Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

252. “I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”

— Jarod Kintz

253. “John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.”

— Jarod Kintz

254. “Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at all simply by saying nothing.”

— Jarod Kintz

255. “The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you’re going to see it blink black. That’s the moment to start writing.”

— Jarod Kintz

256. “I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”

— Jarod Kintz

257. “Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad.”

— Jarod Kintz

258. “Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.”

— Jarod Kintz

259. “The coast is clear. Not a beached whale in sight.”

— Jarod Kintz

260. “I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”

— Jarod Kintz

261. “4 am – if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

— Jarod Kintz

262. “I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

263. “I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.”

— Jarod Kintz

264. “Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one.”

— Jarod Kintz

265. “Thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty three things. That’s all I need to get by. Oh, and I guess I also need love. Better make that thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty four.”

— Jarod Kintz

266. “In the immortal words of myself, “If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.” Likewise, if cyborgs one day come to be viewed as so human-like that they are accepted as equals, then I cry for the cyborg named Mel T. Down.”

— Jarod Kintz

267. “Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.”

— Jarod Kintz

268. “I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.”

— Jarod Kintz

269. “I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash of 1929. I thought I was the Irving Fisher of love.”

— Jarod Kintz

270. “I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”

— Jarod Kintz

271. “I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.”

— Jarod Kintz

272. “I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.”

— Jarod Kintz

273. “Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.”

— Jarod Kintz

274. “I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”

— Jarod Kintz

275. “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

— Jarod Kintz

276. “I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”

— Jarod Kintz

277. “I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”

— Jarod Kintz

278. “When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.”

— Jarod Kintz

279. “What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.”

— Jarod Kintz

280. “Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”

— Jarod Kintz

281. “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

— Jarod Kintz

282. “What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser – that’s why he’s number two.”

— Jarod Kintz

283. “Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”

— Jarod Kintz

284. “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

285. “Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”

— Jarod Kintz

286. “I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.”

— Jarod Kintz

287. “I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”

— Jarod Kintz

288. “I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.”

— Jarod Kintz

289. “I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”

— Jarod Kintz

290. “If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it’s not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life.”

— Jarod Kintz

291. “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

— Jarod Kintz

292. “I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.”

— Jarod Kintz

293. “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

— Jarod Kintz

294. “I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.”

— Jarod Kintz

295. “Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.”

— Jarod Kintz

296. “She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.”

— Jarod Kintz

297. “Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.”

— Jarod Kintz

298. “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”

— Jarod Kintz

299. “I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

— Jarod Kintz

300. “I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.”

— Jarod Kintz