Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.”

— Jarod Kintz

302. “I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.”

— Jarod Kintz

303. “I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women.”

— Jarod Kintz

304. “I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.”

— Jarod Kintz

305. “My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.”

— Jarod Kintz

306. “I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”

— Jarod Kintz

307. “I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.”

— Jarod Kintz

308. “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”

— Jarod Kintz

309. “Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.”

— Jarod Kintz

310. “I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”

— Jarod Kintz

311. “Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”

— Jarod Kintz

312. “I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”

— Jarod Kintz

313. “Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.”

— Jarod Kintz

314. “I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

315. “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

316. “I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”

— Jarod Kintz

317. “If my last name were Om, I’d want my first name to be Fred. Fred Om isn’t worth fighting for, but an extra “e” is.”

— Jarod Kintz

318. “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”

— Jarod Kintz

319. “Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.”

— Jarod Kintz

320. “I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz

321. “Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.”

— Jarod Kintz

322. “I didn’t tackle him. I gave him a flying hug. Sometimes love is up in the air until it hits you.”

— Jarod Kintz

323. “Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.”

— Jarod Kintz

324. “She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.”

— Jarod Kintz

325. “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

— Jarod Kintz

326. “I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

— Jarod Kintz

327. “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

— Jarod Kintz

328. “I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.”

— Jarod Kintz

329. “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

— Jarod Kintz

330. “I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net.”

— Jarod Kintz

331. “Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.”

— Jarod Kintz

332. “Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.”

— Jarod Kintz

333. “My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all the leaves on my scrotum.”

— Jarod Kintz

334. “I want to be a matador in the bull market, but not so I can make a killing. Rather, I just want to wear flamboyant and form-fitting pants that emphasize my genitalia as I stroll down Wall Street.”

— Jarod Kintz

335. “She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”

— Jarod Kintz

336. “Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”

— Jarod Kintz

337. “I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.”

— Jarod Kintz

338. “You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

339. “My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary – A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.”

— Jarod Kintz

340. “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

341. “I want a moon canoe, because have you ever tried paddling through dirt? Love is a journey, and I try to travel as efficiently as I can.”

— Jarod Kintz

342. “Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.”

— Jarod Kintz

343. “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

— Jarod Kintz

344. “America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”

— Jarod Kintz

345. “Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.”

— Jarod Kintz

346. “Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”

— Jarod Kintz

347. “Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.”

— Jarod Kintz

348. “On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he said, “You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him.” “So,” I said, “you were adopted?” “Of course not!” he replied. “Your father’s not my son, just like he’s not your father.” And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can’t own a cat.”

— Jarod Kintz

349. “I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria, the one that supposedly burnt down centuries ago. You wouldn’t tell me what words, what books, or give me any clues at all, so I just assumed those three words were I love you, and I thought about that while I made love to a being of light who made sure I was completely dry the whole time so I didn’t get electrocuted.”

— Jarod Kintz

350. “My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find my clones?”

— Jarod Kintz