Top 450 Darynda Jones Quotes (2026 Update)
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301. “While the goal of a book is to create a positive emotional experience for the reader, the goal of the opening is to set the stage, to pull the reader in.”

— Darynda Jones

302. “Thrilled that Reyes and I were outside, and taking that as her cue to get her freak on, Artemis ran around like a gerbil on meth, turning occasionally to make sure we were still watching. And God help us if we weren’t.”

— Darynda Jones

303. “I was starting to wonder if repetitive exposure to nightly hallucinations resulting in earth-shattering climaxes could have any long-term side effects.”

— Darynda Jones

304. “I also become the local computer nerd. The administration brings me in to fix all the computers, I create viruses to invade at a specific day and time. They call me in, and I eradicate my own virus, only to plant another one to go into effect a couple months later. They ask me why I can’t just fix the computers once and for all. I tell them to quit going to porn sites and it will stay fixed. That shuts them up every time.”

— Darynda Jones

305. “I didn’t realize until I locked the door to my apartment and leaned against it, panting that my cheeks were covered in frozen tears. I was such an idiot. And my heart hurt. Bad. Every beat sent an ache rocketing through my body. I was having a heart attack. Or, more likely, my heart had just broken.”

— Darynda Jones

306. “There’s no i in team, mister!”

— Darynda Jones

307. “Hey, I could be your assistant! I’d be an Assistant Serial Killer Serial Killer. I’d be an Ass. Or do I need the Ks in there? Because that wouldn’t sound nearly as cool.”

— Darynda Jones

308. “And just how, exactly, do you feed off the souls of humans? Is it like a vitamin-deficiency thing?”

— Darynda Jones

309. “I stretched as those three little words that every girl longs to hear slipped from his mouth with effortless ease. As though they did it every day. As Though they didn’t mean the world to me. With one corner of his mouth tipping sensually, he asked, “Want some coffee?” And I fell. I fell hard.”

— Darynda Jones

310. “It would be a miracle to solve this case. Luckily, I believed in miracles. No, wait, that was testicles. I believed in testicles.”

— Darynda Jones

311. “Cool. I could live vicariously through a Catholic priest. A thought that rarely occurred to me, for obvious reasons. I.”

— Darynda Jones

312. “I love language, words, and all the lovely, exciting, and heart wrenching things you can do with them. Pick the right ones, put them in the right order, and you’ve created a moment in time where the reader forgets about the late car payment, the dirty dishes, the impending workweek. You have created a state of bliss. Or negligence, depending on your perspective.”

— Darynda Jones

313. “WHILE writing, just try to have fun with your ms. Enjoy the process, but push on. Always push toward the finish line!”

— Darynda Jones

314. “Cook, at that moment in time, I would have sold my body for a mocha latte.”

— Darynda Jones

315. “She said her mother has a strap-on named Event Horizon.”

— Darynda Jones

316. “I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.”

— Darynda Jones

317. “Why do you suppose I’m here?” I asked him. Angel. A thirteen-year-old departed gangbanger. “Just ’cause you’re supposed to be, I guess.”

— Darynda Jones

318. “When the men started to argue about the logistics of my devouring my own husband, which screamed cannibal in my humble opinion, my temper soared.”

— Darynda Jones

319. “Reyes,” she said, stars in her eyes. “He likes my cinnamon rolls.” “I can’t believe this. You’re cheating on me with Reyes? You’ve been making him your famous cinnamon rolls while I’ve been stuck in a hell dimension, longing for the ability to chew my toenails just for something to do?” Amber whisked by us. “And enchiladas. He loves her enchiladas.” “Cook!” The sting of a thousand traitorous daggers pierced my heart. “I’m telling Uncle Bob.”

— Darynda Jones

320. “Do you pay me? I feel more like a slave.” “Please, you’re way cheaper than a slave. You provide your own shelter, pay your own bills.” Ever.”

— Darynda Jones

321. “This situation nailed why reality TV was such a hit. The human appetite to witness tragedy, to observe the subtle difference between pain and anguish, to see each emotion twist the features of a normally smiling face, was irresistible. It wasn’t their fault. A certain amount of morbidity was innate in each of us, part of our biological makeup, our DNA.”

— Darynda Jones

322. “After searching for a space, I parked behind the tattoo parlor in front of a sign that said NO PARKING. Since it didn’t specify to whom it was referring, I figured it couldn’t possibly be talking to me.”

— Darynda Jones

323. “If he were ever to break up with me, I would so be that stalker ex-girlfriend who stole his underwear and hid in the hedges outside his bedroom window.”

— Darynda Jones

324. “As far as superpowers went, if a vengeful madman hopped up on 24-Hour Sudafed and wielding a broadsword named Thor’s Morning Wood ever attacked us, we were screwed. Six ways to Sunday.”

— Darynda Jones

325. “Thank the gods Ubie’d had her detailed, because blood simmering under the New Mexico sun was never a good scent choice for cars. I preferred pine. Or.”

— Darynda Jones

326. “Freaking Kodak moments sucked when you didn’t actually have a Kodak.”

— Darynda Jones

327. “I spotted Mr. Reyes Farrow standing next to his stunning ’70 Plymouth ‘Cuda. Classic. Dark. And all muscle. The car was hot, too.”

— Darynda Jones

328. “Roda?” asked, combining his name with Yoda’s.”

— Darynda Jones

329. “Valencia’s men scrambled to help their boss, but Reyes had been chomping at the bit long enough. He let loose. Got into a couple of fistfights for the fun of it before snapping necks one by one. They didn’t know what hit them. Then again, their deaths were merciful compared to what they did to their victims. Their eternal damnations following death, however, would be another story. I.”

— Darynda Jones

330. “A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?” BUMPER STICKER.”

— Darynda Jones

331. “Amador and Bianca have a great life that I’m only a little jealous of. They have two kids they bring to see me. His daughter, Ashlee, is almost five now. She has asked me to marry her when I get out. It feels kind of weird since she calls me Uncle Reyes and incest is frowned upon, but who am I to argue with true love?”

— Darynda Jones

332. “It’s the simple things in life, and all that crap.”

— Darynda Jones

333. “If life hands you lemons, keep them. Because, hey, free lemons. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

334. “Who is Dr. A. von Holstein? And is he related, by chance, to a race of cows?”

— Darynda Jones

335. “Someone had to laugh, and I was pretty much the only one who got me. It was a lonely life.”

— Darynda Jones

336. “Are you free?” he asked. “No, but I’m on sale for a dollar ninety-nine.” He sighed, adding fuel to the fire. “Do you have a minute?” I patted my pockets. “Not on me, but I can go through the couch cushions.”

— Darynda Jones

337. “Some days you’re the cat. Some days you’re the brand-new, suede leather Barcalounger. – T-SHIRT.”

— Darynda Jones

338. “Apparently, in high school, Cookie had been voted Person Most Likely to Die Any Second Now.”

— Darynda Jones

339. “According to this, it’s not the Twelve that is going to be the undoing of the Daughter of Light, but the Thirteenth Warrior.” “Antonio Banderas is going to be my undoing? I’m rife with anticipation.”

— Darynda Jones

340. “No dead people beyond this door,′ ” he read aloud from beyond the door. ” ‘And, yes, if you suddenly have the ability to walk through walls, you’re dead. You’re not lying somewhere in a drainage ditch waiting to wake up. Get over it, and stay the hell out of my bathroom.”

— Darynda Jones

341. “When I’m not scouring through the backstreets of every city in the state, I keep an eye on the girl. My girl.”

— Darynda Jones

342. “The woman eyed Ubie a moment before grabbing a pen and writing down the dates I had. Ubie eyed her back. Sparks flew.”

— Darynda Jones

343. “When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

— Darynda Jones

344. “Tequila often gave people the desire to tackle the impossible. It did not, however, make impossible possible.”

— Darynda Jones

345. “Aw. She thought I was fruity. I got that a lot.”

— Darynda Jones

346. “We were venturing onto uncomfortable ground. Compliments weren’t part of our MO. Passive-aggressive insults were. Mild threats. A little nagging here and there.”

— Darynda Jones

347. “Just as I put my plate on my desk, I noticed a priest waiting in Cookie’s office. He was wearing a jacket and jeans, but the collar gave it away every time. We’d apparently forgotten to lock the door, but in all my years as a PI, a priest was new. I felt like I should do the sign of the cross as I walked forward, but I could never remember if it was up-down-left-right or up-down-right-left. I was so bad with directions.”

— Darynda Jones

348. “Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart things I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on. – Bumper Sticker.”

— Darynda Jones

349. “She said her mother has a strap-on named Event Horizon.” I hid a burst of laughter behind a cough, then asked, “Do you know what a strap-on is?” She gave me a look of incredulity. “Of course. I know what a bra is. You strap it on.” “Right.” I patted her shoulder. “Well, some people name their bras. Personally, I find the practice bizarre.” She giggled. “You name everything.” “Not my bras. Who does that?” I.”

— Darynda Jones

350. “The departed exist on one plane, and the human race exists on another, and somehow – whether by freak accident, divine intervention, or psychological disorder – I exist on both. A.”

— Darynda Jones