Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.”

— Groucho Marx

52. “Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.”

— Groucho Marx

53. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

— Groucho Marx

54. “The only real laughter comes from despair.”

— Groucho Marx

55. “Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.”

— Groucho Marx

56. “This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.”

— Groucho Marx

57. “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

— Groucho Marx

58. “Hello, I must be going.”

— Groucho Marx

59. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

— Groucho Marx

60. “My brother thinks he’s a chicken-We don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs.”

— Groucho Marx

61. “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”

— Groucho Marx

62. “I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honored by the French government – I’d give it all up for one erection.”

— Groucho Marx

63. “Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.”

— Groucho Marx

64. “I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.”

— Groucho Marx

65. “Growing old is something you do if you’re lucky.”

— Groucho Marx

66. “Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”

— Groucho Marx

67. “The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract – Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We’ll take it right out, eh?”

— Groucho Marx

68. “This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”

— Groucho Marx

69. “Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.”

— Groucho Marx

70. “I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

— Groucho Marx

71. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

— Groucho Marx

72. “Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

— Groucho Marx

73. “Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.”

— Groucho Marx

74. “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!”

— Groucho Marx

75. “Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.”

— Groucho Marx

76. “The admission fee was a viper’s tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.”

— Groucho Marx

77. “I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you.”

— Groucho Marx

78. “Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.”

— Groucho Marx

79. “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

— Groucho Marx

80. “Groucho: You know I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don’t mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”

— Groucho Marx

81. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

— Groucho Marx

82. “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

— Groucho Marx

83. “Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.”

— Groucho Marx

84. “I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.”

— Groucho Marx

85. “Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.”

— Groucho Marx

86. “Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life.”

— Groucho Marx

87. “Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”

— Groucho Marx

88. “If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much – just an occasional sun visor.”

— Groucho Marx

89. “Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.”

— Groucho Marx

90. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.”

— Groucho Marx

91. “All geniuses die young.”

— Groucho Marx

92. “Home is where you hang your head.”

— Groucho Marx

93. “I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove.”

— Groucho Marx

94. “With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now.”

— Groucho Marx

95. “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.”

— Groucho Marx

96. “Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily, I love you” on the back of the bill.”

— Groucho Marx

97. “I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

98. “It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.”

— Groucho Marx

99. “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

— Groucho Marx

100. “I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.”

— Groucho Marx