Top 500 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 6 of 10

251. “I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash of 1929. I thought I was the Irving Fisher of love.”

— Jarod Kintz

252. “I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”

— Jarod Kintz

253. “I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

254. “I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.”

— Jarod Kintz

255. “I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.”

— Jarod Kintz

256. “I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”

— Jarod Kintz

257. “I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”

— Jarod Kintz

258. “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

— Jarod Kintz

259. “I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”

— Jarod Kintz

260. “When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.”

— Jarod Kintz

261. “Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”

— Jarod Kintz

262. “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

— Jarod Kintz

263. “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

264. “Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”

— Jarod Kintz

265. “I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.”

— Jarod Kintz

266. “Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one.”

— Jarod Kintz

267. “I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”

— Jarod Kintz

268. “I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.”

— Jarod Kintz

269. “I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”

— Jarod Kintz

270. “Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.”

— Jarod Kintz

271. “I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.”

— Jarod Kintz

272. “Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.”

— Jarod Kintz

273. “My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.”

— Jarod Kintz

274. “John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.”

— Jarod Kintz

275. “Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at all simply by saying nothing.”

— Jarod Kintz

276. “I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.”

— Jarod Kintz

277. “She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.”

— Jarod Kintz

278. “You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.”

— Jarod Kintz

279. “What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.”

— Jarod Kintz

280. “I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I’d happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

— Jarod Kintz

281. “I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”

— Jarod Kintz

282. “Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.”

— Jarod Kintz

283. “What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser – that’s why he’s number two.”

— Jarod Kintz

284. “Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”

— Jarod Kintz

285. “I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”

— Jarod Kintz

286. “The coast is clear. Not a beached whale in sight.”

— Jarod Kintz

287. “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”

— Jarod Kintz

288. “I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”

— Jarod Kintz

289. “Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.”

— Jarod Kintz

290. “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”

— Jarod Kintz

291. “You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.”

— Jarod Kintz

292. “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”

— Jarod Kintz

293. “Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.”

— Jarod Kintz

294. “I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.”

— Jarod Kintz

295. “I want to write a book called, “Bonfires and Bras,” which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.”

— Jarod Kintz

296. “Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.”

— Jarod Kintz

297. “I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”

— Jarod Kintz

298. “I want to be a matador in the bull market, but not so I can make a killing. Rather, I just want to wear flamboyant and form-fitting pants that emphasize my genitalia as I stroll down Wall Street.”

— Jarod Kintz

299. “When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.”

— Jarod Kintz

300. “Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.”

— Jarod Kintz