalia as I stroll down Wall Street.”

— Jarod Kintz

315. “I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.”

— Jarod Kintz

316. “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

317. “I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz

318. “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”

— Jarod Kintz

319. “Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.”

— Jarod Kintz

320. “She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.”

— Jarod Kintz

321. “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

— Jarod Kintz

322. “America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”

— Jarod Kintz

323. “Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.”

— Jarod Kintz

324. “I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.”

— Jarod Kintz

325. “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

— Jarod Kintz

326. “If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.”

— Jarod Kintz

327. “I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net.”

— Jarod Kintz

328. “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”

— Jarod Kintz

329. “I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.”

— Jarod Kintz

330. “The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

— Jarod Kintz

331. “The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.”

— Jarod Kintz

332. “Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.”

— Jarod Kintz

333. “When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.”

— Jarod Kintz

334. “I’ll stand by you forever. Or at least until noon, and then I’ll go stand under the cabana. Isn’t love amazing?”

— Jarod Kintz

335. “I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.”

— Jarod Kintz

336. “Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”

— Jarod Kintz

337. “You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

338. “My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary – A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.”

— Jarod Kintz

339. “I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

— Jarod Kintz

340. “A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.”

— Jarod Kintz

341. “Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

— Jarod Kintz

342. “Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”

— Jarod Kintz

343. “I want to replace my knees with miniature Rube Goldberg machines. That way you’ll know how difficult it is for me to simply walk out of your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

344. “A relationship is a sales process, and sometimes you must buy to sell, and when you sell it is to the benefit of both of you.”

— Jarod Kintz

345. “Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”

— Jarod Kintz

346. “Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.”

— Jarod Kintz

347. “On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he said, “You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him.” “So,” I said, “you were adopted?” “Of course not!” he replied. “Your father’s not my son, just like he’s not your father.” And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can’t own a cat.”

— Jarod Kintz

348. “It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.”

— Jarod Kintz

349. “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”

— Jarod Kintz

350. “Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”

— Jarod Kintz