Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

— Groucho Marx

102. “My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”

— Groucho Marx

103. “One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!”

— Groucho Marx

104. “I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.”

— Groucho Marx

105. “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”

— Groucho Marx

106. “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!”

— Groucho Marx

107. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

— Groucho Marx

108. “I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

— Groucho Marx

109. “Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.”

— Groucho Marx

110. “Always examine the dice.”

— Groucho Marx

111. “We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”

— Groucho Marx

112. “Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

— Groucho Marx

113. “Today’s Father Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.”

— Groucho Marx

114. “If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much – just an occasional sun visor.”

— Groucho Marx

115. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.”

— Groucho Marx

116. “With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”

— Groucho Marx

117. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx

118. “Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars?”

— Groucho Marx

119. “One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”

— Groucho Marx

120. “In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”

— Groucho Marx

121. “I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.”

— Groucho Marx

122. “There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.”

— Groucho Marx

123. “Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement.”

— Groucho Marx

124. “Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.”

— Groucho Marx

125. “I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.”

— Groucho Marx

126. “It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.”

— Groucho Marx

127. “I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

— Groucho Marx

128. “I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

129. “Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted. “You’re right! And such small portions!!” the second added.”

— Groucho Marx

130. “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.”

— Groucho Marx

131. “Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!”

— Groucho Marx

132. “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

— Groucho Marx

133. “The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.”

— Groucho Marx

134. “You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.”

— Groucho Marx

135. “I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.”

— Groucho Marx

136. “I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.”

— Groucho Marx

137. “You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.”

— Groucho Marx

138. “Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.”

— Groucho Marx

139. “You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

— Groucho Marx

140. “Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”

— Groucho Marx

141. “Only if the computers really love each other.”

— Groucho Marx

142. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”

— Groucho Marx

143. “A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.”

— Groucho Marx

144. “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

— Groucho Marx

145. “I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed. Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.”

— Groucho Marx

146. “If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

— Groucho Marx

147. “Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.”

— Groucho Marx

148. “If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.”

— Groucho Marx

149. “Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.”

— Groucho Marx

150. “I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.”

— Groucho Marx