Top 450 Darynda Jones Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “I was starting to wonder if repetitive exposure to nightly hallucinations resulting in earth-shattering climaxes could have any long-term side effects.”

— Darynda Jones

302. “Let me express how much I don’t care on a scale from one to bite me.”

— Darynda Jones

303. “Holy water may fend off demons, but spiders were completely unfazed by it.”

— Darynda Jones

304. “I also become the local computer nerd. The administration brings me in to fix all the computers, I create viruses to invade at a specific day and time. They call me in, and I eradicate my own virus, only to plant another one to go into effect a couple months later. They ask me why I can’t just fix the computers once and for all. I tell them to quit going to porn sites and it will stay fixed. That shuts them up every time.”

— Darynda Jones

305. “It pained me to imagine who she would have become, given the chance. For the life to be ripped away from someone so young just seemed so terribly, terribly unfair. “Because you’re going to die soon.” On second thought, maybe she was better off. Away from other people and most sharp objects. I had a sneaking suspicion she would have become a serial killer. Or a telemarketer. Either way.”

— Darynda Jones

306. “Freaking Kodak moments sucked when you didn’t actually have a Kodak.”

— Darynda Jones

307. “I spotted Mr. Reyes Farrow standing next to his stunning ’70 Plymouth ‘Cuda. Classic. Dark. And all muscle. The car was hot, too.”

— Darynda Jones

308. “Roda?” asked, combining his name with Yoda’s.”

— Darynda Jones

309. “Cool. I could live vicariously through a Catholic priest. A thought that rarely occurred to me, for obvious reasons. I.”

— Darynda Jones

310. “Amador and Bianca have a great life that I’m only a little jealous of. They have two kids they bring to see me. His daughter, Ashlee, is almost five now. She has asked me to marry her when I get out. It feels kind of weird since she calls me Uncle Reyes and incest is frowned upon, but who am I to argue with true love?”

— Darynda Jones

311. “A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?” BUMPER STICKER.”

— Darynda Jones

312. “Cook, at that moment in time, I would have sold my body for a mocha latte.”

— Darynda Jones

313. “No offense, but what on earth could I ask of you that would be a great hardship?” His gaze rested on my mouth before making its way to my eyes again. “You could ask for the world, and then where would civilization be when I conquered it and laid it at your feet?”

— Darynda Jones

314. “You didn’t bring any C-4, did you?” “Javier, you have to let that go. Let bygones be bygones.” He pulled his sidearm and clicked off the safety. “I’ll show you bygones.” “Now, now,” Garrett said, wrestling the gun from him. “Charley brings out the worst in all of us. It’s not her fault.” “He’s right,” I said. “I have a condition.”

— Darynda Jones

315. “Why do you suppose I’m here?” I asked him. Angel. A thirteen-year-old departed gangbanger. “Just ’cause you’re supposed to be, I guess.”

— Darynda Jones

316. “When the men started to argue about the logistics of my devouring my own husband, which screamed cannibal in my humble opinion, my temper soared.”

— Darynda Jones

317. “I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.”

— Darynda Jones

318. “We don’t read to observe the character from a distance. We read to become the character and experience the conflicts and rewards they are experiencing.”

— Darynda Jones

319. “Of all the strange events in my life, that was by far the weirdest I’d had in hours.”

— Darynda Jones

320. “This situation nailed why reality TV was such a hit. The human appetite to witness tragedy, to observe the subtle difference between pain and anguish, to see each emotion twist the features of a normally smiling face, was irresistible. It wasn’t their fault. A certain amount of morbidity was innate in each of us, part of our biological makeup, our DNA.”

— Darynda Jones

321. “If he were ever to break up with me, I would so be that stalker ex-girlfriend who stole his underwear and hid in the hedges outside his bedroom window.”

— Darynda Jones

322. “After searching for a space, I parked behind the tattoo parlor in front of a sign that said NO PARKING. Since it didn’t specify to whom it was referring, I figured it couldn’t possibly be talking to me.”

— Darynda Jones

323. “As far as superpowers went, if a vengeful madman hopped up on 24-Hour Sudafed and wielding a broadsword named Thor’s Morning Wood ever attacked us, we were screwed. Six ways to Sunday.”

— Darynda Jones

324. “Thank the gods Ubie’d had her detailed, because blood simmering under the New Mexico sun was never a good scent choice for cars. I preferred pine. Or.”

— Darynda Jones

325. “I could fight a dozen hounds from hell, I could bring down the son of Satan with a word, but put me in the ring with a psychotic chick, and I go down in the first.”

— Darynda Jones

326. “Look,” he said, clearly having made up his mind, “I’ve made up my mind.” Nailed it.”

— Darynda Jones

327. “I was my own girl, and no one was walking on this carpet but me.”

— Darynda Jones

328. “There’s no i in team, mister!”

— Darynda Jones

329. “10 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

330. “You need to listen to what Mom has to say.” “No, I don’t.” “She deserves that much, Charley.”

— Darynda Jones

331. “I think I was born making up stories in my head. I wrote my first play when I was 5. No, I couldn’t write yet. It was with a stick on a piece of paper that floated by on the wind, and it was about a girl named Cindy. The fact that it closely resembled Cinderella is pure coincidence.”

— Darynda Jones

332. “Anther spasm ripped through me and all I could wonder was why in the world had women been doing this for thousands of years? This was barbaric. This was torture. Never again. Never again as long as I lived would I have another baby, so Beep had better be pretty awesome.”

— Darynda Jones

333. “There must be a special, less volcanic portion of hell that was partitioned off and set aside for people who weren’t all bad, just a little vindictive. They could call it the drama queen ward. It would be a huge hit.”

— Darynda Jones

334. “People were never, ever, ever 100 percent honest about their feelings. Never.”

— Darynda Jones

335. “He turned the corner and flipped me off at the same time. See? Men could multitask. I was so proud of him.”

— Darynda Jones

336. “I looked up into the glittering depths of his mahagony irises. A soft line had formed between his brows as he studied me, and I realized for the thousandth time I could not read him. Not like I could most people. I felt emotion roiling within him, but i was jumbled, chaotic, a mixture of desire and concern and regret.”

— Darynda Jones

337. “Valencia’s men scrambled to help their boss, but Reyes had been chomping at the bit long enough. He let loose. Got into a couple of fistfights for the fun of it before snapping necks one by one. They didn’t know what hit them. Then again, their deaths were merciful compared to what they did to their victims. Their eternal damnations following death, however, would be another story. I.”

— Darynda Jones

338. “It’s the simple things in life, and all that crap.”

— Darynda Jones

339. “Are you free?” he asked. “No, but I’m on sale for a dollar ninety-nine.”

— Darynda Jones

340. “At first, I found their enthusiasm a bit intimidating. But once I got to know them – and realized they weren’t swingers – I was grateful for it.”

— Darynda Jones

341. “Knock, knock.” Auri put down her coffee and texted back. “Who’s there?” “A little old lady.” She knew this one but went along with it, anyway. “A little old lady who?” “Oh, my god! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel!”

— Darynda Jones

342. “I still had my hand on his side, careful not to press. He reached out and hooked a finger into the belt loop on my jeans. It felt so natural, so fulfilling, to be there with him. To talk with him as if we did it everyday. As if we’d been doung it every day for years. Not even the heat of Ian’s fury could penetrate the warmth I was getting from Reyes.”

— Darynda Jones

343. “If life hands you lemons, keep them. Because, hey, free lemons. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

344. “I had to promise to look him up if I was ever in the City of Angels.” She winked to Uncle Bob. “He liked my voice.” “Mom,” Amber said, utterly appalled. “You used your feminine wiles on a man you don’t even know.” Cookie smiled. “That’s what they’re for, honey. Eat your salad.”

— Darynda Jones

345. “Someone had to laugh, and I was pretty much the only one who got me. It was a lonely life.”

— Darynda Jones

346. “She said her mother has a strap-on named Event Horizon.”

— Darynda Jones

347. “Some days you’re the cat. Some days you’re the brand-new, suede leather Barcalounger. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

348. “Reyes,” she said, stars in her eyes. “He likes my cinnamon rolls.” “I can’t believe this. You’re cheating on me with Reyes? You’ve been making him your famous cinnamon rolls while I’ve been stuck in a hell dimension, longing for the ability to chew my toenails just for something to do?” Amber whisked by us. “And enchiladas. He loves her enchiladas.” “Cook!” The sting of a thousand traitorous daggers pierced my heart. “I’m telling Uncle Bob.”

— Darynda Jones

349. “Are you free?” he asked. “No, but I’m on sale for a dollar ninety-nine.” He sighed, adding fuel to the fire. “Do you have a minute?” I patted my pockets. “Not on me, but I can go through the couch cushions.”

— Darynda Jones

350. “Do you pay me? I feel more like a slave.” “Please, you’re way cheaper than a slave. You provide your own shelter, pay your own bills.” Ever.”

— Darynda Jones