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Top 50 Jarod Kintz Quotes (2025 Update)
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Jarod Kintz Quote: “I hate when I’m at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, “Paper or plastic?” It’s offensive. As if I’m going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “The coast is clear. Not a beached whale in sight.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “4 am – if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at all simply by saying nothing.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think I’ll go to sleep now.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “The darkness has ink eyes, and if you stare long enough, you’re going to see it blink black. That’s the moment to start writing.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I feel like I’m late for love. I’ll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel needed. I’m needy like that.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty three things. That’s all I need to get by. Oh, and I guess I also need love. Better make that thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty four.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “In the immortal words of myself, “If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.” Likewise, if cyborgs one day come to be viewed as so human-like that they are accepted as equals, then I cry for the cyborg named Mel T. Down.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash of 1929. I thought I was the Irving Fisher of love.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “What did I know of love then? What do I know of love now? I went from mustard to ketchup, but I’m still leading with my hotdog.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser – that’s why he’s number two.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Time is such a waste of time to think about, because the longer you ponder it, the more of it you lose. And before you know it, you don’t know it, because you are nothing but dusty worm food.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it’s not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life.”
Jarod Kintz Quote: “I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”
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