Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

— Jarod Kintz

302. “I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”

— Jarod Kintz

303. “Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”

— Jarod Kintz

304. “I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”

— Jarod Kintz

305. “Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.”

— Jarod Kintz

306. “People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?”

— Jarod Kintz

307. “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”

— Jarod Kintz

308. “What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.”

— Jarod Kintz

309. “I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.”

— Jarod Kintz

310. “I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.”

— Jarod Kintz

311. “Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”

— Jarod Kintz

312. “Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”

— Jarod Kintz

313. “I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.”

— Jarod Kintz

314. “Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.”

— Jarod Kintz

315. “Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.”

— Jarod Kintz

316. “I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you.”

— Jarod Kintz

317. “Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.”

— Jarod Kintz

318. “She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.”

— Jarod Kintz

319. “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

— Jarod Kintz

320. “I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

— Jarod Kintz

321. “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

— Jarod Kintz

322. “I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.”

— Jarod Kintz

323. “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

324. “I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

325. “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”

— Jarod Kintz

326. “If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.”

— Jarod Kintz

327. “Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.”

— Jarod Kintz

328. “I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

329. “I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.”

— Jarod Kintz

330. “My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

— Jarod Kintz

331. “She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”

— Jarod Kintz

332. “I want to be a matador in the bull market, but not so I can make a killing. Rather, I just want to wear flamboyant and form-fitting pants that emphasize my genitalia as I stroll down Wall Street.”

— Jarod Kintz

333. “You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

334. “Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”

— Jarod Kintz

335. “I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.”

— Jarod Kintz

336. “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

337. “My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary – A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.”

— Jarod Kintz

338. “Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.”

— Jarod Kintz

339. “I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz

340. “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

— Jarod Kintz

341. “America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”

— Jarod Kintz

342. “Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.”

— Jarod Kintz

343. “Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”

— Jarod Kintz

344. “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

— Jarod Kintz

345. “Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”

— Jarod Kintz

346. “I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net.”

— Jarod Kintz

347. “Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.”

— Jarod Kintz

348. “The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

— Jarod Kintz

349. “The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him.”

— Jarod Kintz

350. “Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I’m also going to memorize his first name.”

— Jarod Kintz