Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.”

— Jarod Kintz

252. “I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”

— Jarod Kintz

253. “I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.”

— Jarod Kintz

254. “I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.”

— Jarod Kintz

255. “Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.”

— Jarod Kintz

256. “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

— Jarod Kintz

257. “I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”

— Jarod Kintz

258. “I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

— Jarod Kintz

259. “We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.”

— Jarod Kintz

260. “I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.”

— Jarod Kintz

261. “I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?”

— Jarod Kintz

262. “I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.”

— Jarod Kintz

263. “I told her I’d wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who’d give me a ride home.”

— Jarod Kintz

264. “I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”

— Jarod Kintz

265. “I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”

— Jarod Kintz

266. “I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”

— Jarod Kintz

267. “When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.”

— Jarod Kintz

268. “I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

269. “Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.”

— Jarod Kintz

270. “I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.”

— Jarod Kintz

271. “Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad.”

— Jarod Kintz

272. “The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you’re going to see it blink black. That’s the moment to start writing.”

— Jarod Kintz

273. “I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”

— Jarod Kintz

274. “4 am – if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

— Jarod Kintz

275. “Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.”

— Jarod Kintz

276. “I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”

— Jarod Kintz

277. “I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.”

— Jarod Kintz

278. “I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.”

— Jarod Kintz

279. “I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.”

— Jarod Kintz

280. “I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”

— Jarod Kintz

281. “What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser – that’s why he’s number two.”

— Jarod Kintz

282. “I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash of 1929. I thought I was the Irving Fisher of love.”

— Jarod Kintz

283. “I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women.”

— Jarod Kintz

284. “Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.”

— Jarod Kintz

285. “In the immortal words of myself, “If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.” Likewise, if cyborgs one day come to be viewed as so human-like that they are accepted as equals, then I cry for the cyborg named Mel T. Down.”

— Jarod Kintz

286. “I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”

— Jarod Kintz

287. “I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”

— Jarod Kintz

288. “I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”

— Jarod Kintz

289. “I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.”

— Jarod Kintz

290. “Thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty three things. That’s all I need to get by. Oh, and I guess I also need love. Better make that thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty four.”

— Jarod Kintz

291. “We had a good time together. 3:33, to be exact.”

— Jarod Kintz

292. “Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.”

— Jarod Kintz

293. “I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”

— Jarod Kintz

294. “I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.”

— Jarod Kintz

295. “I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.”

— Jarod Kintz

296. “I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.”

— Jarod Kintz

297. “My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.”

— Jarod Kintz

298. “I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”

— Jarod Kintz

299. “I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.”

— Jarod Kintz

300. “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”

— Jarod Kintz