Top 100 George Burns Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Tennis is a young man’s game. Until you’re 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won’t tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court – just on my side of the net.”

— George Burns

52. “Everyday happiness means you can’t wait to come home, because the soup is hot.”

— George Burns

53. “I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.”

— George Burns

54. “I’d rather be over the hill than under it.”

— George Burns

55. “A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn’t started yet.”

— George Burns

56. “Since I’ve made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven’t been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.”

— George Burns

57. “None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.”

— George Burns

58. “It’s one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you’ve been, there’s always a younger and sexier seal coming along.”

— George Burns

59. “I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.”

— George Burns

60. “At my age flowers scare me.”

— George Burns

61. “Retire? I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.”

— George Burns

62. “In show business the key word is honesty. Once you’ve learned to fake that, the rest is easy.”

— George Burns

63. “She didn’t need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you’re not acting.”

— George Burns

64. “There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children.”

— George Burns

65. “When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.”

— George Burns

66. “I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.”

— George Burns

67. “There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.”

— George Burns

68. “I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name’s not there, I eat breakfast.”

— George Burns

69. “Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don’t have to.”

— George Burns

70. “With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.”

— George Burns

71. “It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

— George Burns

72. “Say Goodnight Gracie.”

— George Burns

73. “Age to me means nothing. I can’t get old; I’m working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you’re working, you stay young. When I’m in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.”

— George Burns

74. “If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you’d cheat with some ugly girl.”

— George Burns

75. “People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.”

— George Burns

76. “Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.”

— George Burns

77. “I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.”

— George Burns

78. “How can I die? I’m booked.”

— George Burns

79. “I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you’re 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.”

— George Burns

80. “Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.”

— George Burns

81. “Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!”

— George Burns

82. “If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.”

— George Burns

83. “I smoke cigars because at my age if I don’t have something to hang on to I might fall down.”

— George Burns

84. “There’s nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.”

— George Burns

85. “In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I’ve been retired all my life.”

— George Burns

86. “It’s better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don’t find success right away.”

— George Burns

87. “Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.”

— George Burns

88. “Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn’t go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.”

— George Burns

89. “When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don’t know what’s out there, but I want to make sure it’s in my key.”

— George Burns

90. “At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish’s family.”

— George Burns

91. “I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.”

— George Burns

92. “I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.”

— George Burns

93. “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”

— George Burns

94. “If I get big laughs, I’m a comedian. If I get little laughs, I’m a humorist. If I get no laughs, I’m a singer.”

— George Burns

95. “Money is the root of all evil.′ Then we hear, ‘A fool and his money are soon parted.’ What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn’t it be, ‘A wise man and his money are soon parted’? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won’t tell me how they got it, and I won’t tell them.”

— George Burns

96. “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.”

— George Burns

97. “People are always asking me when I’m going to retire. Why should I? I’ve got it two ways – I’m still making movies, and I’m a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.”

— George Burns

98. “Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.”

— George Burns

99. “Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.”

— George Burns

100. “I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”

— George Burns