Top 280 Groucho Marx Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.”

— Groucho Marx

102. “Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman.”

— Groucho Marx

103. “I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.”

— Groucho Marx

104. “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

— Groucho Marx

105. “One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!”

— Groucho Marx

106. “My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”

— Groucho Marx

107. “I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.”

— Groucho Marx

108. “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”

— Groucho Marx

109. “Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.”

— Groucho Marx

110. “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!”

— Groucho Marx

111. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

— Groucho Marx

112. “I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

— Groucho Marx

113. “Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.”

— Groucho Marx

114. “Always examine the dice.”

— Groucho Marx

115. “We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”

— Groucho Marx

116. “Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

— Groucho Marx

117. “Today’s Father Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.”

— Groucho Marx

118. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx

119. “With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.”

— Groucho Marx

120. “Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.”

— Groucho Marx

121. “Afraid? Me? A man who’s licked his weight in wild caterpillars?”

— Groucho Marx

122. “One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”

— Groucho Marx

123. “In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”

— Groucho Marx

124. “I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.”

— Groucho Marx

125. “There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.”

— Groucho Marx

126. “Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement.”

— Groucho Marx

127. “Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.”

— Groucho Marx

128. “I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.”

— Groucho Marx

129. “It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.”

— Groucho Marx

130. “I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

— Groucho Marx

131. “Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted. “You’re right! And such small portions!!” the second added.”

— Groucho Marx

132. “I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

133. “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.”

— Groucho Marx

134. “Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!”

— Groucho Marx

135. “The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.”

— Groucho Marx

136. “You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.”

— Groucho Marx

137. “I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.”

— Groucho Marx

138. “I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.”

— Groucho Marx

139. “You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.”

— Groucho Marx

140. “Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.”

— Groucho Marx

141. “You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

— Groucho Marx

142. “The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It’s been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven’t got a camel, but I think it’s a great idea.”

— Groucho Marx

143. “Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.”

— Groucho Marx

144. “Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”

— Groucho Marx

145. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”

— Groucho Marx

146. “Only if the computers really love each other.”

— Groucho Marx

147. “A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.”

— Groucho Marx

148. “If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

— Groucho Marx

149. “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

— Groucho Marx

150. “I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed. Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.”

— Groucho Marx