Top 450 Darynda Jones Quotes (2026 Update)
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351. “We were venturing onto uncomfortable ground. Compliments weren’t part of our MO. Passive-aggressive insults were. Mild threats. A little nagging here and there.”

— Darynda Jones

352. “Just as I put my plate on my desk, I noticed a priest waiting in Cookie’s office. He was wearing a jacket and jeans, but the collar gave it away every time. We’d apparently forgotten to lock the door, but in all my years as a PI, a priest was new. I felt like I should do the sign of the cross as I walked forward, but I could never remember if it was up-down-left-right or up-down-right-left. I was so bad with directions.”

— Darynda Jones

353. “Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart things I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on. – Bumper Sticker.”

— Darynda Jones

354. “She said her mother has a strap-on named Event Horizon.” I hid a burst of laughter behind a cough, then asked, “Do you know what a strap-on is?” She gave me a look of incredulity. “Of course. I know what a bra is. You strap it on.” “Right.” I patted her shoulder. “Well, some people name their bras. Personally, I find the practice bizarre.” She giggled. “You name everything.” “Not my bras. Who does that?” I.”

— Darynda Jones

355. “The departed exist on one plane, and the human race exists on another, and somehow – whether by freak accident, divine intervention, or psychological disorder – I exist on both. A.”

— Darynda Jones

356. “I could fight a dozen hounds from hell, I could bring down the son of Satan with a word, but put me in the ring with a psychotic chick, and I go down in the first.”

— Darynda Jones

357. “Look,” he said, clearly having made up his mind, “I’ve made up my mind.” Nailed it.”

— Darynda Jones

358. “I was my own girl, and no one was walking on this carpet but me.”

— Darynda Jones

359. “You need to listen to what Mom has to say.” “No, I don’t.” “She deserves that much, Charley.”

— Darynda Jones

360. “I’m not sure I can physically handle much more of this “getting out of bed” nonsense.”

— Darynda Jones

361. “I think I was born making up stories in my head. I wrote my first play when I was 5. No, I couldn’t write yet. It was with a stick on a piece of paper that floated by on the wind, and it was about a girl named Cindy. The fact that it closely resembled Cinderella is pure coincidence.”

— Darynda Jones

362. “There must be a special, less volcanic portion of hell that was partitioned off and set aside for people who weren’t all bad, just a little vindictive. They could call it the drama queen ward. It would be a huge hit.”

— Darynda Jones

363. “Anther spasm ripped through me and all I could wonder was why in the world had women been doing this for thousands of years? This was barbaric. This was torture. Never again. Never again as long as I lived would I have another baby, so Beep had better be pretty awesome.”

— Darynda Jones

364. “He turned the corner and flipped me off at the same time. See? Men could multitask. I was so proud of him.”

— Darynda Jones

365. “People were never, ever, ever 100 percent honest about their feelings. Never.”

— Darynda Jones

366. “I looked up into the glittering depths of his mahagony irises. A soft line had formed between his brows as he studied me, and I realized for the thousandth time I could not read him. Not like I could most people. I felt emotion roiling within him, but i was jumbled, chaotic, a mixture of desire and concern and regret.”

— Darynda Jones

367. “Are you free?” he asked. “No, but I’m on sale for a dollar ninety-nine.”

— Darynda Jones

368. “The dreams continue for over a month. Each reveals a new facet of her personality. One night, she is wild and unpredictable. The next, she is shy or giggly or coy. She laughs and growls and bites and sucks.”

— Darynda Jones

369. “His hold was tight but tender, his breaths hoarse and ragged. I held his head to my chest for a long time, and I didn’t want to let go. I never wanted to let go.”

— Darynda Jones

370. “I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.”

— Darynda Jones

371. “How he could have such a reaction with me looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy astonished me. He was kinky. I’d take it.”

— Darynda Jones

372. “Does workman’s comp cover paper cuts?” “Do chickens lay snowballs?”

— Darynda Jones

373. “His presence made the air crackle with electricity, mostly because of all the spontaneous ovulating going on when he walked in.”

— Darynda Jones

374. “Paperbacks make the world go round. Okay, maybe only my world. Either way paperbacks rock!”

— Darynda Jones

375. “And as your writing evolves, what you need and get from it evolves.”

— Darynda Jones

376. “I don’t want you to forget this moment. In about a week, I’ll come up with a scathing retort. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

377. “Misery loves company, which explains my sudden popularity. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

378. “I stood, crossed over to my office and poured him a cup, then asked if he liked his coffee like I liked my Death Stars: gigantic, on the Dark Side, and powerful enough to destroy a planet. He laughed softly. “A little cream is fine.” “One coffee high coming up,” I.”

— Darynda Jones

379. “I breathed in the heat that spiraled around him. He gave me every ounce of attention he had to offer, focused like a leopard focusing on his prey, just long enough to cause a warmth to crack open and spill into my chest. Over my stomach. Between my legs.”

— Darynda Jones

380. “We were venturing into Denialville again, which was not nearly as fun as Margaritaville.”

— Darynda Jones

381. “I caused more trouble than gonorrhea.”

— Darynda Jones

382. “Guys made this stuff look so easy. The only things I liked to scale on a semi-regular basis were those same guys who made this stuff look easy.”

— Darynda Jones

383. “We watch movies while Uncle Reyes makes cockporn.”

— Darynda Jones

384. “I am a huge believer in revelations and fun twists.”

— Darynda Jones

385. “Just remember,” Reyes said, “anything you do to my daughter, I do to you.”

— Darynda Jones

386. “I once made a pot of coffee so strong, it opened a jar for me. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

387. “I’d considered therapy, but the never-ending search for mental stability would cut into my couch potato time. That couch was not going to sprout roots itself.”

— Darynda Jones

388. “I liked my Death Stars: gigantic, on the Dark Side, and powerful enough to destroy a planet.”

— Darynda Jones

389. “Her face, a face that had been rosy not thirty seconds earlier, paled at my suggestion. She backed away as though I’d just told her I was going to murder her and keep her heart in a jar on my desk. I would never do such a thing. I’d keep it in a jar in the cupboard. I wasn’t morbid.”

— Darynda Jones

390. “I really just wanted to make sure my psychotic, sleep-deprived husband wasn’t wrestling hellhounds. That would have been a great metaphor if it weren’t real. I’d have to remember it. Use it metaphorically later.”

— Darynda Jones

391. “Not just power,” Garrett said, growing excited. “Unimaginable power. According to his prophecies, you will recruit a warrior, a scholar, a prophet, gatekeeper, a warden, and a couple of other figures Dr. von Holstein is still working on.”

— Darynda Jones

392. “Humor is so subjective, not everyone is going to get what you are peddling. Others will be offended when what you meant no offense whatsoever. Those are the stakes. You have to be able to stand up for yourself and what you’ve written. Comedy pushes limits, makes people uncomfortable, and is a natural reaction to the environment. Otherwise, as I said, it is forced. Let it flow and give your characters permission to cross a line or two, but only if you can take the heat afterward.”

— Darynda Jones

393. “You know how you heal really fast?” I stood and walked to the doorway that separated our offices. “Yes,” I answered, wondering where she was going with this. She was sucking the side of her index finger. “Maybe if you lick my cut, your spit will heal me fast, too.” “Dude,” I said, tamping down a giggle, “I’m not licking your cut.” “Just lick me.” She held out her finger. “This is going to be tender for days.” “I’m not licking you.” A line I rarely said aloud.”

— Darynda Jones

394. “No, I need your daughter.” Every.”

— Darynda Jones

395. “Nothing about her environment would be safe. I caused more trouble than gonorrhea.”

— Darynda Jones

396. “We watch movies while Uncle Reyes makes cockporn.” Everyone in the immediate area stilled while Reyes and I pressed our mouths together, trying not to crack up. This was a serious situation, and cracking up now would just be wrong. “Popcorn, honey,” Amador said. Then he looked at Bianca. “Hon, she really needs to learn how to say that word.”

— Darynda Jones

397. “Agent Carson pulled up in her SUV. We’d thrown her when we both climbed into her official vehicle, but I quickly explained that Reyes, my affianced, had separation anxiety.”

— Darynda Jones

398. “And he was damned nice to look at, even when he scowled. In fact, if I were totally honest, that scowl only added to the allure that was Reyes Farrow. Damn it. When I scowled, I looked constipated. Leave it to the son of Satan to turn a scowl into the stuff of fantasies.”

— Darynda Jones

399. “I’m not pubescent, darlin’. I’m pretty sure I can last more than fifteen minutes.”

— Darynda Jones

400. “I thought about throwing my grocery bags at him and making a run for it, but those avocados were expensive. Damn my love of guacamole.”

— Darynda Jones