Top 450 Darynda Jones Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We’d had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I...”

— Darynda Jones

102. “A dyslexic man walks into a bra- T-shirt.”

— Darynda Jones

103. “I don’t understand people. They smile when they are mad. They hug people they hate. They steal from people they genuinely love. And they are jealous of babies.”

— Darynda Jones

104. “Closure, good or bad, is not overrated.”

— Darynda Jones

105. “They were back. The demons in all their glory. And they had a plan. I made plans sometimes, too, but they rarely involved world domination. Hot dogs on a grill, maybe. Tequila.”

— Darynda Jones

106. “Gemma walked up behind her and did the crazy sign, which since she was a psychiatrist seemed very unprofessional.”

— Darynda Jones

107. “Oh, and she told me that men want only one thing. And on that note, I must give praise and thanks to the powers that be. I don’t want much else from them either.”

— Darynda Jones

108. “Sometimes I wrestle my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle. – BUMPER STICKER.”

— Darynda Jones

109. “See you in a few. Hold down the fort, Mr. Wong!”

— Darynda Jones

110. “My real mom died when I was born – hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to me, which has never been one of my favorite memories – and Dad married Denise before I’d turned a year. Without even asking my opinion on the matter. Denise and I never really clicked.”

— Darynda Jones

111. “Help someone when they’re in trouble, and they’ll remember you when they’re in trouble again. – FORTUNE COOKIE.”

— Darynda Jones

112. “Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes it’s time, and gets to know everyone personally – T-Shirt.”

— Darynda Jones

113. “His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.”

— Darynda Jones

114. “Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.”

— Darynda Jones

115. “It’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

116. “If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you trouble – bumper sticker.”

— Darynda Jones

117. “Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.”

— Darynda Jones

118. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – STEVEN WRIGHT.”

— Darynda Jones

119. “I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.”

— Darynda Jones

120. “Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.”

— Darynda Jones

121. “I never said I’d die without coffee. I said other people would.” – Meme.”

— Darynda Jones

122. “I’m not on the crazy train. Trains go fast. It’s more like a wagon. A long, slow ride on the crazy wagon. – MEME.”

— Darynda Jones

123. “I’m a virgin. But this is an old shirt. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

124. “Last time I had a bun in the oven, I had to give up whiskey. Worst twelve minutes of my life. Thank goodness those brown-and-serve rolls bake fast.” – Father Glenn.”

— Darynda Jones

125. “True heroes are never heroes for the recognition. They do what they are supposed to do, play the hand they’ve been dealt. And true heroes don’t seek out heroism. It’s thrust upon them.”

— Darynda Jones

126. “You could ask for the world, and then where would civilization be when I conquered it and laid it at your feet.”

— Darynda Jones

127. “I’m married to a billionaire like in all those books I read where the superrich guy falls in love with the poor chick who may not have much in the way of money but is wealthy in vivacity and sprightliness and is really into bondage?”

— Darynda Jones

128. “Life ain’t all burritos and strippers, my friend. – TRUE FACT.”

— Darynda Jones

129. “I shifted in my chair as Dad waited for a response. He seemed determined, his resolve unwavering. This would take tact. Prudence. Possibly Milk Duds. “Are you psychotic?” I asked, realizing my plan to charm and bribe him if need be flew out the window the minute I opened my mouth.”

— Darynda Jones

130. “I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.”

— Darynda Jones

131. “I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

132. “I needed coffee. And a shower. Or a coffee shower.”

— Darynda Jones

133. “A fruitless endeavor, as my knowledge was definitely the fruity type.”

— Darynda Jones

134. “The past is a blur, like fog only blurrier.”

— Darynda Jones

135. “He had given me so much information, I wanted some time to absorb it all, but I didn’t want to leave him. Not like this. Not ever, as long as I lived. Or until I had to get back on the case. Whichever came first.”

— Darynda Jones

136. “I love children, but I don’t think I can eat a whole one.- Bumper sticker.”

— Darynda Jones

137. “I have seen things. Awful things. Empty coffee cup things.”

— Darynda Jones

138. “Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.”

— Darynda Jones

139. “Sorry I killed you. Repeatedly.”

— Darynda Jones

140. “Garrett must have sensed I was awake. “Hey Detective,” he said to Uncle Bob, who was now trudging across the grating toward us. “I think we’re losing her. I have no choice but to perform mouth-to-mouth.” “Don’t you dare,” I said, my lids still in lockdown.”

— Darynda Jones

141. “Okay, I’ll strip. I’ll tap dance. I’ll sing ‘La Cucaracha’ in C minor.”

— Darynda Jones

142. “The fastest way to a man’s heart is by tearing a hole through his rib cage. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

143. “Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my needs. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

144. “There was nothing like a trip to the gynecologist to make one feel just a little violated. Charley.”

— Darynda Jones

145. “Thor’s Morning Wood.”

— Darynda Jones

146. “He’d actually hit me! It didn’t matter that hitting me wasn’t really like hitting a regular girl and I’d be completely healed in a matter of hours. I was still a freaking girl, and he damned well knew it. I’d just have to hit him back. With a lead pipe. Or an eighteen-wheeler.”

— Darynda Jones

147. “A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I’ve never been the same.”

— Darynda Jones

148. “It’s a beautiful day. I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit. – BUMPER STICKER.”

— Darynda Jones

149. “My death will probably be caused by being sarcastic at the wrong time. – TRUE FACT.”

— Darynda Jones

150. “Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn’t hurt him. He’d been living with his stalker, for heaven’s sake.”

— Darynda Jones